2nd guessing God

Warning: this is a long post - you better make a cuppa!

As I wade through all the stuff that has come up for me as a consequence of experiencing secondary infertility, it has become clear that I haven't fallen pregnant lately for a whole heap of complex reasons that I'm just starting to unravel. These are biological, emotional and psychological in nature. I am in the process of sorting out this out, to set myself free as such. I'm kind of 2nd guessing God here as to why I'm at a standstill with trying to conceive. Some possibilities include:

1. I'm just coming out of almost three years of attachment parenting
My daughter has been a "high needs" child right from the start and so we have essentially met her needs via attachment parenting. Dr Sears has been my man from the early days, and I have agreed one hundred percent about his philosophies around breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and responding to a baby's needs. I've always felt my daughter's emotional health has benefited immensely because of attachment parenting. The only downfall is it can be incredibly exhausting parenting in this manner. We are now reaping the rewards for our endurance, and our daughter is emerging as a confident almost-three year old who understands that her emotional needs will always be met.

Now as our daughter gains independence, her needs are changing so in a sense as parents we are feeling a new found freedom, as parenting is no longer so intense. Although co-sleeping and breastfeeding (a once-a-day nap time suckle at this point) still happen, I am in the process of weaning my daughter (and myself!) from both.

I have shared my daughter's bed for part of the night for some time and now sleep on a mattress in a floor in her room, as she still wakes and usually a quick cuddle or pat or even just me reassuring her with my voice gets her back to sleep. We used to nap together and just this week I have stopped napping with her. I am not being black and white about this process and will snuggle and cuddle when the needs arises. It hasn't been an easy process for me, I will admit that as I enjoyed the snuggles. Yet letting go of the naps and getting myself to bed earlier at night has meant intimacy is increasing with my husband, as I thought it might.

2. Could I cope with two preschoolers?
Even though I've nannied, and looked after many children over the years, the thought of raising two preschoolers has been something I've been a little bit apprehensive about. One reason is because of the above - attachment parenting has been very tiring and time-consuming. The rewards and the emotional bonds experienced because of it have definitely been worth it. However I have often wondered how I would have coped parenting two under threes in this way. At this rate if I got pregnant this year, my daughter would be closer to four by the time a baby arrived. Which means she'd be at Kindy five mornings a weeks, and obviously a lot more independent all round. I certainly don't mind that spacing. The spacing between children has never been an issue for me - more the disappearing periods that hint that my time could be running out.

I can have depressive episodes and I have also wondered as to whether two preschoolers, particularly two under threes might send me over the edge. I have met two Mums of one over the last couple of years who have quite openly said they won't have any more children as one had bad post-natal depression and the other has clinical depression. I really admired how in tune they both were with their own emotional limitations, I suppose you could say. I have thought for me it would be hopefully easier to have one at Kindy and one at home. Who knows, I'm sure more than one child would be a challenge, whatever the spacing. With no extended family in town, it has been hard work raising our daughter with little outside help. One Nana is in town quite regularly and our daughter adores her. By the time another comes, we will hopefully be able to leave her with Nana and probably other adults more frequently which would take the load off.

3. It's time to put the romance back into our marriage
It has been an interesting shift of late for me. Like many Mums, I'm sure, it was my baby who I was most intimately attached to for so long. Quite naturally as my daughter starts branching out and making friends and adult connections, she hasn't needed me with quite the same intensity. I've therefore responded by giving her the space she needs which in turn is giving me space. So there is a gap there that is now slowly being replaced by my husband, as it should be. I guess if we had another baby right now we wouldn't have the opportunity to rekindle the spark as such. It's been a good reminder lately that although I love my daughter more than anything in the world, my marriage is very important to me and it's time to focus on that again - and to have some fun with it too. I plan to get another babysitter on board this year so my husband and I can go out on dates a bit more frequently.

4. I'm turning 40 in seven months and it's time to take stock of my life
There has been a definite grief process as my daughter has seemingly grown up overnight and there's been more time for me. Perhaps I was just getting a bit bored with life now that she needs me less and thought a baby would give me a new focus. (how terrible does that sound, but not an uncommon thought). Lately I've clicked I need to put energy back into me.

