This still sucks though

Yesterday I went and had a day 21 progesterone blood test. The woman who did it was quite a friendly sort and noted I was on Clomid. Then she proceeded to tell me how she had conceived on Clomid twenty years ago with the same gyno I have and went on to say how wonderful he was. I know she meant well, but given my half-diagnosis of ovarian failure and the unlikehood of Clomid working in my situation; I really didn't need to hear it. Also my experiences with my gyno haven't been quite so wonderful. I didn't know what to say so just kind of nodded and smiled. She was attempting to be sympathetic around TTC and the pressure around it yet obviously thought I was still in the running - not that I had been sent off the TTC field!

I'm pleased that Clomid has worked for so many women. But not me. I guess I had a sinking feeling right from the start that Clomid might not kick-start ovulation for me. I have known my infertility was permanent I suppose on some level for quite some time.

But it's not getting easier accepting my fate. Sure, I might be in a better space with it all. I'm trying to look at the positives and to just follow God's lead. However some days are going to be better - or worse - than others.

I received the final copy of the parent centre newsletter that I wrote a (voluntary) column for in the mail yesterday. I was already feeling quite triggered around my infertility after my blood test so shouldn't have done it - shouldn't have opened up the newsletter as sure enough it is riddled with stories about pregnancies and growing families. The knife really went in when I read that the editor's second baby was now four weeks old and she was relishing motherhood for the second time, including breastfeeding in the wee hours with her bundle of joy.

I have been thinking again why God, why me? I just don't understand why I had to be one of the "chosen" infertiles. Today I am hurting and not so okay with the way things are paning out.

Yet I'm trying my best to move on and accept things and will get there in my own time and way. Even though I am looking forward to the next stage - the Kindy years - within parenthood, I am also sad to say goodbye to the toddler years. A part of me is more than ready to move on from Playgroup yet another part of me will miss it. We have afterall been going twice a week for almost three years. This next stage in my daughter's life only empathises the fact there isn't a babe in the wings. It seems so natural that I should be looking after a younger child at this stage - and so unnatural that I'm not.

Anyway I'm choosing to see our last day at Playgroup this morning as a celebration. I've bought a book and a card and will do a bit of baking this morning for the Mums. I want to say thanks to the centre but in a way, I'm doing this for me. It's my way of embracing change in a positive manner.

Moving forward

Yesterday I went and did the paperwork to get my daughter into Kindy. I took her along and she had a ball running around for twenty minutes with the whole Kindy to herself (as we went in at the end of the afternoon session.) I think she is going to love it!

I feel as though both she and I are graduating from Playgroup! Although I am ready for this next stage I do feel sad that I don't have a baby in the wings to look after at home as my daughter enters Kindy. When we went to the supermarket yesterday I saw a MOT who used to go to Playgroup with her baby - her son would have been at Kindy. I used to think or at least hope that would be me - that by the time my daughter entered Kindy, there would be another one on the way at the very least.

Although I am disappointed by the non-baby outcome, I am trying not to dwell on what isn't and embrace what is. When my grief comes up around having a two-child family; I remind myself that I do have options should we want to add to our family. I have been researching a bit on the Net about donor eggs and adoption. I haven't even discussed this with my husband yet as I feel we need a period of time to digest our reality and no doubt we won't do that completely until I get a proper diagnosis. But I know there are other possibilites out there for us should it turn out that adding to our family is what we really want to do.

I talked to my sister yesterday about the positives of being a one-child family. I guess for so long I have rejected the whole one-child family concept and so I've had quite a negative perspective on it. (for us - not for one-child families in general). But there are certainly advantages of having just one child: more financial freedom, more spare time, and no sibling rivlary. For us as non-home owners it would mean we could focus on buying a two bedroom home rather than the three bedroom home that seems to be out of our reach in these economic times.

I guess it's simply about looking on the brighter side of things. I have also been thinking how shit happens in life. We all have disappointments and incidences of things not turning out as we hoped. This is one of those times for me. Yet now I pretty much know that having another biological child is ruled out; I am able to move forward.

I may carry around my maternal ache for another child for quite some time. I'm not going to pressure myself to get past it all within any particular time-frame. It is like processing a death so I'm sure there'll be a few more ups and downs to come. But I'm drawn towards the positives in my life. I went to the gym last night and went on the bike, did some weights then a Bodybalance class. The gym has been my saviour these last months - I am well and truly addicted to the feel-good factor a gym workout provides.

I feel a sense of freedom as this new chapter in our family life opens up. I was chained to the TTC mode for too long. It wasn't even two years but it was long enough for me to feel affected and restricted so that was all my life was about. No longer as I have closed the door on all that. (admittedly it's open a crack as I wait for a full medical opinion). I feel as though I am rediscovering me post-TTC. I believe I will come out of this feeling stronger and more in tune with what I want out of life than ever before.

A New Chapter

Last night I went to the first of three workshops on Stress Free Parenting held by SKIP at our local Kindy. It's essentially a workshop about disciplining preschoolers and it's free. It was good. It feels like I'm doing something positive for my daughter/our family. The Head Teacher was there and she said my daughter now has a spot to start Kindy - so she's starting on Monday! She's going into afternoon Kindy which means attending three two hour sessions a week.

I am so excited about this next phase of parenthood - becoming a Kindy Mum! My daughter and I are both ready for the next step. It means we can finally let go of Playgroup which will be a huge relief. Although I will miss the social contact and support Playgroup has provided me, it is quite timely that we leave at this point. We'll pop in in the school holidays but won't be on the role anymore as of this Thursday. I thought I would donate a book to Playgroup as a thanks for the last almost three years. (I started taking my daughter when she was six months old). It has been a great place to go to network with other Mums.

It does feel as though my world is slowly opening up outside of Mummyhood. At the workshop last night there were some Mums that I know from Playgroup/Music. The majority had two kids, one had three and one Mum announced she was pregnant with her fourth child! There were three of us with one child. Sibling rivalry came up a bit in discussions as did the limited amount of time you have with several children.

The usual mix of heart-ache and envy came up when the MOTs shared. I guess it will be there for a while. Yet when the MOF-to-be shared around the dilemma of so many children/not enough time I did think well that's my blessing then, isn't it - there is enough time in the day. My daughter and I just cruise around, really, doing our own thing.

As we move on from Playgroup I am letting go of my Mum social network a little. Music will be the only activity we'll attend weekly where I'll be swamped by MOTs and bumps. And I'm happy about that.

My social contact is now through my job on Sundays and the gym. And I'm satisfied with that. I feel like I really am no longer part of the baby/toddler world so it feels good to be moving on from that.

It does indeed feel like a new chapter. God is showing me that great things are on the horizon. I've known all along it would all work out - it's just God's plan is clearly quite different to what mine was.

