Hurt and so very angry

Where do I start? Seems this week has been quite the testing week. I just feel so hurt and angry in reaction to a few scenarios.

Two friends have emailed me recently after reading my blog. The thing is we have a family blog as well and there is a link to this blog on it. What often happens is I send out a link when our family blog is updated and sometimes friends and family read my blog then. So they are not regular readers - they will just read one or two posts, just getting a snippet of SIF. I know it's a risk having a blog. I know I get judged in good and bad ways. But when you are judged by friends it is particularly harsh.

Two friends this week have basically told me to just be grateful for what I have. This really, really stinks because I f**ken am. The whole point of this blog is to give me a place to vent and to share my SIF journey. We have a family blog for the lighter side of life. I am not just the person portrayed in this blog. Yes, being a SI affects me daily and does overshadow most of my life. But it is through this blog that I am attempting to live the best life I can given my circumstances.

I won't be emailing back these friends for a little bit. I need some time to get what was intended to be their well-meaning comments into perspective. If they were well-meaning though how come I ended up in tears after reading each of their emails?

The lack of empathy has to be the hardest part of living with SIF. The general consensus out there really is "You've got one f**ken child so just be grateful for what you have, and stop feeling sorry for yourself!" Grrrr!

I am very hurt and angry with my Dr too. She really hasn't gotten the fact I want to sort out my hormonal imbalance and hasn't tried very hard to move beyond the no-mans land she has me in. So I have been praying to my Higher Power to lead me to the next person who can help me sort things out. Seems my prayers have been answered as yesterday a newish friend popped round. She is just lovely, very open-minded and a bit younger. Anyway she had success with a herbalist in town who uses medicine as well as herbs who restores her own hormonal imbalance. I went to see this herbalist myself years ago before my daughter was conceived in relation to heavy periods that had me blacking out. (medically they were unable to resolve this for me ). She went overseas for a while so when I next needed a herbalist when TTC this time round I used someone else who didn't unfortunately help me.

However, I am inspired to use the former herbalist again and have made contact with her via email. I have also been researching hormonal imbalances on the Net and the writing is so on the wall that my low levels of progesterone are the reasons why I have all these menopausal symptoms. Although I have the progesterone cream I want to be under the guidance of someone who can track things with me instead of applying it on my own. My Dr only prescribed it to me because I said I'd heard of it.

Okay, I feel a wee bit better after writing this all out. I just have overall felt so misunderstood this week. It is just the worst feeling. I am catching up with some of the Mums from my antenatal class this morning. I organised it yet am anxious about seeing three MOTs all at once. There'll be one other MOO who is TTC. One of the Mums phoned me this week and I shared how it's hard work entertaining preschoolers when Kindy isn't on in the school holidays. She went on to share how it wasn't so bad in her household as she has two children quite close in age who play pretty well together. I'm actually finding it harder to deal with the MOTs whose second children are in the toddler stage/interactive stage with their older siblings.

For so long my daughter wasn't interested in babies but yesterday on a playdate with a MOT she said "Oh she's cute" about the baby I was holding. She's quite fascinated by babies now and finds them quite amusing. Anyway, better get ready for my antenatal get-together. I pray for serenity today. May have to say The Serenity Prayer a few times in the car on the way there!

By the way if any of my friends are reading this and are wondering how to support me - just encourage me and let me be where I'm at. I am not going to be struggling with SIF forever. But while I am, I need as many people as possible to be on my side. That means being open-minded and as accepting as possible about my angst. If someone had died you wouldn't tell them to snap out of it - you would let them grieve as long as they needed to. Well the same applies here. SIF is just one of those processes that takes time. No one likes to see a friend in pain. But sometimes that's exactly where they are meant to be.