Appointment prosponed

I prosponed the appointment with Adoption Services this afternoon until Monday as I still am quite riddled with a cold. The guy appreciated the fact we weren't coming in breathing germs all over him of course. And Monday is only four days away.

I'm feeling pretty good about things. I even went to my daughter's former Playgroup today to pick up a dress from a MOO friend I'm borrowing for Halloween tomorrow night. I stayed there for just under an hour as my daughter was enjoying getting reacquainted with the toys there. I didn't know a lot of the Mums so I guess a few have moved on in the last few months. The Head Teacher asked how I was doing as she knew a little about my SIF experiences. I told her I had accepted it was all over for me. I didn't go into the adoption thing with her though - I guess as things progress I will tell more people but at the moment we're at the very early stages so I'm only telling close friends and family - and the readers of my blog.

Right after I'd said I'd accepted my fate pretty much, this Head Teacher told me about a MOTH-to-be who was in hospital right then giving birth to her third child. A girl and she already had her name picked out. She then mentioned a MOF-to-be who is due with her fourth child of course sometime soon. Excuse me for not jumping up and down on the spot. I think sometimes when you tell people you have accepted a situation they think you are over it and that's so not the case. I've accepted I cannot have another biological child but I do not like it. I've accepted a lot around what this all means but I have a long way to go before I don't bat an eyelid when a bump or a newborn baby appear in front of me. To me acceptance means I'm at the beginning stages of letting go. It's a much better place to be in, but a broken heart doesn't heal over night.

Busy - in a good way

It feels like I have a lot going on right now - but in a good way. And not in an emotional way either - more in a busy week kind of a way. I'm two weeks into my art course and really enjoying it. This Saturday the three of us who are collaborating together for a stall in late December are having a meeting. The other two don't know each other so it will be good to get acquainted and to start organising things. It's great to have that as a positive focus.

This Friday night my gym is having a party for members and their friends/families. It's on Halloween so you guessed it - it's a Halloween party! Three of us are going as vampires! I've never dressed up so much as I have over the last few months since socialising with some Scottish and Irish friends. I've been to a Sex And The City party, a Madonna's eighties party (for the girls)/gangster party - and now this one. I have a bit of a nasty cold so am hoping I'm well by Friday.

My husband, myself and my daughter have spent the day at home (except for a quick excursion into town) as we all are riddled with colds. If we're still sick tomorrow then I will prospone the appointment with Adoption Services.

I'm sick with a cold but emotionally I'm in a good place. I've just managed "to be" the last few days. I do one hundred percent trust that God has it all sorted on the adoption front. I don't need to stand on my head, change my diet or will another baby into my life. This path is so much more freer and feels much more natural than TTC the second time ever did when in the throes of SIF.

Revealing my dreams to others

Our appointment with Adoption Services is this Thursday but I hope my husband and I are well enough to go as our wee family has been hit with a cold. If we're too under the weather, I will prospone the appointment. I'm okay with that though. Like I've said before; I don't feel like this is an urgent process - the adoption one. I'm really going with the flow in a way I wasn't able to while TTC with SIF hanging over my head.

So far friends and family have been really supportive as I've told them about our adoption plans. I don't know why I think I might get a negative response as I haven't yet - but I do brace myself for a difference of opinion when I share this new dream of ours with people.

Today I feel great about it all. I've had a pretty quiet day, just trying to be and enjoying the Spring weather - which was more like Summer today. I finally feel like I'm moving forward in my life and it's a good feeling after a long time of feeling like I just wasn't moving anywhere.

An emotional backlash

I've had a wee emotional backlash around the whole adoption idea the last few days. A few self-doubts and Am I doing the right thing? kind of concerns. I think it has to do with starting to tell friends and family in real life (as opposed to in cyber space). I feel quite vulnerable telling people and I guess I'm aware that the reaction to wanting to adopt a child could be quite different from announcing a pregnancy. I cried a little when I told one family member as of course talking about adoption is a reminder that I'm infertile and all the history that comes with that.

I had a few other near-tear moments in the weekend. One was when I was near the baby clothes in a shop. I was only there as I was looking at the preschoolers clothing which was right next to it. Another teary moment was when I was at work on Sunday and a Dad was holding his baby boy. I felt like going out the back and having a cry then and there.

It's very different being at the end of the road with SIF - knowing for it's all over as opposed to being in the middle of it and hoping like hell a small miracle might happen. It has been painful seeing babies for the last year in particular (when my infertility "worsened"), but now it really is like a knife going through my heart.

At least now I can finally process some of the feelings I've been holding back on. When I was going through SIF I didn't often grieve as fully as I could have as I still had question marks hovering over my head. Now there are no question marks, so I am working my way towards acceptance and peace around what is.

It was good to have a few days away at my Mum's holiday home by the beach. I just chilled out really (except for work on Sunday). I thought I might go for a run out there since I was missed my gym work-outs but I didn't even go for a walk. It was good just to slow down and take it easy for a bit.

Maybe it's too soon

I do have a lot to digest right now. And I have been wondering whether I need some time to process things before delving into the adoption option too much. Afterall, you wouldn't think it was particularly healthy if someone dated immediately after the end of a long-term relationship. It would be seen to be a rebound thing. The last thing I want to do here is have a rebound baby!

Yet at the same time adoption is a slow and gentle process so I'm aware it could take at least a year just to go through the process of being on the books as such and even longer to get picked. (hopefully). All I'm saying is I'm very, very aware of where I'm at.

I've been thinking about infertility and how "outsiders" sometimes expect us to just accept the unacceptable. Imagine if someone got told "I'm sorry but you will never have a long-term relationship. Sorry, that's just the way it is. You've lucked out." You'd think WTF? Doesn't every human deserve to have a life long partner (if they choose to)? Yes. And every woman and man deserves to be a parent (if they choose to). I'm just pointing out that infertility is not normal. It may not be uncommon, but it is not the way it is meant to go as far as extending the human race and all that goes. Women were given wombs and men were given sperm for a reason!!

A good friend was diagnosed with POF (premature ovarian failure) in her mid-twenties. She was cruely robbed of motherhood at such a young age. We were able to talk about things yesterday. POF is not just about premature menopause - infertility comes with it as does the loss of your womanhood (with the loss of periods). It is devastating on many levels. It is a double whammy, really. Dealing with a body that is aging prematurely on the inside while trying to accept that you will never have children. Luckily I had my daughter before the onset of POF but for many women, it hits before they've had a chance to even plan for motherhood. POF is diagnosed in women under forty BTW. I'm going with this diagnosis even though it was only a half one. I lost my periods in my late thirties; so I'm a qualifier! From what I've read on the Net, POF is often not picked up my Dr's and gyno's as per my experience. Mainly because the client appears too young. I kind of wish I'd shared with my Dr and gyno that I thought I had POF. I'm going to now, anyway.