Going with God's Will

I have felt much better about things the last couple of days. Where I'm at is perhaps God's Will for me to (probably) not have another biological child isn't a bad thing. I guess I have moved into acceptance a little more, have been looking at the positives and am also over fighting something that really feels like it isn't meant to be.

To be honest, I have slowly felt a huge weight lifting off my shoulders as I have gradually let go of the TTC deal. I feel a shift going on. For so long I have put TTC first but now I'm back to putting me first. This means sorting me out - not pushing me aside in my desperate attempts to achieve ovulation. I've had a hormonal imbalance for a couple of years - it is time to get that sorted out. My progesterone levels are so low - no wonder I have such severe mood swings. If I take a step back from all this, I know I'm not normally so moody. Emotional, yes. Moody, no. They are two different things.

I'm starting to embrace life as a family of three a lot more. We've talked about taking a wee family trip away sometime soon. It's time to celebrate us. I had put a holiday on hold in case it interfered with our TTC plans. But I cannot sit around anymore waiting for AF, or ovulation to occur.

I've been thinking about the advantages of having just one child. Financially we would be better off. I've been a stay-at-home Mum for almost three and a half years. I've had wee casual, part-time jobs on the side since my daughter was six months old but never more than ten hours a week. So we've essentially been living on one income for a few years. Once my daughter enters morning Kindy next year, I will have five mornings a week to work in some form. It will be nice to have a bit more money in our family budget.

Although I have loved being an at-home Mum, I do like my space. I do so love going to the gym and working my Sunday job. I am a creative person who without a creative outlet feels unfulfilled. Strangely this blog has met that need over the last few months. But one day it will be nice to write about something else!!

I feel I need a break from it all - to push TTC aside while I wait for some medical explanations. I can't even go there about other options for adding to our family. All options involve time and energy all over again and I'm not in the head space to consider them. Besides, there is no rush in regards to the other options if we're talking about IVF via donor eggs or adoption as it's not a case of dealing with my aging eggs and time running out. If you use a younger woman's eggs you can fall pregnant much later in life. The idea of this does not appeal to me at this point - I'm just mentioning it because it is one of my options.

Every now and then I feel pangs of excitement rushing through my body. That to me is about feeling God's Will. It may be different to mine, but it doesn't mean it isn't great. Letting go of TTC reminds me of letting go of a dying relationship. It's like the writing has been on the wall for so long and I didn't want to accept it so I hung in there much like a desperate woman clinging to a relationship that is sinking fast. I am essentially letting go of love (for another child). It's like that saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."

One Day At A Time

My gyno didn't phone me yesterday after his receptionist had said he would the day before. I am not surprised. Communication with my gyno has felt very stilted all along.

So all I can do is take it one day at a time. I will just go with what my Dr suggested and have another round of blood tests and see what results come out of those. It is a maddening place to be - half-knowing it's all over but having to wait for the full medical evidence before I can properly move on.

I am actually doing okay though, I think. I blog six mornings a week (with Sundays off) and it is so therapeutic for me. I just write what is on top and surprise, surprise I've had some devastating news in the last week so therefore my posts have reflected that. The feedback I get from some annoys me - kind of along the lines of push it to one side and carry on with my life as if my world isn't crumbling.

Well actually there are positives in my day - every day. I just do not necessarily report them within my blog as my blog is my emotional outlet. It is because I can purge here that I can go on with my day and hopefully be as present as possible in it.

I have started my day every day for a long time with a gratitude list. I list five things every morning that I am grateful for. Even within this time there are certainly things to be grateful for. I feel very connected to the God of my understanding right now despite the fact my will and His will do not match. There is healing going on spiritually and emotionally. A lot of good is coming out of this situation as far as relationships with others go. Of course I don't yet have the perspective to appreciate that fully.

I am a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve and has no issues with feeling her feelings. I always tell it like it is. This blog is firstly for me, secondly for anyone else who wants to read it. I am afterall the one experiencing this nightmare. If you choose to read this then you will know by now that it isn't always the most uplifting reading. But it's honest. It's real. And I know some women appreciate that. I am not about making light of difficult situations. That is not my style at all.

Last night I emailed out the invites for my Girls Night Out for my 40th in five weeks time. It is a fun night with a bodyjam class, dinner, and then dancing in town. I am not all doom and gloom. I have a sense of humour despite my current state of affairs. I feel I have to prove this to some out there right now and that just downright sucks. Have a heart for goodness sakes.

So just know that I am trying to make the most of an unacceptable situation (in my mind). I am in conflict with myself just about every day - do I accept my dire news or to I just carry on as if it hasn't happened? Do I believe the medical perspective of no hope for me with FSH levels of 86 or do I hold out hope that a pregnancy could occur for me despite the odds a la Julia Indichova ? By the way, one obviously needs to ovulate on occasion at least to have any kind of hope to fall pregnant. I haven't read Inconceivable but certainly wouldn't mind reading it as it sounds like an amazing story.

I feel as though I've done a lot of grieving this week but then my denial/non-acceptance of my situation creeps in and I think I maybe do still have another shot at motherhood. I simply don't know where I'm placed and that makes for some very confusing conversations with myself!

All I know is I don't want to fight this anymore. I think I will just let go of it all as best as I can as I wait for a proper diagnosis. No prenatal vitamins and no Clomid while the jury is out. I will keep charting to prove that my cycles are still annovulatory but that's about it. Although it feels odd to let go of my TTC patterns; I do feel some relief that my wasted efforts are coming to a close.

Took my last prenatal vitamin yesterday

I'm a little confused as to what I should be doing right now now that I'm somewhere between being properly diagnosed with ovarian failure and half-way through a cycle after round three of Clomid. (day 16 today). My temperature is so very low right now; it is obvious (to me) that I am in another annovulatory cycle.

I phoned my gyno surgery yesterday and asked that my gyno call me which he is due to do after lunch today. I really need to talk to him to discuss where I'm at. I was given an unofficial ovarian failure diagnosis via a blood report I received on Saturday in the mail, my Dr didn't want to elaborate too much on the diagnosis when I talked to her on Monday and wanted to do another lot of blood tests before confirming things. She plans to write to my gyno once the second lot of bloods are in.

From where I stand it seems absolutely ridiculous to continue with the Clomid. I have another day 21 progesterone test to do next Wednesday to check whether I ovulated or not. It may sound incredibly negative; but I know I haven't. I just know it. My prenatal vitamins ran out yesterday and it doesn't feel right buying any more. Don't worry people, if I thought there was any chance I could get pregnant then I would continue with them. Bascially TTC was a huge joke this cycle anyway as I have been too much of a mess to go there this week and my husband has been sick with a stomach bug! I have let go of TTC for now. Neither of us are in the right emotional or physical space to do so.

I am sure as hell hoping that my gyno will deliver some encouraging news today yet at the same time I know in my heart that this is it for me. I so don't want it to be and would do anything to turn around my situation. But I am completely and utterly powerless.

