It's probably going to take me a few days/weeks/months to process that my TTC days are really over. I feel so many things - relief at being out of what was a hopeless quest, and anger at my Dr/gyno/former herbalist, acupuncturist and vibrational healer for giving me false hope and not addressing my hormonal imbalance earler. I feel sad that I will never get to experience pregnancy again, or child birth ever (my daughter was delivered via c-section while I was under a general) breastfeed, and be able to look at another baby and see several generations weaved into her tiny face.
The sadness is not so huge however as I have been in a state of grief for a very long time. I do have a lot of hope that another baby could come our way and I am trusting God with that one. I also am feeling a lot of guilt for wanting another biological child. Because at the end of the day I am a Mum. I'm a parent and I have a little girl to tuck into bed each night. I know this is the stark difference between SI's and I's - many infertiles won't get to experience what I have already. I am hugely grateful for the miracle that is my daughter and the timing of her conception. Had she been conceived a year later, for instance, it would probably have been a year too late as my ovary would no doubt have been removed at the time it was regardless of pregnancy or not.
One of my infertile friends visited me today and shared how she couldn't read my blog because I do have a daughter. Another infertile friend has said the same thing. I do get that - that many infertiles cannot identify with the SI. I still feel stuck between two worlds - the fertile one and the infertile one. But at least I'm not fighting to join the fertiles anymore. I have accepted that I sit somewhere in the middle.
Now that I've stepped outside of SIF, I am already starting to gain some perspective around my experience. I'm processing the last two years and some of the desperate places I got to in the hope of conceiving. SIF has brought out the best and the worst in me. And without a doubt I have been changed through all this. I am stronger and am going to speak up more about secondary infertility. The next time someone thrusts a bump in front of me while whinging about morning sickness or complains about how little sleep she is getting from her newborn I might just have to remind her how lucky she is. Once you've been through secondary infertility, whatever the outcome, you have a new appreciation and sense of gratitude for the child you have and how miraculous conception really is.
I feel like I ought to be congratulated somehow for making it to this point. Kinda of like the lyrics to some song we dance to at Bodyjam: "What doesn't kill me will only make me stronger" rings very true to me. SIF took me to the edge, and I had to deal with some pretty full-on emotional stuff during it all but I survived. I had to face the fact that another biological child wasn't in God's plans for me and that broke my heart.
I am living God's Will now and it feels so much lighter. My heart is full - not empty. I feel love, not pain. I may not be able to talk too long to pregnant women right now or cuddle a newborn but I know I have made huge progress. I want to thank all of you who have stuck by me on my journey. I made it to the finish line. Maybe I didn't win the race but I finished.
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