We're away for three nights as it's a long weekend. It'll be good to have a wee break from blogging and just to be and process all that has happened. Catch you in about three days.

Wow, it's really over

It's probably going to take me a few days/weeks/months to process that my TTC days are really over. I feel so many things - relief at being out of what was a hopeless quest, and anger at my Dr/gyno/former herbalist, acupuncturist and vibrational healer for giving me false hope and not addressing my hormonal imbalance earler. I feel sad that I will never get to experience pregnancy again, or child birth ever (my daughter was delivered via c-section while I was under a general) breastfeed, and be able to look at another baby and see several generations weaved into her tiny face.

The sadness is not so huge however as I have been in a state of grief for a very long time. I do have a lot of hope that another baby could come our way and I am trusting God with that one. I also am feeling a lot of guilt for wanting another biological child. Because at the end of the day I am a Mum. I'm a parent and I have a little girl to tuck into bed each night. I know this is the stark difference between SI's and I's - many infertiles won't get to experience what I have already. I am hugely grateful for the miracle that is my daughter and the timing of her conception. Had she been conceived a year later, for instance, it would probably have been a year too late as my ovary would no doubt have been removed at the time it was regardless of pregnancy or not.

One of my infertile friends visited me today and shared how she couldn't read my blog because I do have a daughter. Another infertile friend has said the same thing. I do get that - that many infertiles cannot identify with the SI. I still feel stuck between two worlds - the fertile one and the infertile one. But at least I'm not fighting to join the fertiles anymore. I have accepted that I sit somewhere in the middle.

Now that I've stepped outside of SIF, I am already starting to gain some perspective around my experience. I'm processing the last two years and some of the desperate places I got to in the hope of conceiving. SIF has brought out the best and the worst in me. And without a doubt I have been changed through all this. I am stronger and am going to speak up more about secondary infertility. The next time someone thrusts a bump in front of me while whinging about morning sickness or complains about how little sleep she is getting from her newborn I might just have to remind her how lucky she is. Once you've been through secondary infertility, whatever the outcome, you have a new appreciation and sense of gratitude for the child you have and how miraculous conception really is.

I feel like I ought to be congratulated somehow for making it to this point. Kinda of like the lyrics to some song we dance to at Bodyjam: "What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger" rings very true to me. SIF took me to the edge, and I had to deal with some pretty full-on emotional stuff during it all but I survived. I had to face the fact that another biological child wasn't in God's plans for me and that broke my heart.

I am living God's Will now and it feels so much lighter. My heart is full - not empty. I feel love, not pain. I may not be able to talk too long to pregnant women right now or cuddle a newborn but I know I have made huge progress. I want to thank all of you who have stuck by me on my journey. I made it to the finish line. Maybe I didn't win the race but I finished.

Finally, someone who gets it!

I saw the herbalist today. She was great. She sat there are listened and wrote notes about the last two years. She agrees with me one hundred percent that I have a hormonal imbalance and prescribed pills and herbs to take. She said to me "this is big" about all the changes my body has undergone over the last couple of years. Conception is very, very unlikely at this stage. My chances could improve ever so slightly by balancing my hormones but probably not. We agreed that focusing on my hormonal imbalance is the key thing right now. She thought I should stay on the antidepressants for another couple of months at least while all the herbs and pills kick in.

I felt so heard and understood in a way I haven't for the last two years. I wasn't given any false hope even though she specialises in fertility. I felt seeing her helped give me the closure I really need around TTC. It's really over. I was able to be real and face what is my reality. I just about shed a tear in her clinic not because of feeling sad about the end of TTC so much, but that she really got where things stand with me. I got the feeling she thought it was quite the journey and she associated my ovarian failure with the removal of my right ovary three and a half years ago. Finally someone made the oh-so-obvious link!! (to me, anyway).

So that's it. Time to focus on me and to attend to my emotional health. Though I think I have of course done that already being on "happy pills" and seeking help.

The MOTH-to-be I mentioned the other day said I could probably "only vaguely remember what it feels like to be pregnant." It was like someone slapped me across the face! Of course I remember what it was like to be pregnant. I relished it - even the nausea, the reflux, and the aches and pains. Why? Because I knew deep down I might not get another shot at motherhood.

But today instead of feeling defeated I feel inspired. Adoption just might work out for us. It certainly feels a lot more hopeful and positive than TTC ever did. As one door has closed shut, another has opened. I have started to walk through the open door after many, many months of standing in the hall-way.

Started the ball rolling

Yesterday the guy from Adoption Services Nelson called me back and we had a good chat. My husband and I have an appointment next Thursday with him - an informal meeting - while our daughter is in Kindy.

He didn't really tell me anything I didn't know - that I hadn't found out already on the internet. Yet it was really good to talk to "an expert" as such in this field. He said the whole getting ready for adoption process takes six months to a year. You have to get through all that before writing a 10-12 page profile about your family. The birth families have certain attributes they are looking for with the adoptive families and they are given a pool of profiles that match what they are after. It is from this pool that they pick the family that appeals to them the most.

There are educational sessions about adoption that are part of the process and they are in the middle of one right now. The next one is April/May next year. I feel incredibly patient about the whole process, however. I don't seem to have the urgency I did when TTC. I don't have that time-is-running-out feeling at all. At this stage if we become adoptive parents there is going to be at least a four and a half/five year plus gap between siblings but that's okay with me.

Apparently there are around three hundred applicants in New Zealand for adoption which I didn't think was very high. The guy at Adoption Services said around eighty-something children are adopted annually. The odds aren't too bad, I don't think. Apparently three adoptions have occurred in Nelson recently. I feel pretty positive about our chances but at the same time would only want the best for the adoptive children out there so understand if we don't match the (complete) attributes any birth families are looking for.

Yesterday I looked after two three and a half year olds. My MOT friend up the road's husband is away for a few weeks so I offered to give her a break so she had just one child for most of the day. The girls really enjoyed biking down to Kindy together with their back-packs on - it was very cute!

I was on Parent Help at Kindy too. A MOTH-to-be dropped off some fruit in the fruit basket when I was in the kitchen. I know her from the Music sessions I used to take my daughter to. I asked her how she was and she groaned and complained how she was pregnant with her third child, and said it was unplanned and she'd only wanted two children! She said "How am I going to cope with THREE?" To which I said "It'll be fun!" She said she was getting used to the idea. Hmmm.