It has been a very emotional week with lots of tears and I've been so very tired. I've just been very kind to myself and have been taking it easy. I just really want this to all be over even though it is breaking my heart exiting the fertility race.

I opened my emails this morning to hear that a friend who has been struggling with primary infertility is pregnant with twins via IVF. I am rapt for her and shed some tears for her - as she's been through so much to get here. I also shed some tears for me as I am just so very, very sad that another pregnancy is so very unlikely at this point for me.

Thawing out

I've started (slowly) telling friends and family about my "news". Each time I tell someone it makes it more real, my denial is chipped away just a little bit more and I am forced to accept my reality. Boy do I hate it. I am so very, very angry with God right now. As my husband said this morning I will need to forgive God. I know. But I have a way to go at this point.

The tears have been flowing and I want to just stay in bed for a week and sleep and cry. I am so exhausted with all these emotions that are being released. I feel so flat. I went to bodycombat last night and had nothing much to give. The fight in me is gone as the fight is over and I feel well and truly defeated. I have been in this "fighting infertility" mode for so long that it is what I became. Now I don't know what I am. I feel lost all over again.

I am going to phone my gyno's surgery today about my recent blood test results as it seems ridiculous to do another round of Clomid at this point. It will be interesting to see how he interprets the results.

Feeling displaced

For the last twenty-two months I have been focused on TTC. I have taken herbs and vitamins (under the direction of a herbalist), had acupuncture appointments, taken Provera and Clomid and even had surgery all in the hope of "improving" my fertility. I have also eliminated caffeine from my diet, cut out sugary foods and recently switched to foods with a Low GI. I have used the law of attraction, positive thinking, wishful thinking, and prayer in my desperation to turn my fertility around. Nothing worked of course because it was never meant to be. I was never going to have another biological child however hard I tried, using whatever methods and techniques out there. There was never a magical remedy for my infertility.

I am thawing out of my numb state a bit so the tears started last night. Well I have shed tears every day since the "news" (of ovarian failure on Saturday) but I have held them back. I think on some level I thought if I let it all out it would be acknowledging it really is all over and I don't want it to be. It is so painful to register all this. I am finding it hard to verbalise and have shut down somewhat as the news is too devastating to deliver.

Almost two years of TTC for nothing. I had hoped that God might surprise me. That somehow, even though I knew my body probably wasn't going to produce another child, that God might find some window. Even now with my ridiciously high FSH levels I find myself hoping that perhaps in my case that won't be relevant. That maybe it doesn't really mean I'm in premature menopause. Maybe my hormones are all messed up for another reason that no-one has figured out yet that is totally unrelated to fertility.

Yeah, right. That's my denial talking. But I'm afraid I'm going to be operating from this place of denial from time to time as I can't yet accept my fate. I no longer feel like I'm even a SI if I'm not even part of the fertility race. I'm entering a post-SIF phase and I don't know this place. A lot of the way I have run my life over the last twenty-two months has been about TTC. Those efforts were wasted and now I'm sipping herbal teas wondering where to from here?

The options for someone with premature ovarian failure are to use donor eggs, to adopt or just to accept the status quo. Until I got to this point I didn't realise how strongly I felt about using my own eggs to create another child and how much I wanted another biological child. I wanted another baby that we had created. I was looking forward to the similarities and differences between siblings. I cannot believe it's not going to happen.

So I don't know what the next step is. I need to grieve the fact conceiving another a biological child isn't possible for us. At this point in time donor eggs feel like a big no and it probably isn't an option for me as IVF isn't applicable to me - my FSH levels are too high. Adoption? I really don't know. I haven't even gone there with my husband. It is too early to go there really.

So for now I have to just sit tight and deal with the aftermath of SIF while waiting for further blood test results. This sucks. I'm ready to scream about it. Why the fuck me God? Why don't you want me to have another biological child?

It's all a bit surreal

What a strange place to be in. My Dr phoned me yesterday to talk about my recent blood test results. She expressed concern about my unusually high FSH levels which were at 86 this cycle on Day 2. She agreed that another cycle of blood tests need to be done after which a letter will be sent to my gyno. She said she'd always been quite optimistic for me but said things were looking pretty bad at this point. She also said (once again) I was "so young" (for this diagnosis). Well, I have been told that repeatedly for the last two years "you're too young for menopause", along with "plenty of women conceive with just one ovary". Well not me people, not me.

I am still numb and in a state of shock. I don't want to digest this horrible news just yet and I suspect I won't until I have the full medical evidence which might not be for another month or two. So in the meantime I will just carry on with TTC even though my TTC days are over. I have read that some women can still conceive with a diagnosis of ovarian failure but the stats are so very, very low. Obviously you need to ovulate occasionally for this to happen. And I suspect I haven't ovulated for a very long time and perhaps won't ever again.

Thank goodness for the human mind and it's crafty ways of protecting itself in times of strife. Because I feel okay right now. I know I will have to deal with all this soon, but I'm not going to force my grief. Plus I have been grieving another baby for almost two years, if not longer. The day my daughter was born and I lost an ovary I was told I could enter premature menopause. I guess on some level I have been preparing myself for quite some time for the news I so didn't want to hear.

Of course being me I have researched a bit on the Net. I have all the symptoms of a menopausal woman (except for weight gain - I have lost weight) and I guess that's why all along I have feared this was my fate. Sigh. But I cannot think about all this too much right now. I think the best thing I can do is keep plodding along, taking it all One Day At A Time. The answers are coming - there is no need to force them to come along any faster.

I had a stint in the sauna after my gym work-out last night. A member who frequents the sauna on a Monday night asked me how many children I had and I knew it was coming...and sure enough: Are you going to have any more? I could have just said "no" couldn't I? But I ended up spilling out my SIF story, in a few short sentences, ending with it looked like I was in early menopause. She was clearly uncomfortable with hearing the details but she asked the question and I have after all only just received some distressing news around it all.

My MOT friend up the road overheard some of the conversation when my Dr phoned as she was dropping her daughter off for a play-date. We talked about it a little bit. Her Mum died on Sunday so obviously she is going through her own grief which I am truly sorry about. (Her Mum has had a terminal illness for the last few months). I gave her a hug and will no doubt do some of the usual things we do when someone loses a loved one - bake, send flowers and/or cards.

But I cannot help but feel that my inability to have any more biological children is going to be shelved by the majority of people out there as a "that's too bad" kind of a thing rather than the huge emotional/psychological/spiritual and biological/physical loss that it is. So I am not ready to tell the world just yet. Sure anyone who reads this blog/stumbles across it is privy to this information but it is still an on-line diary - not the evening news!

