SIF is a cruel paradox. On one hand I have this beautiful and lively preschooler to mother. She really is the apple of my eye. Yet at the same time I am continously grieving another child that looks less likely to be coming my way as time marches on. (not that time feels like it marches much when you are a SI).
This morning I woke up feeling how I often feel - low, on the brink of tears and full of so many emotions that I'm not sure which one to tune into. Well I tuned in today and the underlying feeling is grief. My heart is being ripped apart with SIF. Some days or even weeks the feeling isn't so intense but it is always there. So perhaps this depression and the mood swings I have are very much part of SIF.
I went to the Dr yesterday and she reckoned there was some improvement with my mood since starting the antidepressants two weeks ago. The thing is two weeks ago I shared some of my feelings around SIF/my frustration with my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure. I was feeling low when I went in. Yet when I went in yesterday I was perhaps in a better place but if my Dr had really delved, she would have found that my heart is bleeding just like it was two weeks ago.
My Dr thinks I should stay on the anti-depressants for a few months. I'm not sure I agree. I will stay on them for another two weeks at least. In the meantime I'm going to shop around for someone who may be clued up about hormonal imbalances. It seems utterly ridiculous that someone can't figure out what the hell is going on with me!! My Dr gave me an article about menopause but it's obvious she doesn't know what to do with me and also has no real empathy around the emotional/psychological changes that come with menopause. Arghhhh!
My Dr did organise some free counselling for me though but it could happen anywhere between three weeks and six months from now. Hmmm. I know I could organise counselling myself but then I'd have to pay for it. We can only really cover one procedure at a time and at the moment it's vibrational healing that we are paying for.
My despair is about so many things: not being able to have another baby yet not being given any kind of conclusion, the lack of empathy from Drs and even alternate health workers of the emotional pain caused by SIF and therefore the need to get things resolved or at least moving - somewhere, and the continued feeling of emotional estrangement from friends and family. Bottom line is I still feel so very alone within SIF. I get tidbits of compassion here and there but they are fleeting. I've never connected with anyone in real life around SIF in an ongoing kind of a way.
It might sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm just telling it like it is. I am logging into the secondary infertility community in Dailystrength daily again and that helps a lot. Yet even there I feel like I'm being left behind as some of my peers carry on with treatments or even get a BFP.
But I shall carry on doing all that I can and that's just taking things one day at a time. My grief overwhelms me but I feel I cannot completely grieve until I'm told or I feel that it's really over.
1 comment:
(((Hugs))) I know a bit how you feel. A part of Phoebe's birthday was bittersweet for me - thinking that she's 8 years old now and still doesn't have a sibling.
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