My eleventh hour

I really think Tuesday, the day before my gyno appointment was the eleventh hour for me. I was starting to feel that my mood swings were quite unmanageable, and was worried about the affects all this was having on my home-life. So I was prepared to go to the Dr and go on to anti-depressants if needed. I have never taken them before, so for me that was quite an act of humility to recognise that I needed serious help.

Thankfully with an actual fertility-plan in place, I feel so much better about it all. For me the powerlessness of months with no periods/a cyst/no medical direction just really got me down. It was incredibly frustrating to not be going anywhere with it all.

I've had other eleventh hours in my life. It is usually at that point when I have admitted complete and utter defeat around my human powerlessness over something outside of myself that I have no control. The last time I went through something as massive as this was over a decade ago. It was the beginning of a spiritual path that changed my life. Perhaps not obvious to everyone on the outside; but on the inside my world was turned upside down and I changed as a result of it.

The very same thing has happened/is happening to me throughout my experiences with secondary infertility. I have let God in in a much bigger way than ever before. This is hard to comprehend if 1. you don't believe in God and 2. you've never had a major personal crisis. But to me it's very real.

Just before I saw the gyno I was reminded of the last time I had to hand some big stuff over to the God of my understanding. To get through it all I made two posters of the words ACCEPTANCE and SURRENDER. Those two words got me through a very rough time. On Tuesday I wrote the same words on a white-board as I was acknowledging to myself on some level that I was at the eleventh hour with all this.

This does not meant it's going to be smooth-sailing from here on in. I know that. No doubt the ups and downs will continue as I deal with all that trying to conceive (TTC) brings up. But I feel stronger somehow, that I have some ammunition to get through the next stage, and all that comes with it.

I have a saying on a wee sign that friend no. 3 gave me that affirms all of the above for me:

LORD help me to
remember that
nothing is going to
happen to me today
that You and I together
can't handle.