I shall continue to look after me and my needs at this time. So I will be keeping my distance from my MOT friends for a bit. I feel as though I cannot face them until I have the full story. It's ironically like the pregnant women who doesn't want to disclose her pregnancy til she reaches the 12 week mark. I don't want to tell everyone until I'm told this is well and truly over, even though it pretty much is. If you read my blog and you know me in person (and therefore friends/family that don't read this blog) then you have read some very private and painful information. This blog is however anonymous in many respects (despite my photo being on here!) so I would appreciate it if you could keep my barren woman news to yourself for now. Think of it as being like a private conversation. Thanks. :)

If you are a fellow SI I hope my crap news doesn't bring you down. I have hope for you. Your ending could be a happy one. I sincerely hope so.

Flogging a dead horse

Saturday morning I received a copy of my blood test results from last Friday. They don't make a lot of sense to me so I will try to call my Dr for an interpretation later this morning. However one small sentence is written at the bottom of the results: Results consistent with ovarian failure.

Ovarian failure is not good news. I have done enough research on the Net to know that this is pretty much indicative of early/premature menopause, as I have both suspected and feared all along. However until I've talked to my Dr, I am hanging in there, even though I know I am basically flogging a dead horse!

Midday Saturday I set off with three friends to Blenheim in a state of shock. It seems I am getting the answers I have been waiting for for a long time and they are confirming what I believe I always knew - that I really am infertile.

Thursday was the day I let a lot of emotions out, after the receptionist at my Dr's gave me her (unprofessional) version of the above comment. At the moment I feel numb and unable to accept on a deep level that this is all happening to me. It is very much like processing a death with that sick feeling in your stomach, the surreal feeling that "this can't be happening" and that numbness that protects you for a while from the enormous pain of it all.

I am on day 12 of my cycle and yet we are still TTC despite the above "news". The thing is, I will probably need to do some more blood tests before I get a conclusive answer, and I'm due to do another day 21 progesterone test this cycle so I kind of have to keep on TTC while the jury is still out. It is almost funny that we are TTC while the writing is on the wall.

I had a lovely night away and the timing was perfect. I was away with women mainly a generation older than myself who are well past their child-bearing days so there was no threat of parenting or pregnancy talk. I was able to talk to a really good friend about it in the back-seat on the way across to Blenheim, in a detached kind of a way. We had a lovely dinner on Saturday at where I had a roast, a passionfruit cheese-cake followed by a glass of port (which was on the house). We were staying at a motorlodge/backpackers and I slept soundly all night. I was exhausted so a night of uninterupted sleep was pure bliss. My wee trip away gave me the space to just be at a time when I really needed it.

Patience!

Yesterday morning I phoned my gyno's surgery in an attempt to track down my elusive blood tests results from last Friday. They were there except for the day two FSH results which were the ones I'm after. The receptionist wasn't able to offer any kind of an interpretation and said my gyno was too busy (probably) to call me yesterday about them. (which he didn't).

So next week I will have another go phoning my Dr. Clearly I am not meant to know these results right now - no matter how infuriating that is!!

I guess I've been really pushing to get the results that I think will give me some kind of a conclusion. I've decided that another baby probably isn't going to happen and I just want the medical evidence to prove it.

Ovulation could/should happen early next week so it's close to baby-making time now. So I have to push all my negative or even warranted thoughts away about me not being able to conceive for now, and act as if I believe a pregnancy is possible. It is so hard living in conflict with myself around SIF all the time: having hope versus no hope is the main battle I have constantly.

God will reveal what's going on in His own time. For now it looks as though I'm meant to just keep plodding on with TTC. It would be a small miracle at this point in time if I even ovulated and I would be pretty happy if that happened! That is afterall the big missing piece from my SIF puzzle.

I had a lovely visit out to my Mum's (holiday) home twenty minutes from here with my daughter yesterday. We hung out on the beach and soaked in the sunshine on yet another gorgeous Winter's sunny day. The whole SIF deal never came up which I was relieved about as the day before had been so intense; I just really needed to push it out of my mind for a bit. I went to Bodyjam last night which was great as usual. However, SIF is very much with me when I'm at home. It is a continual challenge to Let go and Let God with it.

Midday today I'm away with three friends to Blenheim (a couple of hours from here) for a night. I'm looking forward to it. It will be good for me to have a change of scene and will give me a chance to put SIF back into perspective again. (I hope).

At the end of my tether

Yesterday was a very hard day. I have felt quite emotional on Clomid this time round. I decided to call my Dr to get my blood results from last Friday. They were meant to be sent out to me, but weren't. Anyway, the receptionist said she'd get the nurse to call me back, which she did, but she didn't know how to interpret my results. She said there was a note or something saying the results confirmed my "ovaries are not doing their thing." Then she said she'd have to get a Dr to call me back.

What the fuck??!! How dare she deliver me half-news like that over the phone in a completely unprofessional manner. I have been beside myself with fear, worry and enormous grief. I am absolutely devastated right now as I fear the results are not far away that will reveal what is actually going on with me. I fear my personal diagnosis of premature menopause/perimenopause is spot-on.

My Dr is away so another one is meant to phone me this week. I shan't hold my breath! Instead I will try my gyno's surgery this morning where I asked a copy of the blood tests to also go and see if I can get some sense out of them. If not, I will have to wait til next week to talk to my actual Dr.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I have been begging with God to stop this. I don't want to waste any more time in infertile suspense. I cried so much yesterday that my eyes hurt today. If this really is the end of the road for me (like it truly feels it is), why can't I just frickin' know this for sure? Why God, why can't you show me for once and for all what is going on?

I feel numb today but yesterday it was very much like I was grieving a death. I so don't want it to be the case that this is it for me but if it is, I'd rather just know.

The Bell Jar of Infertility

I had a lovely day yesterday hanging with a MOO friend and our daughters. We went to the pottery gallery/ceramics studio/cafe where I work on Sundays. There is a huge area out the back which kids love that has swings, a tractor to play on, hills to roll down, a pig to pat and lots of room to run. My daughter had a ball - she was out there kicking a ball around with some older boys and at one time was roaming round with a cricket bat!! It was a gorgeous day and I really lapped up the sunshine. It was pretty mild for a Winter's day. We had lunch there as well and then afterwards all had a go at painting some ceramics - a wee bit of a challenge with three year olds but they had fun!

I gave my MOO friend an update around where things were at with SIF. She in return shared that she's started TTC her second child. I sincerely hope she does get pregnant easily, I really do. When the average woman decides to TTC there is the expectation that things should be fine - especially in the case of a the second time round when there were no problems with conceiving the first time. So I am peeved at my situation (as always!) - that there is a frickin' problem. Lots of them! So already I'm jealous that my MOO friend is fertile (as far as she knows right now) - and I'm not. Yet I do hold out some hope that we might fall pregnant around the same time. Our antenatal class peers have all had their second children and the other MOOs aren't having any more children so we are the last two left TTC.