It seems so ironic doesn't it that babies are born to parents who didn't plan for them while some couples/parents don't always get the very much planned for and wanted babies. That's one of God's little mysteries I guess. It's all about God's Will for me at this stage. I don't have to sweat the small stuff and try to figure out why things don't make sense. I certainly have a lot more acceptance and serenity doing it this way.

On the right track

I have felt so much better since my Will has essentially been aligned with God's Will. I wanted a certain outcome - another biological child - for what felt like a very long time. Yet it was a desire that always felt so out of reach, unobtainable and very unlikely. I always had this deep sense of desperation that I was grasping for a dream that was virtually an impossibility.

This is perhaps why it has really irked me when people have told me to just accept what is. Easier said than done when it is a very strong, natural desire. Every one of us is different in the SIF game and we all process things in our own way and time. I think what I've always found frustrating is when an "outsider" (someone who has never experienced IF) tries really badly to put themselves in my shoes. They seem to think that once it's indicated conception looks unlikely that you should accept it then and there and then move on.

Saturday night I went to a pot-luck dinner at a friend's house with seven women and the hosts husband. We are all Mums. There were three MOOs (including me), three MOTs and one MOFI (mother of five!) Conversaton was varied and lively and touched on motherhood occasionally. I only had a glass of wine but most of the women were knocking it back. So eventually the conversations became a bit more sensitive. I was put on the spot by one of the MOTs who asked about my SIF. Luckily for her I was in an okayish place with it all. I just said it looked like it was pretty much all over - I was probably in premature menopause blah-de-blah. Some said oh and then the conversation changed direction.

A MOO sitting next to me (I'd only met her that night) revealed that she'd like a second child but was back at work full-time and was wary about giving up her job, among some other reasons for TTC just now. She was thirty-six and said she wondered if her fertility might have diminished given her age. She said she was grateful for the child she had and said if another one never came along then she'd accept it as many women couldn't have any children at all. She also said that was all I could do too - move on and accept the way things have turned out.

My blood didn't boil at her comments but I did feel annoyed just around the whole misconception (once again) of what SIF is all about. Sure, most of us SI's get to acceptance eventually because we have no choice, do we. But I would never say to anyone, whatever they are going through in life that they should just "get over it." Would you say to someone grieving the death of a spouse a year on that it was time to move on? No, you wouldn't. I just think us SI's deserve more understanding and respect that we get.

I know this MOO meant well and she is a lovely woman. But I do wonder should she TTC a second child in the future how she'll feel if any fertility issues emerge. I'm not actually angry at all though. I feel so much better now I've started the ball rolling around adoption - even though all I've done is made a phone-call and left a message. Hopefully I get called back today.

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders

Handing my baby dreams over to God has resulted in a huge release of tension. Suddenly all this time and energy that used to go into TTC - thinking about it, mourning about it, getting angry about it has been freed up. I do still feel sad and am grieving my dream of another biological child. But I guess because I've admitted to myself that I am utterly powerless over the outcome and am better off letting God figure it all out; I've found some kind of acceptance around it all. It's a process and I don't expect I'll be over it overnight or anything. I am still monitoring my exposure to bumps and MOTs whenever possible.

At the same time I even have some excitement emerging that God may just figure it all out for us. But it might be a very different outcome to what I'd hoped. I'd dreamed of two biological daughters for so long but I may end up with one biological daughter and an adopted son - who knows. My fantasies of two little girls playing together are fading. I can see our daughter pushing a buggy with a baby boy in - she will be around five years old probably if we get picked as adoptive parents. School age which means I'd have the days to bond with our new addition.

I don't think it's a sure thing at all. But it's a possibility that to be honest feels much more likely than conceiving another biological child ever was. So we shall see. In the meantime I have a new sense of freedom to be grateful for. Maybe it is the happy pills doing their thing as I have had moments of feeling light and even happy over the last few days ago. Perhaps I was just barking up the wrong tree for a while and now I've found the right tree; things might perhaps turn out okay.

Finding peace again

Perhaps the happy pills have kicked in (!), as I am feeling a lot more at peace at the moment - this morning and yesterday at least. That could be partly why but I also think it has a lot to do with letting go of my dream to have another biological child. Giving away my maternity gear was very symbolic of reaching a place of acceptance that my baby dreams are ultimately up to God.

I know it works for some women - doing everything they can to bring a baby into their world - head-stands, acupuncture, herbs etc. But it never did for me. Doing all that stuff only upset me more. When my daughter was conceived I had a very relaxed outlook about it all. I just kind of thought if it happens it happens and my husband and I said if it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be and we'd look into adoption.

I feel like I'm finally at that place again. I'm too much of a worrier/obsesser to be thinking a baby into my life. I do a lot better with just handing it over to God. I feel so much freer - like a weight has been lifted off now that I have admitted to God that I cannot do this - that it is up to Him now.

I suspect my SIF stuff will not go away overnight though. Yesterday I was at a cafe having some "me time" while my daughter was at Kindy. I purposefully picked one that is not child-friendly, quite quiet where all that stuff is not in my face. But hello, a heavily pregnant woman came in and I even groaned inward to myself! I know that's terrible, but it was just her and I in there - what are the odds?! Anyway one of the cafe staff struck up a conversation with her - When are you due? Wow, in a week?! Are you ready? etc, etc. It did make me feel sad but in a different kind of a way. I can no longer pine for my own bump - now it's a case of looking at bumps and acknowledging clearly it wasn't meant to happen to me.

I do think there are two kinds of SI's - the ones who fight SIF and eventually win - and the ones who fight SIF and lose. And I think those of us in the losing bracket know deep in our hearts that it was probably never going to happen. I think that's why I have been so angry and resentful along the way as I have been fighting me. I wanted to change my own mind about what I thought was going to happen so I was often in conflict with myself.

Last night I even dreamt I got my period. It's not the first time I've had that dream. When I go to the herbalist next week I want to make it very clear that sorting out my hormonal imbalance is my priority. I will ask what she thinks about my fertility though. But I don't want to be in that space of focusing on my fertility again. It's really about getting me sorted out. I know my hormonal imbalance is connected to my fertility so you never know, my fertility may be restored but I'm not expecting it to be anymore.

I phoned CYF yesterday and got forwarded to the Nelson contact. The guy is on annual leave! Only to Monday though. I left a message so will look forward to talking to him next week. After the whole SIF ordeal, I'm kind of prepped for the waiting game. I know this whole adoption process is going to take time and there will be big gaps between each stage. But I even laughed to myself yesterday when I got the answering machine like it was God's little joke - there is much more waiting to come.

I don't want to share our adoption decision with close friends or family even until I've at least got an appointment with a social worker booked. So once again, if do know me in "real life" outside of cyber-space - please keep this information to yourself. I want to tell people personally. It's a big decision and not one I'm taking lightly.

