Finally, someone who gets it!

I saw the herbalist today. She was great. She sat there are listened and wrote notes about the last two years. She agrees with me one hundred percent that I have a hormonal imbalance and prescribed pills and herbs to take. She said to me "this is big" about all the changes my body has undergone over the last couple of years. Conception is very, very unlikely at this stage. My chances could improve ever so slightly by balancing my hormones but probably not. We agreed that focusing on my hormonal imbalance is the key thing right now. She thought I should stay on the antidepressants for another couple of months at least while all the herbs and pills kick in.

I felt so heard and understood in a way I haven't for the last two years. I wasn't given any false hope even though she specialises in fertility. I felt seeing her helped give me the closure I really need around TTC. It's really over. I was able to be real and face what is my reality. I just about shed a tear in her clinic not because of feeling sad about the end of TTC so much, but that she really got where things stand with me. I got the feeling she thought it was quite the journey and she associated my ovarian failure with the removal of my right ovary three and a half years ago. Finally someone made the oh-so-obvious link!! (to me, anyway).

So that's it. Time to focus on me and to attend to my emotional health. Though I think I have of course done that already being on "happy pills" and seeking help.

The MOTH-to-be I mentioned the other day said I could probably "only vaguely remember what it feels like to be pregnant." It was like someone slapped me across the face! Of course I remember what it was like to be pregnant. I relished it - even the nausea, the reflux, and the aches and pains. Why? Because I knew deep down I might not get another shot at motherhood.

But today instead of feeling defeated I feel inspired. Adoption just might work out for us. It certainly feels a lot more hopeful and positive than TTC ever did. As one door has closed shut, another has opened. I have started to walk through the open door after many, many months of standing in the hall-way.