I mentioned to this friend how I'd cut down on Playgroup as it was too hard for me to be around bumps and newborns too many times in a week. I'm not sure how we'll go if/when she gets pregnant. After the recent fall-out with a MOT-to-be friend, I am going to have to be a lot more open and honest from the start - and clear about any boundaries that I need to put in place.

Even though I had a great outing yesterday I came home and felt the SIF blues flooding in once again. I had a wee cry as I did the dishes and listened to some spiritual music. Then I went and did a Bodycombat class which always helps. But I feel like shite again this morning. I'm pretty sure I have felt more affected by the Clomid this cycle than the other two. I hope that means the bloody pills are working!!

For me some aspects of SIF get harder the further time ticks on. My coping skills are improving (albeit slowly!) but I feel like I am dragging a lot of SIF baggage around with me. This has all been a huge lesson for me in learning how to manage an assortment of volatile emotions. It seems the reason why SIF feels like it consumes so much of my time and energy is because I am constantly having to work to keep myself afloat. Remarkably there are periods of time in which I experience peace, contentment and even joy. But the overall feeling is still one of feeling very weighed down. It's kind of like being in The Bell Jar of Infertility.

In Sylvia Plath's semi-autobiographical novel The Bell Jar, depression is decribed as feeling like being trapped under a bell jar, struggling for breath. SIF is like that a lot for me. I try so hard to just carry on with my life, but I always get sucked back in. I did think I could carry on as if another baby wasn't coming but as along as I am TTC/TTO I am stuck in a time-warp. It's just the way it is. So I've accepted this is my life for now and will continue to enjoy the things I set up to help me cope such as the gym and working on Sundays. I cannot look at the bigger picture while I'm here. I can make short-term plans and goals but until a conclusion is reached, the future (our future as a family) is affected.

I worry too much, oh boy do I know that. And I feel guilty. Sooooo guilty that now it's coming up to two years (in September) of living "like this" - in limbo, desperation and on the edge of a broken dream. I have put our family life in standstill mode as I continue to hold out hope that another baby should be blessed to us. I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take/my family can take. I hope like hell that it's all going to be over soon - whatever the outcome.

A few tweaks to the shopping list

I went food shopping yesterday and made a few adjustments to my shopping list. I bought wholegrain bread, basmati rice, vanilla icecream instead of low-fat yoghurt (as I couldn't see a high-fat yoghurt) and kumaras. This is all in an attempt to introduce more foods with a Low GI into my diet, and to increase my intake of high-fats in dairy food as per the suggestions in The Fertility Diet and general reproductive diet advice. I've also started back on multi-vitamins. I have been taking a prenatal vitamin all along.

I feel kind of mixed about these dietary changes. On one hand it's nice to think that I could help induce ovulation in my egg-release-challenged body. On the other hand, it feels like I'm grasping at straws and I feel a little bit nutty. I mean I am now going to put icecream in my daily spirulana smoothie instead of low-fat yoghurt. Not that I'm not going to enjoy that, of course!

It is interesting though that for well over a year and a half, even more, I've had low fat yoghurt pretty much every day in my mid-morning smoothie and pototoes in just about every evening meal. This was all part of a what I thought was a healthy dietary change made after my Dec '06 chemical pregnancy yet ironically it's perhaps not helped my ovulation issues. So we shall see, I feel sometimes as if living with SIF is like being part of an equipment where the outcome is totally unpredictable. So this tweaking of my diet is just another form of SIF experimentation. It is all part of the madness.

I've not convinced myself about the theory around some plastic water bottles being linked to infertility. But hey, while I'm making some dietary changes, I thought I'd investigate that further. The article Water bottles and Bisphenol A explains this further. Toxins and Fertility
if you are interested, is a comprehensive article outlining all the environmental toxins that are believed to affect fertility. It's taking it a bit far as far as I'm concerned although it does actually make sense that all the chemicals around us in modern life could be impacting our fertility. For now I am still drinking water out of a plastic Pump bottle (like I was years before I conceived my daughter) and the dietary changes I've made this week are enough for now.

I've felt quite moody the last couple of days. Probably no more than usual. But I took my last Clomid pill last night - so that's round three finished. Who knows if Clomid has much of an affect on me - I am so all over the place most of the time that really it's hard to tell! My fingers are crossed that I will ovulate next week!

How far do I take it?

Yesterday I condensed one of the folders I have that contains my TTC/infertility paperwork. I consulted with a herbalist just before I conceived my daughter as I had had very heavy periods that often resulted in black-outs for a while. No-one (including my GP, a gyno and the herbalist) ever figured out what that was about as I didn't quite fit the box for endometriosis. (I personally think there could be a connection between three or so years of painful periods and the loss of my ovary when my daughter was delivered. No one has made this link.)

At the same time I was seeking help for my heavy periods, I mentioned I wanted to TTC and my herbalist at the time gave me a wad of information that was essentially a diet for reproductive health. However I never used it as I fell pregnant easily and the consults with the herbalist ended.

A lot of the information provided by this herbalist over four years ago is very similar to that identifed in The Fertility Diet. (as per yesterday's post). Some of it is from author Francesa Naish who goes even further to claim that the modern environment affects fertility. There is a segment about radiation which covers radiation protection during an x-ray, radiation protection for flying, radiation protection for mobile phone and long range cordless users, radiation protection for computer users, and avoidance of electromagnetic radiation. It is mind-blowing!

I dunno, although I would do almost anything to have another baby, I cannot afford to get too obsessed about this. I don't want to become Michael Jackson-like walking around in fear that a lot of the aspects of my everyday life could affect my fertility. It's kind of a case of take what you like and leave the rest. There is so much advice and help out there around infertility. That is both a blessing and a curse. At least it gives us infertiles some hope that a method may work for us - be it herbal or a form of fertility treatment. However reading too much into things can result in overwhelm and confusion.

At the end of the day, it is God who is going to determine whether or not I become a mother for the second time. No amount of herbs, fertility treatments, exercise, positive thinking, and praying is going to change that. Sure, I can do the footwork and obviously need some help with my fertility right now. However, I just have to trust that all is unfolding as it is meant to.

The food factor and infertility

At the Fertility Associates seminar last week it was pointed out that a diet without too much caffeine, or alcohol was the best way to go when TTC. Also smoking was mentioned as a big no-no. I had heard (all that) before and can tick all three boxes there - I have never smoked, currently don't drink caffeine and barely drink alcohol. Yet has this made a difference to my fertility? Nope.

I stopped having caffeine after my chemical pregnancy in December 2006. The thing is I had been drinking a lot of tea around that time and was afraid that had contributed to my loss. So I haven't had caffeine since. I also cut down on sugary food almost overnight. I was really afraid for any future pregnancies and decided to clean up my act. No pregnancies have occurred since this overhaul, but I have never felt so good physically with such a healthy diet. So it certainly wasn't a bad thing to do at all.

