I had my fourth session with the vibrational healer yesterday morning. I basically told her exactly how I feel - very confused around what to believe around my fertility. She said not to give up just yet and that all sorts of amazing things had happened in her healing sessions to all sorts of people. She wasn't impressed that I had resorted to anti-depressants and discouraged me from seeking further help outside of her sessions - even counselling. She thought it would just add to my confusion adding more professionals to the mix. I get what she's saying yet think the counselling is important at this time.
She picked up (she's partly clarivoyant) that I was anxious and "on edge" most of the time. That is exactly how I feel. I just feel like my shoulders are up to my neck. It feels like it's been a while since I was truly relaxed.
I tried to phone my gyno this morning but as per usual picked a time when his surgery was closed. I will try again in the morning.
I realise I have been forcing solutions to get some answers around my fertility. I just want to know either way - it is killing me! Yet I have decided that God is the one in charge here. He will reveal what I need to know and when. In the meantime I don't have much choice but to hang in there.
I've felt quite triggered being around the second additions to friends families the last week or so. My daughter wasn't interested in babies for a long time but now she's quite fascinated by the thirteen month old that lives up the road. She even gave her a kiss and a hug on Monday. And today we bumped into her and her Mum and sister (who is my daughter's age) at a magic show at the local mall and my daughter was genuinely pleased to see the todder. Those are always such bittersweet moments for me.
When I was lying on the table with the "healer lady" yesterday I saw the colour blue quite strongly and within that saw a small hand reaching out towards me. My feeling is it's still not time to give up. In many ways I want to throw the towel in yet when I get really close to doing that a part of me just isn't ready. Seems I want to hang in there as long as possible despite the somewhat glum forecast around my fertility. The Dr's haven't said it's all over, the "healer lady" believes another baby could be possible so I shall just hold on to that small amount of hope that sits ever so cautiously around my situation.
In the meantime it's time to build on my relationship with my Higher Power. I still don't trust things are going to work out for the best - whatever the outcome. I have been working the steps around SIF for the last month or so and am essentially on Step 3 now: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. That's where I'm at - back to handing the SIF game over to God. When I try to control where it's all heading I just wind up feeling confused and defeated.
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