Getting over myself

The weather has been amazing here in Nelson, New Zealand over the last couple of days. Hot. Scorching hot. Like 30 degrees.

Yesterday we went to the annual Jazz Festival in the park. We met up with a friend and her son. It was just so nice to hang out, listen to great music, and to enjoy a wee cider in the sun. The two kids played well together and all in all it was a relaxing family outing.

Although I saw heaps of children, I didn't see one baby but I sighted a few bumps. Perhaps it was the cider and the heat of the day, but I really felt like I was truly present in the moment, lapping it all up. I even thought to myself how freeing it was to be out with just one child who is becoming increasingly independent.

Today we had two visits to the beach and one to the local mall. It's been a great day of just hanging out together as a family. The second visit to the beach was after tea for an evening paddle. As our daughter gets older, there is certainly more flexibility to do the odd evening outing.

I've made amends to friend no. 1 for miscommunicating that I wanted nothing to do with her for a bit since she was newly pregnant with her second child. I had attempted to put up a boundary around hearing details around her pregnancy as when I was quite depressed, it was too hard to hear. I hurt her in the process as she thought I was dumping her, if only temporarily, because she was pregnant. It sounds terrible but I needed to withdraw for a few days to figure things out. Friends of mine with primary infertility issues were out of touch sometimes for years once I got pregnant. I do understand why. Yet it is a shame to let go of those you love just because they have what you so desperately want.

What I have realised is that I don't want to lose friend no. 1's friendship and will just have to find a way to get over myself, so we can resume our friendship. Already I feel a lot less desperate about my situation, so that probably helps.

Friends and strangers are going to fall pregnant. I cannot bury my head in the sand. Especially since I'm a Mum already and see bumps and babies pretty regularly: I may as well just accept that they are going to be out there. I can't expect friends in particular to go into hiding just because they got something I didn't! Basically, I sulked for a few days when friend no.1 told me her news. I was like the child who didn't get what I asked Santa for when one of my friends did!

But I'm in a better place with it all today. Just because friend no.1 is preggars; doesn't mean she has won the lottery and that her life is one big fairy-tale. It's so easy to think that when others get what we want. Obviously I am very good at withdrawing from others when it seems as though my desires aren't going to be fulfilled.

Dreams have their challenges too. Bringing a new life into the world is a gift but it isn't always easy. I think I just needed to be reminded of that lately.