I seem to be constantly stuck between two worlds. As a SI, I am stuck between the world of infertility and fertility. I have one child, but am having extreme difficulty conceiving another one. Those afflicted with primary infertility don't necessarily empathise with my SIF status. I only know PIs in real life yet I've never been able to connect with any of them deeply. The only SIs I know are through their own blogs or Dailystrength. I continue to feel lonely within my real world around SIF.
The older my daughter gets, the less I feel I belong in the at-home Mum circles. All my MOO friends work part-time. I work on Sundays only. I am the only MOO I know who goes to activites for the at-home Mum all week and it is getting harder to attend them. As Mums add to their families, I feel like I stand out like a sore thumb with "just one" child. I often get asked if I have older children. Maybe I should start inventing extra children!
I feel the winds of change hovering and I don't like it. It was my husband who initially suggested I become the breadwinner - and a close friend has agreed. Why? Am I a crap Mum who should be ripped out of the family home because I do have SIF? It is so f**king unfair!! This could be my only child people and you think I should leave this gig behind?
I'm only so wound-up because I know the idea makes sense. I cannot stand being in the world of MOTs at the moment. I guess where I'm at with it all is accepting that it isn't Gods will for me right now to be a MOT. Accepting doesn't mean I like it though!! I am still grieving the idea of a second child. Yet now I am grieving the fact that I may lose my at-home Mum status soon.
What is God playing at? I'm trying to believe and trust that the God of my understanding is a loving God and only wants the best for me. Perhaps I'm afraid He does know best. Perhaps I would be happier in the workforce far away from the world of MOTs and bumps.
2 comments:
hi lynda....well....its of course not MY decision....but I want to give my 2 cents if thats ok: i dont think you should be ripped out of your at home mom status----its too painful in the event dd is your only one (i say this b/c----i am in the same position....w/ a 3 1/2 yr old) what i am concluding in my own life is.....i need to spend less time w/ mot's who have 3 yr old and under children (too painful---i feel like i stand out like a broken old lady)....but i dont feel so bad if i'm w/ people w/ OLDER children.....they dont contantly discuss pregnancy...breastfeeding...etc. so....i think people who have 3 yr olds and older, who are done w/ family building....could be a less painful social circle for you (and me too). does that make sense? you dont have to stop being a SAHM if you dont want!
nancy
If you can, try going on a weekend (or longer) getaway holiday - even if it's to the next town. You should not make any major decisions (like going back to work full-time) at this time. You need some more time to think things through and relax.
When I quit fertility in April and was in the depths of despair, we booked a vacation just to give ourselves a break and it was a wonderful way to clear our heads, reconnect, and spend some fun family time - away from the daily stresses and the stress and sorrow of SIF.
And you shouldn't feel pressured into leaving your SAHM status if you don't wholeheartedly want to do so. If you do, you may regret it and may resent your hubby in the long run.
Just a few suggestions. Wishing you the best -
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