I do love my daughter

I've simmered down a bit since yesterday. But still angry that some people continue to get it so wrong with SIF. Do I expect too much from others? Just a wee bit of understanding would really help but I just don't get that for the most part.

I do need to talk about it though. I have a very dear friend who is a generation older that I can connect with around a lot of subjects. She's been through some terrible heart-ache in her life - two of her adult children (out of six) have passed away over the last fifteen years or so. I had a bit of a chat with her yesterday and felt a lot lighter. I guess I've just been feeling so misunderstood and unheard for a while. Guess I just need to connect with the people I do get some support from a little more often.

I went to my antenatal class get-together yesterday. There were four of us in the end - two MOTs and two MOOs. One of the MOTs phoned me before we met up to see if I wanted to go for a walk beforehand. But I was in the midst of a SIF cry so declined. Turns out they all met beforehand and walked from her house to the cafe we were meeting at. Immediately I felt on the outside and it's just what being a SI is all about - feeling emotionally locked away and disconnected from most people we know.

In our antenatal class our babies arrived in succession there was some emotional connection in a new-Mum-doing-it-at-the-same-time-kind-of-a-way. But we've been meeting less over the years and our catch-ups are just that - catch-ups. I'm friends with the MOO and see her pretty much every week. She's in the loop re: my SIF. The MOTs heard a bit about my SIF in the beginning but didn't ask yesterday - didn't go near it and I wasn't about to bring it up. On one hand I was kind of relieved that I didn't have to expose myself. Yet it makes me feel so alone and isolated when I have something as big as SIF going on and no-one wants to poach the subject. Especially within a group of women I've known since becoming a mother.

I got home after the antenatal catch-up and phoned the health shop my former herbalist works at and have an appointment for next Wednesday! I also phoned the "healer lady" and left a message saying I was discontinuing the sessions. I want to keep things simple and financially we can only afford to pay for one treatment at a time. I'm really hoping that I'm on the right track now. The last time I saw the herbalist, around four years ago, I had almost a two hour consultation as she delved right into my health history throughout my whole life and pieced past health complaints with ones in the present. Apparently she'll be doing similar this time at the initial consult. When I switch practitioners I always feel a little renewed and empowered that I have hopefully found someone who is able to tune into me.

I am feeling really disappointed and judged by the friends recently who've basically said that I am not grateful for what I have. They may as well have just come out with it - that they don't think I love my daughter. I'm furious at that underlying accusation!! I do love my daughter. So very, very much. I am still blown away that I am a Mum. I still see it as a miracle that she's here. I have lots of moments where I just look at her and think Is she really mine? I feel so blessed to be able to be a SAHM and to be able to spend so much time with her. If I didn't love her so much or value being a SAHM, do you think I'd want another child?

I know of Mums who stopped at one child (when they could have had another) for various reasons. Some found motherhood more stressful and tiring than they'd imagined. For some it was a financial decision. But they were very clear that they didn't want another child even though they loved their child very much.

Wanting to become a mother be it for the first, second, or third time isn't something any woman takes lightly. Of course she's thought about it and isn't acting on a whim. It's mostly a very powerful urge that any woman who has had the maternal tug can identify with. It's the most natural thing in the world to desire children. I just get pissed that my desire is sometimes treated as a ridiculous want. Why? Because the writing is on the wall that it's not going to happen? Well it's not over til God and I decide it's over. I'm listening to me and I'm listening to God. I cannot afford to take on other peoples judgements and negativity at this time. It goes back to that saying if you haven't got anything nice to say, then don't say it!