Perhaps the happy pills have kicked in (!), as I am feeling a lot more at peace at the moment - this morning and yesterday at least. That could be partly why but I also think it has a lot to do with letting go of my dream to have another biological child. Giving away my maternity gear was very symbolic of reaching a place of acceptance that my baby dreams are ultimately up to God.
I know it works for some women - doing everything they can to bring a baby into their world - head-stands, acupuncture, herbs etc. But it never did for me. Doing all that stuff only upset me more. When my daughter was conceived I had a very relaxed outlook about it all. I just kind of thought if it happens it happens and my husband and I said if it didn't happen, it wasn't meant to be and we'd look into adoption.
I feel like I'm finally at that place again. I'm too much of a worrier/obsesser to be thinking a baby into my life. I do a lot better with just handing it over to God. I feel so much freer - like a weight has been lifted off now that I have admitted to God that I cannot do this - that it is up to Him now.
I suspect my SIF stuff will not go away overnight though. Yesterday I was at a cafe having some "me time" while my daughter was at Kindy. I purposefully picked one that is not child-friendly, quite quiet where all that stuff is not in my face. But hello, a heavily pregnant woman came in and I even groaned inward to myself! I know that's terrible, but it was just her and I in there - what are the odds?! Anyway one of the cafe staff struck up a conversation with her - When are you due? Wow, in a week?! Are you ready? etc, etc. It did make me feel sad but in a different kind of a way. I can no longer pine for my own bump - now it's a case of looking at bumps and acknowledging clearly it wasn't meant to happen to me.
I do think there are two kinds of SI's - the ones who fight SIF and eventually win - and the ones who fight SIF and lose. And I think those of us in the losing bracket know deep in our hearts that it was probably never going to happen. I think that's why I have been so angry and resentful along the way as I have been fighting me. I wanted to change my own mind about what I thought was going to happen so I was often in conflict with myself.
Last night I even dreamt I got my period. It's not the first time I've had that dream. When I go to the herbalist next week I want to make it very clear that sorting out my hormonal imbalance is my priority. I will ask what she thinks about my fertility though. But I don't want to be in that space of focusing on my fertility again. It's really about getting me sorted out. I know my hormonal imbalance is connected to my fertility so you never know, my fertility may be restored but I'm not expecting it to be anymore.
I phoned CYF yesterday and got forwarded to the Nelson contact. The guy is on annual leave! Only to Monday though. I left a message so will look forward to talking to him next week. After the whole SIF ordeal, I'm kind of prepped for the waiting game. I know this whole adoption process is going to take time and there will be big gaps between each stage. But I even laughed to myself yesterday when I got the answering machine like it was God's little joke - there is much more waiting to come.
I don't want to share our adoption decision with close friends or family even until I've at least got an appointment with a social worker booked. So once again, if do know me in "real life" outside of cyber-space - please keep this information to yourself. I want to tell people personally. It's a big decision and not one I'm taking lightly.
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