Bye bye maternity gear

So I've been working the twelve steps around SIF. Currently I am on step three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I spend a bit of time out in our garden reading about step three and writing about it yesterday. I have made a decision several times over the last two years to hand my baby dreams over to God but I keep taking them back. Why? Because I cannot let go. I'd rather sit here cradling my broken dreams and trying to obtain some control over them in the pretence that it makes me feel better. But it doesn't. Trying to control something I clearly have no control over just makes me downright miserable.

I've done other step threes in my life and when it is around something big I do tend to hang on til it's obvious I'm just making a fool of myself hanging in there. I believe I've reached this point with SIF. Every woman and every situation within SIF is different. But when I look at mine it is truly hopeless. I think when you have procedures to look forward to then it is clear that you are still very much in the game with SIF. However I am at a standstill - there doesn't seem to be anywhere for me to go. So I think I have reached a point where it's time to hand my baby dreams over to God for once and for all.

I will continue addressing my hormonal imbalance and through that maybe things will turn around for me fertility-wise. But in the meantime I'm going to stop trying so hard and just try to be and look after me. I phoned Pregnancy Help yesterday and asked if they wanted some maternity gear. It is a voluntary organisation that accepts donations for Mums-to-be who are in financial strife. A woman is coming round later this morning to pick it all up. It's just a pair of jeans, some black capri pants, a black skirt and three tops. I've lost weight since I last became pregnant so that stuff wouldn't fit me anyway. If by some miracle I get pregnant again then I will splash out and get some brand new gear.

Part of tuning into God's will for me at this time is being open to other options for adding to our family. All along I have had adoption as a possibility in the back of my mind. Yet I have been grieving another biological child so haven't been able to consider it seriously. I'm now at the point where I'm very open to adoption and am ready to explore it further. My husband is still processing the idea so all I can do is trust that it will be sorted out in God's time. I'm not interested in donor eggs so adoption is our last option. It gives me some hope knowing it is something we could look into. If it's not meant to be then I will know for once and for all that we are meant to be a family of three.

I went to the local ASD support group yesterday but it was just myself, my daughter and a Japanese lady who came along. It was the first time for all of us. The organiser thought it was strange that no-one else was there and is looking into it. But it was good to meet a Mum whose child had being recently diagnosed at the age of twelve with Aspergers. There were some parallels behaviour-wise and socially with our girls. Yesterday the head teacher at Kindy said she'd like to bring in a teacher aide for our daughter as she does need quite a lot of one-on-one time and this takes away from the other children. It will take a few months for this to happen but it sounds good to me.

One of the Mums I have known since Playgroup was at Kindy yesterday sporting a rounded belly. I wanted to burst into tears then and there. I suppose because I am in this phase of handing my baby dreams over to God, it stings watching others getting what I want.

I got a filling at the dentist yesterday (and am getting three more next week!). I had to acknowledge on the form that I am on antidepressants. The dentist didn't recognise the name and asked what they are for and I just said "mood swings". But I wanted to add "for a broken-heart, my despair and grief at not being able to have another child, because no-one - Dr's, specialists seem to be able to work out what's going on with me, and because of the aching loneliness I feel as I go through SIF." I guess that might have been TMI (too much information) though!

I wanted to justify why I was on the happy pills and that actually I'm not a basket case (usually). I didn't enjoy being outed for taking anti-depressants. It's been three weeks on those and I don't feel any different. I do think a massive accumulation of many SIF variables is what has led me to a place of hopelessness and depression. I'm hoping by handing it all over to God that life will start to feel a lot more serene, sane and manageable.