This secondary infertility crisis seems to be linked in with turning forty and has given me the opportunity to reassess my life, every single aspect, and to work out what I really, really want. At first it was overwhelming, realising I was questioning everything, but now it's quite exciting as I do feel a new me emerging, who is quite a different model to the thirty-something Lynda. I had always thought my family would be complete by the time I was forty. Although I don't have an issue with forty plus Mums, I do have an issue with me personally becoming a new Mum at this age. Not sure why. Admittedly it would be easier knowing a baby was probably coming for time-lines and all that for the next few years, but for now I have to continue with my life as if that is a big maybe for us.

5. We live in a rented two bedroom house
We love our house. It's just ten minutes walk from the beach and it's got a great vibe. We'd like to own a house one day and are kind of late entering the market by New Zealand standards, being in our late thirties. Yet we don't want to put our daughter in childcare and wouldn't use childcare if another baby comes along. These are our choices, one of the main reasons being is I have always feared I might only have one child (since the obstetrician "warned" me to hurry up and get pregnant soon if I wanted another one because of losing the ovary and possible early menopause). So I didn't want to miss out on these precious early years with my daughter if this was going to be my only shot at motherhood.

This means we are several years away from buying our own home since I would be needing to be bringing in a decent chunk of change for us to even consider going there and that won't happen until our daughter starts school. Unless I earn very good money somehow on a casual/part-time basis. (who knows!) Feng Shui wise we aren't set up for a family of four in the long-term - I know our friends with an enormous house in the country have now filled it with four children and we have always joked that they should have gotten a smaller place if they didn't want so many kids! In the short-term we could put a baby in with us and then when older do the bunk thing with the two kids. It is a bit of a Western thing that children should have their own bedrooms, and I don't think they do need to have their own rooms; I'm just programmed to think that in a sense.

6. There are twins in the family!
Well there are twins on my husbands side of the family. And with my age and fertility drugs being likely (if I ever get another proper period!), who knows...I have always wanted twins. Crazy, I know. And now I have one child I know I really would want a bit of a break between the baby stages if there were twins coming on board. Obviously I have no idea at all about this - a psychic once told me I might have twins - but then another said I'd marry a Scotsman in a tarten scarf (!), and that didn't happen. So really I'm talking through my butt on this one!!

7. Perhaps I just want to recreate my own family of origin
Because I have always wanted two girls; it may be partly because I grew up with a sister. Maybe I just want two children to heal some of my own past wounds. I am aware of living through children, however, and have always allowed space in my life to work on my own stuff.

8. I have a cyst and/or am entering peri-menopause
It's frustrating, but no-one knows yet what's going on with me biologically but it's obviously something! I mean no periods in four months, then a very light period and no sign of ovulation this whole time. I do think the cyst is responsible that was found in December. Anyway I'm off to the gyno Jan 16 so fingers crossed some light is shed on all this. It would just be nice to know where my body is at. It's been hard not knowing and letting go of the urgency (in my head!) to know now!

9. My experience with secondary infertility has brought me closer to God
I have had spiritual beliefs for a while and have always believed in a God of my understanding. I am not religious, yet I am definitely exploring religion at this point in time. I just feel Gods love so deeply; it's indescribable. I wouldn't have gotten here had it not been for this crisis which makes me believe I really am exactly where I'm meant to be in life today. Some good has come out of this journey so far as I have been changed through this experience already.

10. Perhaps I wasn't put on earth just to be a Mother
I've heard women describe motherhood as their "calling" and although motherhood has altered my life greatly and brought out my maternal side, I'm not sure I am a woman who was meant to breed a lot of kids. Obviously I won't have a huge tribe at this rate anyway. And actually I only ever wanted two kids. Well, maybe three. Okay, I would love loads of kids in some ways but my age, and economic factors have meant I have settled for just two in my head. I think God has some significant things planned for me outside of motherhood, but what they are, I'm not yet sure.