Trusting God with the outcome

Yesterday morning I felt some sadness around my decision to give away my maternity gear. It was quite a big step and represented my willingness to hand my baby dreams over to God. The woman from Pregnancy Help came by to pick up it up and afterwards I actually felt quite relieved. I feel like I have let go of my baby dreams in the sense that I'm not going to try to make it happen anymore.

My husband and I talked more about the adoption option yesterday. He said to go for it and look into getting an application form. I've been doing my research and domestic adoption in New Zealand goes through CYF (Child, Youth & Family). The process is to typically to have an appointment with a social worker first, to fill out an application form, attend some sessions around adoption and as well as undergoing medical, and police checks. Even the two referees picked are interviewed by a social worker. It's pretty thorough and the whole process takes about a year!

You write a profile and are put in a pool of families wanting to adopt. You could get picked immediately or not at all! In 2006 there were just 86 adoptions in New Zealand - the adoption rates have fallen considerably over the years as adoption within extended families is encouraged. Open adoption is also the most common form of adoption now in NZ. This essentially means that the child who is adopted has the opportunity to get to know his/her other family. How frequent visits are are to be decided from the start between the two families.

There's a lot to think about. It will be a whole new ball-game all over again. But you've got to be in to win! We may or may not match what a family is looking for out there. Personally I think we're great parents who do have the genuine ability to love all children. If we aren't picked or don't meet the criteria for being adoptive parents then I will know it was never meant to be.

I'm filled with a lot more hope having a new focus. It means I can let go of TTC and worrying about my hormonal imbalance. I haven't shared this with anyone (except one friend) outside of my blog/ Dailystrength so if you are a friend or family member reading this - please keep it to yourself for now.

Yesterday I had a lovely day with a MOO friend and our two daughters. We took the girls on a picnic then drove to Rabbit Island (a local reserve by the beach) for a picnic. It was a lovely day and we had a good time exploring on the beach and building sand-castles. Afterwards we went to the Mall for icecream and had a little look around. We got back just before four o'clock and we all looked like we'd spent a few hours in the sun. I shared the adoption stuff with my MOO friend and was reminded that I do feel so much better when I share where I'm at with a couple of good friends.

I'm kind of a mixed bag of emotions right now. On one hand I have the adoption process to look forward to yet I am still grieving another biological child. But the grief for a biological child doesn't feel quite as intense as it's not about grieving another child altogether anymore. Who knows, we may or may not become a family of four. It is totally in God's hands.

Bye bye maternity gear

So I've been working the twelve steps around SIF. Currently I am on step three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I spend a bit of time out in our garden reading about step three and writing about it yesterday. I have made a decision several times over the last two years to hand my baby dreams over to God but I keep taking them back. Why? Because I cannot let go. I'd rather sit here cradling my broken dreams and trying to obtain some control over them in the pretence that it makes me feel better. But it doesn't. Trying to control something I clearly have no control over just makes me downright miserable.

I've done other step threes in my life and when it is around something big I do tend to hang on til it's obvious I'm just making a fool of myself hanging in there. I believe I've reached this point with SIF. Every woman and every situation within SIF is different. But when I look at mine it is truly hopeless. I think when you have procedures to look forward to then it is clear that you are still very much in the game with SIF. However I am at a standstill - there doesn't seem to be anywhere for me to go. So I think I have reached a point where it's time to hand my baby dreams over to God for once and for all.

I will continue addressing my hormonal imbalance and through that maybe things will turn around for me fertility-wise. But in the meantime I'm going to stop trying so hard and just try to be and look after me. I phoned Pregnancy Help yesterday and asked if they wanted some maternity gear. It is a voluntary organisation that accepts donations for Mums-to-be who are in financial strife. A woman is coming round later this morning to pick it all up. It's just a pair of jeans, some black capri pants, a black skirt and three tops. I've lost weight since I last became pregnant so that stuff wouldn't fit me anyway. If by some miracle I get pregnant again then I will splash out and get some brand new gear.

Part of tuning into God's will for me at this time is being open to other options for adding to our family. All along I have had adoption as a possibility in the back of my mind. Yet I have been grieving another biological child so haven't been able to consider it seriously. I'm now at the point where I'm very open to adoption and am ready to explore it further. My husband is still processing the idea so all I can do is trust that it will be sorted out in God's time. I'm not interested in donor eggs so adoption is our last option. It gives me some hope knowing it is something we could look into. If it's not meant to be then I will know for once and for all that we are meant to be a family of three.

I went to the local ASD support group yesterday but it was just myself, my daughter and a Japanese lady who came along. It was the first time for all of us. The organiser thought it was strange that no-one else was there and is looking into it. But it was good to meet a Mum whose child had being recently diagnosed at the age of twelve with Aspergers. There were some parallels behaviour-wise and socially with our girls. Yesterday the head teacher at Kindy said she'd like to bring in a teacher aide for our daughter as she does need quite a lot of one-on-one time and this takes away from the other children. It will take a few months for this to happen but it sounds good to me.

One of the Mums I have known since Playgroup was at Kindy yesterday sporting a rounded belly. I wanted to burst into tears then and there. I suppose because I am in this phase of handing my baby dreams over to God, it stings watching others getting what I want.

I got a filling at the dentist yesterday (and am getting three more next week!). I had to acknowledge on the form that I am on antidepressants. The dentist didn't recognise the name and asked what they are for and I just said "mood swings". But I wanted to add "for a broken-heart, my despair and grief at not being able to have another child, because no-one - Dr's, specialists seem to be able to work out what's going on with me, and because of the aching loneliness I feel as I go through SIF." I guess that might have been TMI (too much information) though!

I wanted to justify why I was on the happy pills and that actually I'm not a basket case (usually). I didn't enjoy being outed for taking anti-depressants. It's been three weeks on those and I don't feel any different. I do think a massive accumulation of many SIF variables is what has led me to a place of hopelessness and depression. I'm hoping by handing it all over to God that life will start to feel a lot more serene, sane and manageable.

It's just so natural

I had two three year olds under my wings yesterday morning. I really do enjoy having two children to look after - I guess it kind of soothes my longing for two children somehow. My daughter's friend from up the road asked if I was taking her to Kindy that afternoon. I discussed that with her Mum and might do that in the future - have her here in the morning, feed the girls lunch then walk them down the road together to Kindy. The girls are really good friends and it just feels so natural looking after two children at once.

Yesterday at Kindy I was carrying the same three year olds little sister. (about fourteen months). A MOT commented "That was fast!" Her wee joke about how I'd had a baby without having a bump...ha de ha. She's cracked this joke before and has no idea that I'm a SI. Hmmm. Not sure if I want to hear it a third time though.

