I've had a wee emotional backlash around the whole adoption idea the last few days. A few self-doubts and Am I doing the right thing? kind of concerns. I think it has to do with starting to tell friends and family in real life (as opposed to in cyber space). I feel quite vulnerable telling people and I guess I'm aware that the reaction to wanting to adopt a child could be quite different from announcing a pregnancy. I cried a little when I told one family member as of course talking about adoption is a reminder that I'm infertile and all the history that comes with that.
I had a few other near-tear moments in the weekend. One was when I was near the baby clothes in a shop. I was only there as I was looking at the preschoolers clothing which was right next to it. Another teary moment was when I was at work on Sunday and a Dad was holding his baby boy. I felt like going out the back and having a cry then and there.
It's very different being at the end of the road with SIF - knowing for it's all over as opposed to being in the middle of it and hoping like hell a small miracle might happen. It has been painful seeing babies for the last year in particular (when my infertility "worsened"), but now it really is like a knife going through my heart.
At least now I can finally process some of the feelings I've been holding back on. When I was going through SIF I didn't often grieve as fully as I could have as I still had question marks hovering over my head. Now there are no question marks, so I am working my way towards acceptance and peace around what is.
It was good to have a few days away at my Mum's holiday home by the beach. I just chilled out really (except for work on Sunday). I thought I might go for a run out there since I was missed my gym work-outs but I didn't even go for a walk. It was good just to slow down and take it easy for a bit.
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