Trusting God with the outcome

Yesterday morning I felt some sadness around my decision to give away my maternity gear. It was quite a big step and represented my willingness to hand my baby dreams over to God. The woman from Pregnancy Help came by to pick up it up and afterwards I actually felt quite relieved. I feel like I have let go of my baby dreams in the sense that I'm not going to try to make it happen anymore.

My husband and I talked more about the adoption option yesterday. He said to go for it and look into getting an application form. I've been doing my research and domestic adoption in New Zealand goes through CYF (Child, Youth & Family). The process is to typically to have an appointment with a social worker first, to fill out an application form, attend some sessions around adoption and as well as undergoing medical, and police checks. Even the two referees picked are interviewed by a social worker. It's pretty thorough and the whole process takes about a year!

You write a profile and are put in a pool of families wanting to adopt. You could get picked immediately or not at all! In 2006 there were just 86 adoptions in New Zealand - the adoption rates have fallen considerably over the years as adoption within extended families is encouraged. Open adoption is also the most common form of adoption now in NZ. This essentially means that the child who is adopted has the opportunity to get to know his/her other family. How frequent visits are are to be decided from the start between the two families.

There's a lot to think about. It will be a whole new ball-game all over again. But you've got to be in to win! We may or may not match what a family is looking for out there. Personally I think we're great parents who do have the genuine ability to love all children. If we aren't picked or don't meet the criteria for being adoptive parents then I will know it was never meant to be.

I'm filled with a lot more hope having a new focus. It means I can let go of TTC and worrying about my hormonal imbalance. I haven't shared this with anyone (except one friend) outside of my blog/ Dailystrength so if you are a friend or family member reading this - please keep it to yourself for now.

Yesterday I had a lovely day with a MOO friend and our two daughters. We took the girls on a picnic then drove to Rabbit Island (a local reserve by the beach) for a picnic. It was a lovely day and we had a good time exploring on the beach and building sand-castles. Afterwards we went to the Mall for icecream and had a little look around. We got back just before four o'clock and we all looked like we'd spent a few hours in the sun. I shared the adoption stuff with my MOO friend and was reminded that I do feel so much better when I share where I'm at with a couple of good friends.

I'm kind of a mixed bag of emotions right now. On one hand I have the adoption process to look forward to yet I am still grieving another biological child. But the grief for a biological child doesn't feel quite as intense as it's not about grieving another child altogether anymore. Who knows, we may or may not become a family of four. It is totally in God's hands.