Another Mum at Kindy is now a MOTH and had her five day old baby there. Everyone was swanning around trying to get a peek but I couldn't bring myself do it. I just said congratulations, when did you have the baby? and then fled as soon as I could. I guess that was my dream. That my daughter would have started Kindy and I would have a baby at home to care for. It is still hard to see that dream come true for others while I'm still floundering around out there.

I'm feeling okay today. It feels good to be back in our routine of Kindy and gymnastics etc now that the school term has started again. When my daughter was at Kindy yesterday I came back here and did some work on a freelance work. Then I sat outside with a cup of tea and was just still with God, taking in my surrounds and the sounds of Spring. I felt at peace and I want to make more of an effort to allow God into my day. I know when I can achieve serenity in my daily life then it overflows into a greater sense of trust overall with the God of my understanding.

This morning I've got my first coffee group with the local ASD support group. I'm curious to see what that's about. This arvo I'm off to the dentist while my daughter's at Kindy - not looking forward to that so much.

Life outside of SIF

I had a pretty good weekend. Saturday was our family day and we went to a local church fair. Our daughter had a great time playing a fishing game, getting her face painted and rumaging through old books. It was quite blustery though so we ended up going out for lunch indoors in quite a civilised restaurant. It had a decent children's menu and an enclosed area for kids to play in that was a room with glass windows - so you can watch your kids playing while eating your meal. The children's menu included a big bowl of icecream which our daughter enjoyed of course.

Saturday night I went to a party down the road for a MOT's 30th birthday. It had an eighties Madonna theme for the girls and a gangster theme for the guys. It was fun getting dressed up in what was just gear in my own wardrobe, teasing my hair a la eighties style and adorning myself with as much jewellery as I could find. It started at seven and I left around 11pm but it was good to go out for a bit and to just be silly dancing with all the other Madonna's in a circle.

I have a new group of Mum friends who live in the same area - that I've met through Playgroup and Kindy. I don't know any of them particularly well but I realised on Saturday night that it is good to have some friends who aren't tuned into my SIF stuff as then I can go out and just let go of it all for a night.

Sunday I had a pretty good day at work. It was quiet in the gallery (where I sell the pottery) so I did a lot of dusting and helped out in the cafe a bit. It's always nice to just have some space to think and to be at work. Several bumps came in. Two MOTHs-to-be and I did find myself thinking Why does she get to have three children God??!! I tried to stop this train of thinking as fast as possible. My MOT neighbour came in with her two children and it was truly a pleasure to see them all there. Her youngest was pointing at me and came to find me when I was in the kitchen so that was pretty cute.

I've found another MOO interested in going in with me on a stall at an annual market at the end of December. So that's three of us who are quite keen at the moment. I think the reason I am so motivated and keen to give something like this a go in quite a short space of time is because I've been in a standstill with SIF for so long. I guess that's a positive flip-side to a time of great angst and frustration; it brings other dreams to the fore as well as the ability to put them into action.

Perhaps the last post was OTT

Ok I admit it. Claiming some people may think I don't love my daughter may have been a bit OTT (over the top). Yet I was only trying to make a point and that was that a lot of people seem to think I don't appreciate or value what I already have when in fact they couldn't be more wrong. I feel like I'm constantly having to prove my gratitude for my daughter and justify why I want another child. Why, oh why when child-bearing is the most natural thing in the world?

I guess my cage just really got rattled this week as I felt singled out when not just one, but two friends basically conveyed the same thing in two different emails. I just have to remember their comments did ultimately come from a good place.

Yesterday I met up with two MOTs and their children at a local cafe. It was a bit of a handful for the MOTs dealing with two kids in an area that wasn't fenced off. So I helped out here and there with the kids. It is always a relief when I can just dive in there and genuinely want to help out MOTs. It makes a nice change from feeling riddled with envy and resentment.

There are some changes/opportunities coming up in the wings. In two weeks time I'm doing my acrylic and oils evening art course. I have a new creative friend that I met at the gym and we've quite seriously talked about setting up a stall at a local market in late December. (it's an annual market). That gives me a couple of months to get some paintings together. My attitude is I've got nothing to lose. I just want to give it a go - and to have some fun doing it! Yes you heard - fun!!

I applied for a work-from-home position recently and the company was interested but didn't have any vacancies. Next month I am going in for a couple of tests - a spelling grammar test and a microsoft word test as they are now recruiting. The job involves transcribing from audio tapes. I'm just looking for something extra to do since my daughter will be moving on to morning Kindy at some point next year which equates to 5 x four hour mornings a week. I have a wee freelance job on the go at the moment too (graphic design). I'm just being reminded of my skills at this point and of possibilities/opportunities to utilise them.

I'm still trying to stick to one day at a time and to concentrate on God's will for me within every single day. If I can trust God in increments, then maybe I'll be able to trust Him in the bigger picture too.

I do love my daughter

I've simmered down a bit since yesterday. But still angry that some people continue to get it so wrong with SIF. Do I expect too much from others? Just a wee bit of understanding would really help but I just don't get that for the most part.

I do need to talk about it though. I have a very dear friend who is a generation older that I can connect with around a lot of subjects. She's been through some terrible heart-ache in her life - two of her adult children (out of six) have passed away over the last fifteen years or so. I had a bit of a chat with her yesterday and felt a lot lighter. I guess I've just been feeling so misunderstood and unheard for a while. Guess I just need to connect with the people I do get some support from a little more often.

I went to my antenatal class get-together yesterday. There were four of us in the end - two MOTs and two MOOs. One of the MOTs phoned me before we met up to see if I wanted to go for a walk beforehand. But I was in the midst of a SIF cry so declined. Turns out they all met beforehand and walked from her house to the cafe we were meeting at. Immediately I felt on the outside and it's just what being a SI is all about - feeling emotionally locked away and disconnected from most people we know.

In our antenatal class our babies arrived in succession there was some emotional connection in a new-Mum-doing-it-at-the-same-time-kind-of-a-way. But we've been meeting less over the years and our catch-ups are just that - catch-ups. I'm friends with the MOO and see her pretty much every week. She's in the loop re: my SIF. The MOTs heard a bit about my SIF in the beginning but didn't ask yesterday - didn't go near it and I wasn't about to bring it up. On one hand I was kind of relieved that I didn't have to expose myself. Yet it makes me feel so alone and isolated when I have something as big as SIF going on and no-one wants to poach the subject. Especially within a group of women I've known since becoming a mother.

