The Serenity Prayer

I have been reciting The Serenity Prayer to myself a few times over the last couple of days. Somehow it does work. I actually had some serenity in my day yesterday.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I had a lovely three hours out in the sunshine yesterday with my daughter. We walked down to the local beach/playground. She's at that inbetween stage with the buggy - wants to walk some of the way and then gets tired so I still have to take the buggy just in case. It took us about twenty minutes to walk what would be ten minutes if she was in the buggy then she lost enthusiasm and I put her in the buggy. There was no rush as we had no plans yesterday so had lots of time to smell the roses as such. It was really busy at the playground since it's school holidays here in New Zealand and my daughter had a ball playing with all the older kids. They took her under their wing as she spinned and rocked her way around the playground.

I've organised a catch-up with my antenatal class next week. Only half can come as all of them are working part-time during the week and at different times. I got an RSVP email back yesterday from one telling me her second child is turning two soon and how she couldn't believe it. Of course she has no idea the extent of my SIF as I only see her every now and then. But that really stung. There will be five of us meeting up and three are MOTs and the other one is currently TTC. When I organised this get-together I was in a better place with it all. Now I'm back to wanting to avoid bumps and not just babies, but second additions as much as possible.

It breaks my heart that that MOT from my antenatal class has raised a two year old boy in the same two years that I've been dealing with so much crap with SIF. It feels so unjust and I am pissed about that today!

I texted a really good friend yesterday to see how she was doing and found out her fourth IVF failed. She found out last week and didn't contact me. I don't expect her to but it seems the pain of IF is too much to share with even those we are close to at times. My heart is breaking for this friend though as although I often feel like I haven't moved anywhere; I have been raising my daughter - someone who calls me Mummy and gives me kisses and cuddles. I do get that I have this very precious child in my life. My friend may not ever get that.

I haven't heard much from a friend who has become a recent MOT. It does hurt to know she's doing all those newborn things even though I know it's not an easy time. I feel once again between two worlds - the fertile one and the infertile one and none of my friends can identity with me. It is so incredibly lonely at times and can be very isolating. Even after two years I still don't enjoy the way I feel partly estranged from most people I know.

But I'm going with One Day At A Time with it all. I've been trying to tune into God a little more. If I give Him a chance; I can find peace in my heart. God is very clearly telling me to focus on today. I'm not meant to know the outcome just yet. It's time to stop winding myself up with second-guessing God's Will.