But I have been wondering lately if some factors in my diet could still be influencing my lack of ovulation/infertility. I have had this link on my blog for months, but haven't thought about it greatly - The Fertility Diet. It's a study with some interesting findings of how diet, exercise and weight control affect fertility. (Thanks Nancy311 for the info you also sent me about this). Read Fat, Carbs and the Science of Conception for a detailed account of the same study. It is particularly promising for women with ovulation issues like myself, claiming to turn infertility around quite dramatically. Well, anything's worth a go isn't it. Especially when you are as desperate as I am within SIF!

The main points made are:

Avoiding trans fats

Using more unsaturated vegetable oils, such as olive and canola oils. This also includes avocados, pumpkin and nuts

Eating more vegetable protein, like beans, peas, tofu and soybeans

Choosing whole grains

Drinking water

Taking a multivitamin

Eating iron-rich foods, such as vegetables and beans

Aiming for a healthy weight. Women who are overweight should lose between 5 and 10 percent of their weight. If too lean, possibly gaining 5 to 20 pounds can restart ovulation

Starting a daily exercise plan.

The study found a connection between carbohydrates and high insulin levels, so highly refined carbohydrates, such as potatoes, are not suggested. So the changes I'm going to make as a result of reading this study again include cutting down on potato consumption, and eating more proteins particularly in beans and nuts. Although I have yoghurt in my smoothie every morning, and typically a slice of cheese every lunchtime in a sandwich, I am also going to have either a glass of milk or an icecream a day. I also lost a few kgs after my recent op and am slowly putting weight back on. It's a good thing, as I know I was too skinny (for me) for a couple of months.

A part of me thinks, hey I concieved four years ago and held the baby to term, with a much worse diet than I have now! But then four years ago I had regular, text-book cycles didn't I. My body is clearly quite different and imbalanced hormonally whatever way you look at it. And with the big 4-0 approaching fast next month, the sound of my biological clock ticking loudly (and frantically) is almost deafening!

Don't dream it's over

I've heard Don't dream it's over by Crowded House a couple of times over the last week or so. It instills a wee bit of hope every time I hear it that perhaps there is a chance that another baby could come along for us. I've realised that I have been afraid to indulge in my baby dreams and hopes for a while and so have consequently pushed any positive thoughts aside, for fear of misleading myself. But I'm currently in this space of just going with my feelings. SIF is full of ups and downs. Of course I'll probably feel optimistic when a treatment starts, and defeated when it fails. It's all part of it. I guess for a while I've been trying to control my emotions so I didn't have such extreme ups and downs. But I've had to accept, all over again, that the highs and lows are part of the deal.

So at the moment I do feel hopeful, and optimistic and have even allowed myself to think about a baby in our future. It's all part of me learning not to be so black and white around SIF and to just go with the flow a little more. I started round three of Clomid of yesterday and you just never know - I might actually ovulate!

I went and had several blood tests yesterday and will get the results next week sometime. I was proud to have initiated those and it will be interesting to see what they reveal.

Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I popped in on the MOT-to-be neighbour that is experiencing severe morning sickness. When we dropped by she was in her PJs on the couch and friends were looking after her daughter. She seems lovely. We had a wee ten minute chat and I said we'd pop back next week and then the girls could meet each other. I offered to take her daughter to our place sometime soon, all going well. It was quite interesting actually to observe my reaction around this MOT-to-be. I guess because she is so obviously going through hell, it wasn't hard to sympathise with her at all.

When she asked me the other children question I just said straight up that I was going through secondary infertility. She understood immediately what that translated to so we were able to have a small discussion about TTC and IF. Amazing for me who is usually too riddled with resentment to share about SIF with a MOT or MOT-to-be. This week has been one of spiritual healing, I really believe. It has been such a quiet week - just me and my daughter mainly so I have had opportunites to just be, instead of racing around here and there. I know another wee shift within SIF has occurred for me. I certainly feel more at peace with things right now.

I have been a bit vague about SIF out there for a while. Perhaps I didn't want to draw attention to my own infertility so offered responses such as "I hope to have another one one day" whenever I was asked if I was either having any more children. Yet as I have discussed with a few SIs, part of being a SI is educating others about SIF. So from now on I'm just going to tell it like it is - if asked and it's appropriate, of course.

There is room for optimism

Well the Provera worked, AF arrived on day nine of my ten-day prescription. (yesterday). So today I can start Round Three of Clomid!

I made an appointment with my GP yesterday (well, she wasn't available so I saw another Dr). Anyway, I went in and talked about how I wanted to be supported with all the appropriate blood tests from here on in within my cycles. Concidentally she was the only Dr that went to the seminar Fertility Associates held on Wednesday night that I went to. So she understood exactly where I was coming from.

I went into that appointment yesterday feeling quite defeated yet, realistic (I thought) about the chances of being able to conceive again - as in, most unlikely. The Dr said she was a realist but in my situation there was room for optimism. She said she couldn't/didn't say that to all patients. She empathised this point a couple of times. She even said "Perhaps in a years time you'll be back here with a baby." Hmmm, I haven't been allowing myself to dream so much these days. So yeah, I know, I haven't been feeling very positive at all around TTC lately. I find it so very hard to find a comfortable place to sit with all this - do I give myself what feels like false hope or do I accept that it just probably isn't going to happen? I continue to struggle with accepting that Gods will could go either way. I am stuck in my black and white thinking most of the time.

I do think I am realistic in thinking that my time is nearing the end with SIF. I give it around six months. It's just based on a feeling and also the fact that after round three of Clomid, I only get another three goes. IVF seems to be the next option and I am continuing to keep an open mind around that despite the obvious lack of funds. Perhaps I should start buying lotto tickets! ;)

I feel like I've gained a small amount of power back within SIF by calling the shots around the blood tests that I think I should be having. I will make an appointment with my gyno should Round three of Clomid fail as I need to check in with him in person - rather than via letter which seems to be his style of communicating or through his receptionist. I may make an appointment with Fertility Associates within the next couple of months if I'm not happy with my gyno's "plans" for me. They have assured me they can take things to the next level, at a hastier pace. Once again it's a matter of funds. That's why I've decided to track my cycles myself as at this point that is all they would be doing anyway.

In a wierd way I feel a bit detached from SIF at the moment. I say wierd because normally I am living and breathing the bastard!! I guess I have been walking around with so much anger for so long and I have given myself some space to just be and accept my somewhat volatile feelings. It has helped. I have in fact had a lovely week with my daughter. It has just been her and I all week except for yesterday when we went to Playgroup. I've taken her to playgrounds, for walks, and on the usual errand runs like to the supermarket, vet for cat food etc so she hasn't been deprived completely of social interaction. She had a ball at Playgroup actually as I think going just once a week is better for her too. I have really enjoyed it being just the two of us.