I got home after the antenatal catch-up and phoned the health shop my former herbalist works at and have an appointment for next Wednesday! I also phoned the "healer lady" and left a message saying I was discontinuing the sessions. I want to keep things simple and financially we can only afford to pay for one treatment at a time. I'm really hoping that I'm on the right track now. The last time I saw the herbalist, around four years ago, I had almost a two hour consultation as she delved right into my health history throughout my whole life and pieced past health complaints with ones in the present. Apparently she'll be doing similar this time at the initial consult. When I switch practitioners I always feel a little renewed and empowered that I have hopefully found someone who is able to tune into me.

I am feeling really disappointed and judged by the friends recently who've basically said that I am not grateful for what I have. They may as well have just come out with it - that they don't think I love my daughter. I'm furious at that underlying accusation!! I do love my daughter. So very, very much. I am still blown away that I am a Mum. I still see it as a miracle that she's here. I have lots of moments where I just look at her and think Is she really mine? I feel so blessed to be able to be a SAHM and to be able to spend so much time with her. If I didn't love her so much or value being a SAHM, do you think I'd want another child?

I know of Mums who stopped at one child (when they could have had another) for various reasons. Some found motherhood more stressful and tiring than they'd imagined. For some it was a financial decision. But they were very clear that they didn't want another child even though they loved their child very much.

Wanting to become a mother be it for the first, second, or third time isn't something any woman takes lightly. Of course she's thought about it and isn't acting on a whim. It's mostly a very powerful urge that any woman who has had the maternal tug can identify with. It's the most natural thing in the world to desire children. I just get pissed that my desire is sometimes treated as a ridiculous want. Why? Because the writing is on the wall that it's not going to happen? Well it's not over til God and I decide it's over. I'm listening to me and I'm listening to God. I cannot afford to take on other peoples judgements and negativity at this time. It goes back to that saying if you haven't got anything nice to say, then don't say it!

Hurt and so very angry

Where do I start? Seems this week has been quite the testing week. I just feel so hurt and angry in reaction to a few scenarios.

Two friends have emailed me recently after reading my blog. The thing is we have a family blog as well and there is a link to this blog on it. What often happens is I send out a link when our family blog is updated and sometimes friends and family read my blog then. So they are not regular readers - they will just read one or two posts, just getting a snippet of SIF. I know it's a risk having a blog. I know I get judged in good and bad ways. But when you are judged by friends it is particularly harsh.

Two friends this week have basically told me to just be grateful for what I have. This really, really stinks because I f**ken am. The whole point of this blog is to give me a place to vent and to share my SIF journey. We have a family blog for the lighter side of life. I am not just the person portrayed in this blog. Yes, being a SI affects me daily and does overshadow most of my life. But it is through this blog that I am attempting to live the best life I can given my circumstances.

I won't be emailing back these friends for a little bit. I need some time to get what was intended to be their well-meaning comments into perspective. If they were well-meaning though how come I ended up in tears after reading each of their emails?

The lack of empathy has to be the hardest part of living with SIF. The general consensus out there really is "You've got one f**ken child so just be grateful for what you have, and stop feeling sorry for yourself!" Grrrr!

I am very hurt and angry with my Dr too. She really hasn't gotten the fact I want to sort out my hormonal imbalance and hasn't tried very hard to move beyond the no-mans land she has me in. So I have been praying to my Higher Power to lead me to the next person who can help me sort things out. Seems my prayers have been answered as yesterday a newish friend popped round. She is just lovely, very open-minded and a bit younger. Anyway she had success with a herbalist in town who uses medicine as well as herbs who restores her own hormonal imbalance. I went to see this herbalist myself years ago before my daughter was conceived in relation to heavy periods that had me blacking out. (medically they were unable to resolve this for me ). She went overseas for a while so when I next needed a herbalist when TTC this time round I used someone else who didn't unfortunately help me.

However, I am inspired to use the former herbalist again and have made contact with her via email. I have also been researching hormonal imbalances on the Net and the writing is so on the wall that my low levels of progesterone are the reasons why I have all these menopausal symptoms. Although I have the progesterone cream I want to be under the guidance of someone who can track things with me instead of applying it on my own. My Dr only prescribed it to me because I said I'd heard of it.

Okay, I feel a wee bit better after writing this all out. I just have overall felt so misunderstood this week. It is just the worst feeling. I am catching up with some of the Mums from my antenatal class this morning. I organised it yet am anxious about seeing three MOTs all at once. There'll be one other MOO who is TTC. One of the Mums phoned me this week and I shared how it's hard work entertaining preschoolers when Kindy isn't on in the school holidays. She went on to share how it wasn't so bad in her household as she has two children quite close in age who play pretty well together. I'm actually finding it harder to deal with the MOTs whose second children are in the toddler stage/interactive stage with their older siblings.

For so long my daughter wasn't interested in babies but yesterday on a playdate with a MOT she said "Oh she's cute" about the baby I was holding. She's quite fascinated by babies now and finds them quite amusing. Anyway, better get ready for my antenatal get-together. I pray for serenity today. May have to say The Serenity Prayer a few times in the car on the way there!

By the way if any of my friends are reading this and are wondering how to support me - just encourage me and let me be where I'm at. I am not going to be struggling with SIF forever. But while I am, I need as many people as possible to be on my side. That means being open-minded and as accepting as possible about my angst. If someone had died you wouldn't tell them to snap out of it - you would let them grieve as long as they needed to. Well the same applies here. SIF is just one of those processes that takes time. No one likes to see a friend in pain. But sometimes that's exactly where they are meant to be.

Living with continuous heart-break

SIF is a cruel paradox. On one hand I have this beautiful and lively preschooler to mother. She really is the apple of my eye. Yet at the same time I am continously grieving another child that looks less likely to be coming my way as time marches on. (not that time feels like it marches much when you are a SI).

This morning I woke up feeling how I often feel - low, on the brink of tears and full of so many emotions that I'm not sure which one to tune into. Well I tuned in today and the underlying feeling is grief. My heart is being ripped apart with SIF. Some days or even weeks the feeling isn't so intense but it is always there. So perhaps this depression and the mood swings I have are very much part of SIF.

I went to the Dr yesterday and she reckoned there was some improvement with my mood since starting the antidepressants two weeks ago. The thing is two weeks ago I shared some of my feelings around SIF/my frustration with my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure. I was feeling low when I went in. Yet when I went in yesterday I was perhaps in a better place but if my Dr had really delved, she would have found that my heart is bleeding just like it was two weeks ago.

My Dr thinks I should stay on the anti-depressants for a few months. I'm not sure I agree. I will stay on them for another two weeks at least. In the meantime I'm going to shop around for someone who may be clued up about hormonal imbalances. It seems utterly ridiculous that someone can't figure out what the hell is going on with me!! My Dr gave me an article about menopause but it's obvious she doesn't know what to do with me and also has no real empathy around the emotional/psychological changes that come with menopause. Arghhhh!

