Handing my baby dreams over to God has resulted in a huge release of tension. Suddenly all this time and energy that used to go into TTC - thinking about it, mourning about it, getting angry about it has been freed up. I do still feel sad and am grieving my dream of another biological child. But I guess because I've admitted to myself that I am utterly powerless over the outcome and am better off letting God figure it all out; I've found some kind of acceptance around it all. It's a process and I don't expect I'll be over it overnight or anything. I am still monitoring my exposure to bumps and MOTs whenever possible.
At the same time I even have some excitement emerging that God may just figure it all out for us. But it might be a very different outcome to what I'd hoped. I'd dreamed of two biological daughters for so long but I may end up with one biological daughter and an adopted son - who knows. My fantasies of two little girls playing together are fading. I can see our daughter pushing a buggy with a baby boy in - she will be around five years old probably if we get picked as adoptive parents. School age which means I'd have the days to bond with our new addition.
I don't think it's a sure thing at all. But it's a possibility that to be honest feels much more likely than conceiving another biological child ever was. So we shall see. In the meantime I have a new sense of freedom to be grateful for. Maybe it is the happy pills doing their thing as I have had moments of feeling light and even happy over the last few days ago. Perhaps I was just barking up the wrong tree for a while and now I've found the right tree; things might perhaps turn out okay.
No comments:
Post a Comment