I talked to the teacher who runs Playgroup about my neighbour (who I don't know) who is experiencing severe morning sickness with her second child. So severe, that she has bouts in hospital. I said I'd pop around sometime soon and see if I could help. Whether I can do anything or not, I'm not sure. But I could possibly look after her daughter. It is ironic isn't it, that a neighbour who is pregnant with her second child, needs support from whoever can give it right now. Perhaps it's an opportunity for me to make amends for all the hostile feelings I've had towards MOTs and MOTs-to-be all these months.

Giving myself some space from MOTs this week (during the school holidays) was the best thing I could do as I have been able to connect with my anger on a deeper level rather than just thinking it's all about being resentful towards MOTs and MOTs-to-be all the time. Although I am admittedly insanely jealous most of the time of each and every MOT that crosses my path; I am in fact mainly angry about my body failing to do what it should be doing.

I have decided to just be gentle with myself at this time. I don't need to push to prove myself out there at this point in time. I need to be nurtured so that is what I am going to do. I've also been decluttering the house a bit which always feels good. I have binned a lot of the parent centre newsletters I have. I only kept them because I wrote a column for a couple of years with them. (just resigned a couple of weeks ago). It is cleansing throwing out this stuff from a bygone era - the baby days.

I have some fun stuff planned for the weekend. Yes, fun!! Tonight I'm taking a friend to Bodyjam and then we're going to catch-up afterwards. And tomorrow night I'm going to see Mamma Mia with another friend also followed by a catch-up.

Nothing like a reality check

Well I went to the free fertility information evening taken by Fertility Associates last night. It has to be one of the strangest social experiences I have ever had. I walked into the Rutherford Hotel here in Nelson and wondered what all the other infertiles were going to look like - broken or hopeful, tired or energerised (by new possibilites)? Of course they were just regular men and women and infertile was not stamped across their faces like I often feel it is on mine.

I suspected I might be one of the few experiencing SIF and as soon as I walked into the room I wanted to bail! I felt like my infertility was exposed for the world to see - or at least, twenty/twenty five people and I did not like it. To have a blog about SIF is one thing, but to be exposed like that was not fun at all. Although I felt like a hypocrite turning off my mobile phone as the screen-saver photo of my daughter flashed before my eyes, I wanted to simultaneously scream "I've had one child! I wasn't infertile once!!" It goes to show there is a part of me that is ashamed of my SIF status. I so hate that my body has given up the ghost on me. It's like my mind yearns for a baby, but my body has closed shop - perhaps for good.

The seminar was informative and was taken by the gyno/reproductive medicine subspecialist from the Wellington branch of Fertility Associates. It is a North Island company and they are taking appointments in Nelson for the first time as of August. The idea is Fertility Associates will hold once-a-month clinics here in Nelson and all the bloods/ultrasounds/surgeries will be done here but those being treated for IVF will have to travel to Wellington for part of the treatment - to begin with, at least.

I had actually come across this company during one of my internet searches but didn't think at that time I wanted to look into it much further. It wasn't until a MOT at an antenatal class catch-up the other week mentioned them and then I saw the ad for the free seminar in the paper, that I thought perhaps it was worthwhile checking them out. There is a South Island company in Christchurch - The Fertility Centre as well which pretty much offers the same services. Interestingly, public funding is only available through The Fertility Centre, and not Fertility Associates for Nelson patients.

I knew a lot of what was covered in the seminar as I am a rather obsessive SI and have searched the internet way too much along the way. However I gained a greater understanding of IVF and got some confirmation around what I need to do around my ovulation problems. I wanted to burst into tears a couple of times and when I occasionally looked around the room, my fellow infertiles looked like they had their emotions in check. It certainly wasn't an infertile bonding experience. It was basically just about getting the cold, hard facts. But there were a few laughs as the gyno/reproductive medicine subspecialist who took the seminar tried to keep things light.

I had a wee chat with the guy after the seminar about where I was at. He made a comment that provincial towns seem to lack the speed and the expertise around treating infertility (as I suspected) meaning often one is left in limbo like I have been. He also indicated that IVF might be the next step for me (if Clomid fails). That thought offers both comfort and dread as we do not have the money for IVF. I cannot see how that could work out for us. I said I just really wanted to know whether or not I was in early menopause - to get me out of my misery, as such. At the initial consultation with Fertility Associates (which is NZ$190) they ask you to bring along the results for a day two FSH test and a day 21 progesterone test. In a nutshell those tests can reveal a lot about ovulation, hormones and egg quality.

What I've decided is I'm going to have to be a lot more proactive with my SIF battle. All along my blood tests have been taken irregularly. My feeling is I should have been monitored a lot more closely. I am scared shitless as I might be close to finding out the truth about menopause or no menopause. But I need to know. So I am going to phone my GP this morning and see if I can get her on side. She's pretty good, so I hope she will support me in getting those blood tests taken every cycle from here on in.

I feel quite stirred up by it all at the moment - in a shit-I've-missed-the-boat kind of a way. During the seminar last night it was pointed out several times about how a woman's fertility drops, the older she gets. One of the slides even read DON'T LEAVE IT TOO LATE! Yeah, cheers for the reminder but us infertiles who are around the forty mark are only well aware that we're in with a very small chance. No need to rub it in, now is there! There were loads of stats on the overheads too and I closed my mind to those. I am depressed enough about things without telling myself I've got a thirty percent chance of conceiving or whatever. I don't even have a chance at conceiving right now do I given that I'm still not ovulating. Sigh.

I have been wondering if I have just been deluded for the last 21 months. What was I thinking TTC given I have one ovary, I'm not ovulating and I'm forty next month?! I think wishful thinking, hope and denial have kept me going throughout my SIF experience. But I'm now at the point where reality has cancelled out all my hopes and dreams of having another baby. It really feels like it is impossible at this point and that I have been kidding myself all this time. Yet I still can't let go (silly cow!) I have to let this SIF tragedy play itself out to the bitter end.

Self-love and acceptance

There are different levels of acceptance in the SIF game. There is the acceptance that this is happening, the acceptance of where I'm at with SIF and the acceptance that others around me are supporting me in the best way they can right now.

Today I am all about accepting me and where I'm at with SIF. I realised yesterday that I fight with myself a lot within SIF. I don't like feeling angry/hopeless/jealous/hurt (and the rest!) a lot of the time. But I've decided it's all part of being an SI. Sometimes I will feel all these painful feelings and often all at once. All I can do is love myself back to a place of peace and serenity - I'll get there eventually, even if it isn't for long. The point is SIF is an emotional roller-coaster and the ups and downs are just part of the ride. As long as I'm an SI, I'm afraid the unfavourable feelings will flare up and I am still learning how to manage them.