My Dr did organise some free counselling for me though but it could happen anywhere between three weeks and six months from now. Hmmm. I know I could organise counselling myself but then I'd have to pay for it. We can only really cover one procedure at a time and at the moment it's vibrational healing that we are paying for.

My despair is about so many things: not being able to have another baby yet not being given any kind of conclusion, the lack of empathy from Drs and even alternate health workers of the emotional pain caused by SIF and therefore the need to get things resolved or at least moving - somewhere, and the continued feeling of emotional estrangement from friends and family. Bottom line is I still feel so very alone within SIF. I get tidbits of compassion here and there but they are fleeting. I've never connected with anyone in real life around SIF in an ongoing kind of a way.

It might sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm just telling it like it is. I am logging into the secondary infertility community in Dailystrength daily again and that helps a lot. Yet even there I feel like I'm being left behind as some of my peers carry on with treatments or even get a BFP.

But I shall carry on doing all that I can and that's just taking things one day at a time. My grief overwhelms me but I feel I cannot completely grieve until I'm told or I feel that it's really over.

Finding my power again

I have been continuing to recite The Serenity Prayer several times a day. It seems to be a good way to keep my mind focused on the present and to work out what I can and cannot change within SIF.

I still keep handing my power over to someone else midst SIF - namely health professionals. But I've made some decisions of late. I'm going in to see my Dr today and want to make it clear I want to concentrate on sorting out my hormonal imbalance. I've been on the "happy pills" for two weeks now which were prescribed to help with my mood swings. They aren't meant to kick in til about now or even til three weeks down the track, yet I have been feeling better. I think this is more about my attitude than the pills. I really don't want to be on them for long so will probably just stay on them for another two weeks. I have the progesterone cream on stand-by and I am curious as to whether that could help my mood swings or not. I don't want to use the cream while on the "happy pills".

I've had four sessions with the " healer lady" and she said at the start most people come for four to six sessions. I've decided I'll stop at six sessions, if not at next weeks fifth session. Every time I go there and lie on the massage table I get a craving for an actual massage. So I'd rather spend the money on a massage I know is going to help me with relieving tension than these visits with a vibrational healer that feel a little flakey.

I have been working on Living in the Now all over again and tuning into God on a daily basis. When I focus on my relationship with God daily, I can see and feel His love a lot more. When I think outside of today I lose my connection with God in the process. When I'm forecasting my future and it doesn't seem like my will is going to be aligned with God's will; I am unable to feel God's love. It really is that simple.

Friends have been opening up to me here and there throughout my SIF journey. Several have shared how they have either made peace or are in the process of making peace with either having no children or one child, for reasons outside of infertility. However each time they share I feel they are coaxing me into seeing being a MOO as a finality and they cannot understand why I am hanging in there. Only those who've been through IF/SIF truly get how the desire for another child overrides what might seem like a hopeless situation from the outside. I believe my love for another child is very real. Otherwise I would have given up on this dream months ago.

SIF guilt

We had an awesome overnight trip away in the weekend. It was definitely something we needed to do as a family - just to go away and have a wee adventure. We stayed on an actual farm aptly called Old MacDonalds farm that had sheep, llamas, chooks and peacocks on it. Our cabin was pretty basic with no loo or shower (they were by the main office) and the kitchen was located outside the cabin. It was fun cooking outside with the chooks and peacocks hoverting around.

The highlight of the weekend was a three hour cart-ride/horse ride that happened spontaneously as we saw the cart walking through the farm. Several families joined the cart along the way and we eventually went to a paddock where two horses were saddled up so the six children could all have a horse ride each. I helped lead one of the horses which I enjoyed. Our daughter loved the horse-ride - she looked pretty confident up there and relished her ten minute ride.

There were two lots of siblings out of the six children on the horse excursion. At one point there was an photo opportunity for our little family and the guy in charge asked Is this your whole family? as he looked around as if expecting another child to appear as he was about to take the photo. Ouch.

The whole point of our overnight adventure was to celebrate our family of three. But I did find myself thinking silly little thoughts along the way. Like how we had five beds in our cabin (one double, one single and a bunk bed) and we could have easily squeezed in another child or two. Although our daughter had a great time with us she definitely perks up when there are other children around. I feel sad that the reality is our daughter may get bored at times on future family trips. We can only stimulate her so much and nothing takes the place of other children. Sure if we pick family-orientated spots to holiday in she'll have the opportunity to interact with other kids. But there will still be periods of time in which she's stuck with her parents. I guess we'll just have to make our trips as fun and relaxed as possible.

On the other side of the coin, a friend recently disclosed to me her own pain around not having any kids. This isn't to do with infertitity - this is to do with circumstances - being single in her early forties. I really sympathise with her - I do. And actually, I have a few friends in that situation. Those who would have liked kids find it very hard to understand what comes across as a selfish longing of mine - wanting more of what I already have.

I know it's a case of not being to understand what simply is a craving for another child. Oh I wish I didn't have it. I really do. I feel riddled with guilt a lot of the time because I'm not satisfied with one child. Only fellow SIs really understand the paradox of being so in love with your current child while pining for another. I even get the feeling from MOTs that I should just darn well accept the way things are and be grateful and happy for what I have. I just don't understand how they cannot get it as they watch on proudly as their two children play together.

If anything, amongst all the misunderstandings of SIF from the outside, I wish people would just try to understand that the pain us SIs feel is so very real. None of us are ungrateful for what we already have. We just have a very deep desire for another child that is mostly out of our reach. Desires are real - they just are what they are. It's a pretty natural desire too just like wanting to get married, to buy a house, or to go on an overseas trip. Desires are what keep us moving in life. Without them we would become pretty stale. The irony is the average SI feels pretty stale while sitting in standstill mode a lot of the time. But it's not forever. This desire for another child will lead to better things in some form or another. I believe that.

Back to Living in the Now

I have felt a shift over the last couple of days. I feel like I have (once again) handed my baby dreams over to God. All I can do is to keep on keeping on with the footwork around SIF while keeping the focus on my daily life. Easier said than done, most of the time.

I actually had a good day yesterday. I say actually as I have been haunted with this underlying melancholy for the last few weeks if not months which has pretty much affected how much happiness I am able to feel.

I met up with two MOTs at an indoor playground which all kids just love. My daughter has been talking about it all week so was pretty rapt to go. (We went last week too). We were there for three hours and she was on the go the whole time. I helped my MOT friends out with their second children every now and then who are both about a year old. Their eldest children are at Kindy with my daughter. I helped them with their kids in a natural, caring kind of a way. There was no resentment - just a twinge of sadness watching the two-sibling combos together.

