Finding my power again

I have been continuing to recite The Serenity Prayer several times a day. It seems to be a good way to keep my mind focused on the present and to work out what I can and cannot change within SIF.

I still keep handing my power over to someone else midst SIF - namely health professionals. But I've made some decisions of late. I'm going in to see my Dr today and want to make it clear I want to concentrate on sorting out my hormonal imbalance. I've been on the "happy pills" for two weeks now which were prescribed to help with my mood swings. They aren't meant to kick in til about now or even til three weeks down the track, yet I have been feeling better. I think this is more about my attitude than the pills. I really don't want to be on them for long so will probably just stay on them for another two weeks. I have the progesterone cream on stand-by and I am curious as to whether that could help my mood swings or not. I don't want to use the cream while on the "happy pills".

I've had four sessions with the " healer lady" and she said at the start most people come for four to six sessions. I've decided I'll stop at six sessions, if not at next weeks fifth session. Every time I go there and lie on the massage table I get a craving for an actual massage. So I'd rather spend the money on a massage I know is going to help me with relieving tension than these visits with a vibrational healer that feel a little flakey.

I have been working on Living in the Now all over again and tuning into God on a daily basis. When I focus on my relationship with God daily, I can see and feel His love a lot more. When I think outside of today I lose my connection with God in the process. When I'm forecasting my future and it doesn't seem like my will is going to be aligned with God's will; I am unable to feel God's love. It really is that simple.

Friends have been opening up to me here and there throughout my SIF journey. Several have shared how they have either made peace or are in the process of making peace with either having no children or one child, for reasons outside of infertility. However each time they share I feel they are coaxing me into seeing being a MOO as a finality and they cannot understand why I am hanging in there. Only those who've been through IF/SIF truly get how the desire for another child overrides what might seem like a hopeless situation from the outside. I believe my love for another child is very real. Otherwise I would have given up on this dream months ago.