I saw a MOTH-to-be at the same indoor playground that I know vaguely through the Music classes I used to take my daughter in. That is what does my head in more than MOTs these days. The Mums who just seem to be spitting them out! It just seems so unfair that some women go on to have three or four kids.

Apart from some resentment from sighting the above MOTH-to-be; I felt relatively free (from the despair of SIF) yesterday. It seems if I can just focus on Living in the Now as much as possible I will be rewarded with a greater sense of peace. So that is my aim; to try to stay in the present as much as possible.

We're heading off on our wee overnight trip later this morning so I need to go and do some packing now. I'm very much looking forward to a family adventure!

The Serenity Prayer

I have been reciting The Serenity Prayer to myself a few times over the last couple of days. Somehow it does work. I actually had some serenity in my day yesterday.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I had a lovely three hours out in the sunshine yesterday with my daughter. We walked down to the local beach/playground. She's at that inbetween stage with the buggy - wants to walk some of the way and then gets tired so I still have to take the buggy just in case. It took us about twenty minutes to walk what would be ten minutes if she was in the buggy then she lost enthusiasm and I put her in the buggy. There was no rush as we had no plans yesterday so had lots of time to smell the roses as such. It was really busy at the playground since it's school holidays here in New Zealand and my daughter had a ball playing with all the older kids. They took her under their wing as she spinned and rocked her way around the playground.

I've organised a catch-up with my antenatal class next week. Only half can come as all of them are working part-time during the week and at different times. I got an RSVP email back yesterday from one telling me her second child is turning two soon and how she couldn't believe it. Of course she has no idea the extent of my SIF as I only see her every now and then. But that really stung. There will be five of us meeting up and three are MOTs and the other one is currently TTC. When I organised this get-together I was in a better place with it all. Now I'm back to wanting to avoid bumps and not just babies, but second additions as much as possible.

It breaks my heart that that MOT from my antenatal class has raised a two year old boy in the same two years that I've been dealing with so much crap with SIF. It feels so unjust and I am pissed about that today!

I texted a really good friend yesterday to see how she was doing and found out her fourth IVF failed. She found out last week and didn't contact me. I don't expect her to but it seems the pain of IF is too much to share with even those we are close to at times. My heart is breaking for this friend though as although I often feel like I haven't moved anywhere; I have been raising my daughter - someone who calls me Mummy and gives me kisses and cuddles. I do get that I have this very precious child in my life. My friend may not ever get that.

I haven't heard much from a friend who has become a recent MOT. It does hurt to know she's doing all those newborn things even though I know it's not an easy time. I feel once again between two worlds - the fertile one and the infertile one and none of my friends can identity with me. It is so incredibly lonely at times and can be very isolating. Even after two years I still don't enjoy the way I feel partly estranged from most people I know.

But I'm going with One Day At A Time with it all. I've been trying to tune into God a little more. If I give Him a chance; I can find peace in my heart. God is very clearly telling me to focus on today. I'm not meant to know the outcome just yet. It's time to stop winding myself up with second-guessing God's Will.

The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova

I finished reading Julia Indichova's second book last night: The Fertile Female. How the Power of Longing for a Child Can Save Your Life and Change the World. It was a good read but I'm kind of glad to be at the end of it all.

The next book I'm going to read is going to be fiction and totally unrelated to baby-making. I feel like I need a bit of time to digest Julia's book and what I may or may not apply from it. I certainly agree with her overall philosophy about tuning into me and where I need to go with things. I'm not sure I want to radically change my diet though. I did my own diet overhaul anyway almost two years ago in which I eliminated caffeine and sugar. I have the odd sugary treat - mainly in the form of home-baked cooking but no longer eat chocolate biscuits etc at night.

I am up for the internal work that I clearly need to do (and have started doing). And I do agree with Julia that Yoga is highly beneficial. I certainly feel stronger and more energised when I do the poses. I might look into doing one or two Yoga poses at home on a daily basis as well that match where I'm at.

I'm back to taking it all ODAT (one day at a time). It's not the time to let go of my baby wishes. There is no need to force myself to make a decision on whether I should continue what feels mainly like a hopeless quest or not. At some point things will become clearer and perhaps I'll be able to make a decision then.

For now I'm just going to do whatever I need to do to keep me sane and happy. If that means keeping my life quite small and focused on my basic needs then be it. I'm not going to panic anymore (or will try not to!) that my life isn't progressing much. I have been moving within SIF even if it feels so painfully slow most weeks. Perhaps it's time I really embraced this opportunity for emotional and spiritual growth.

4th appointment with "healer lady"

I had my fourth session with the vibrational healer yesterday morning. I basically told her exactly how I feel - very confused around what to believe around my fertility. She said not to give up just yet and that all sorts of amazing things had happened in her healing sessions to all sorts of people. She wasn't impressed that I had resorted to anti-depressants and discouraged me from seeking further help outside of her sessions - even counselling. She thought it would just add to my confusion adding more professionals to the mix. I get what she's saying yet think the counselling is important at this time.

She picked up (she's partly clarivoyant) that I was anxious and "on edge" most of the time. That is exactly how I feel. I just feel like my shoulders are up to my neck. It feels like it's been a while since I was truly relaxed.

I tried to phone my gyno this morning but as per usual picked a time when his surgery was closed. I will try again in the morning.

I realise I have been forcing solutions to get some answers around my fertility. I just want to know either way - it is killing me! Yet I have decided that God is the one in charge here. He will reveal what I need to know and when. In the meantime I don't have much choice but to hang in there.

I've felt quite triggered being around the second additions to friends families the last week or so. My daughter wasn't interested in babies for a long time but now she's quite fascinated by the thirteen month old that lives up the road. She even gave her a kiss and a hug on Monday. And today we bumped into her and her Mum and sister (who is my daughter's age) at a magic show at the local mall and my daughter was genuinely pleased to see the todder. Those are always such bittersweet moments for me.

When I was lying on the table with the "healer lady" yesterday I saw the colour blue quite strongly and within that saw a small hand reaching out towards me. My feeling is it's still not time to give up. In many ways I want to throw the towel in yet when I get really close to doing that a part of me just isn't ready. Seems I want to hang in there as long as possible despite the somewhat glum forecast around my fertility. The Dr's haven't said it's all over, the "healer lady" believes another baby could be possible so I shall just hold on to that small amount of hope that sits ever so cautiously around my situation.

In the meantime it's time to build on my relationship with my Higher Power. I still don't trust things are going to work out for the best - whatever the outcome. I have been working the steps around SIF for the last month or so and am essentially on Step 3 now: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. That's where I'm at - back to handing the SIF game over to God. When I try to control where it's all heading I just wind up feeling confused and defeated.