Yesterday I accepted my shitty SIF-self on a deep level. After days of feeling riddled with these somewhat hostile feelings, I decided if that was how I was feeling, that was how I was feeling. It was both freeing and empowering to give myself that self-acceptance. I went to Bodybalance (Yoga/Pilates class) last night and came back feeling so much lighter. I watched a bit of tele with my husband last night, nestled up to him on the couch and had a pretty good nights sleep. I woke up in a state of peace and was almost smiling! I have peace in my heart today!

A lot of me fighting the way I've been feeling around SIF has been about people-pleasing. I wanted to be a better mother/wife/friend etc so I thought it was best for all concerned if I just swallowed my pride and carried on with it. But I would keep getting sucked back into SIF; my feelings more intense each time I rebelled from what I was really feeling.

Simply put, feelings ones feelings works. Dwelling isn't good of course, and there is a fine line between feeling and dwelling - that is up to the individual and not outsiders to judge.

So I feel like I am okay with me again. I am going through one of the crappiest times of my life so excuse me if I am a SI bitch every now and then. But I am doing the best I can.

I think I thought I would eventually reach some Buddha-like state where I could look at MOTs and bumps and newborns and smile both inwardly and out, with pure peace emnanting from my heart. Ah...not so! I have felt like crap that the resentments and anger towards MOTs continue to be part of my SIF make-up. I am just where I'm at. I'm not perfect yet I am willing to learn from all this and that's got to account for something. I am going to work the twelve steps around infertility and will post about that when I've completed them (could be a couple of months away).

Having self-love at this time with where I'm at has meant I've been able to think about those around me in my SIF battle, and what I do and don't want for support. The truth of the matter is I am actually receiving all the support I need and want if I look closely enough. My husband may not be able to talk about SIF on a deep emotional level, but he is my rock, quietly accepting my SIF pain whether I choose to share about it or not. Every person who crosses my path offers support in their own individual way. It isn't possible for everyone to hear about SIF, nor is it possible for me to share about it (for whatever reasons) with all and sundry.

I may have chosen to distance myself from some MOT friends right now but the majority wouldn't be aware of this conscious distancing as they are the type of friends I see every now and then. I was able to share quite deeply with a good friend yesterday about SIF and that certainly helped me with my self-acceptance because she accepted me with where I'm at, without trying to fix a situation she cannot identify with.

This self-acceptance around my feelings frees me up to carry on with my day. I am in a new phase of SIF (again!) - this one is about putting me first. If I need to go to the gym four or five days a week, I will go. If I need to not see MOTs so much, then I will give myself the space I need. Self-love equates to self-healing and that's got to be a good thing.

MOTs aren't the enemy!

I had a lovely walk with my daughter yesterday after several days of feeling like a walking time-bomb. My head has been working overtime around all this SIF crap, so it was a relief to get outside on a sunny Winters day and to get some fresh air. Feeling revived, on our way down our driveway I saw the teacher that runs Playgroup at one of our neighbours homes. She said she was there helping out a MOT who had very bad morning sickness - basically she was unable to move to look after her toddler.

When I heard that I automatically thought " Not another pregnancy story" followed by a genuine heart-felt "Oh the poor woman, that must be hell." I don't know this neighbour, but I was able to feel some compassion for her. That is always a relief - when I can feel compassion around MOTs and MOTs-to-be as most of the time all I feel is pure jealousy and resentment.

I know parenting more than one child isn't easy. Nor is it easy being pregnant when you have a child or children to parent. I have never stopped caring about the friends that fall into this category - I have just been too overwhelmed by my own stuff to be able to separate friends from their MOT status.

When I see my MOT friends in my mind as friends first, MOTs second, I get things in perspective. When I do that I know that they are more than women who have what I want and I fear I might not be getting. I have some good MOT friends who I haven't reached out to much and have distanced myself from. A couple of them have had their own infertility tragedies along the way. But the fact they have their complete families, growing up before their eyes is often too much for me. I cannot often get past my own jealousy.

But I do need to respect my need for space from MOTs from time to time. It seems I'm going through one of these phases at this time. It's school holidays here in New Zealand which is always a relief for this SI. It means my daughters groups aren't on, except for Playgroup, so we just do our own thing. For a couple of weeks I get to choose totally who we socialise with. I have only booked up one playdate this week - on Thursday with my daughter's friend from up the road. I'm looking forward to looking after the two of them again like I did last week. But apart from that, our week is unplanned and we're just going to go with the flow.

I've decided all in all my daughter is socialised really well and I don't have to put myself into situations that are going to cause me angst when I'm not in such a good space. So what if we have a couple of days in a row without seeing other children. She's okay, she's happy. It's only me projecting thoughts of her loneliness half the time on to her that cause me to perhaps overbook her week socially some weeks. Like last week I organised four playdates - two of them were with her friend up the road and they went well. But she wasn't interested in playing with the other two preschoolers on their respective playdates. All along I have known that my daughter enjoys quite a bit of time to herself or at home mooching around with me. The truth is, she'll be fine I think if she remains an only child.

Having another sibling for my daughter would perhaps make life easier for me, I suppose as I am one of her main playmates and that is hard sometimes. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy doing the kiddy stuff. But us adults don't play like children do. It's when I see my daughter clicking with another child or running around with a group of preschoolers and having a great time that my heart sinks and I wish she had that in her life on a more permanent basis.

So MOTs aren't the enemy. I know a lot of good MOTs aren't there. I just can't appreciate them or see them for who they are completely right now. My MOT envy has distorted my perception of them. But at least I know this much.

I talked to a friend going through primary infertility last night. It was good to have a wee chat and I was able to put it out there that talking to me about stuff must be hard given I am a Mum already. So I do get she needs space from me sometimes.

Pre-SIF days, I used to feel so helpless and useless as I watched friends going through IF on the sidelines. But I do get now that they let me in as much as they were able to. I think in many cases IF will cause some distance between the women experiencing it and her friends and family. It isn't easy watching someone you care about going through a crisis but that's life unfortuately. Sometimes we lose those we love to tragedy and all we can do is let go of them and let them know we are here and hope that one day they will return to us.

My gut feeling

I guess the reason I've been a SIF bitch lately (sorry Nancy311, I know you hate this term!), is because of my gut feeling around having another baby - I don't think it's going to happen. This isn't because I'm being pessimistic; it's because I'm being real. (I think). Right from the start, three and a quarter years ago when my daughter was delivered, I lost an ovary, and was warned I could enter early menopause and that has been hovering over me ever since, but especially so since TTC.

I wish I could just give up then if this is the way I feel. But there must be a small (very small) ounce of hope there for me to continue on what seems like a hopeless quest most of the time. I guess I will keep going til God makes it extremely obvious that the end of the road has been reached. I just hope that is sooner rather than later as this whole TTC deal is getting rather old.

SIF has become a big part of my identity and I don't like it. I'm pretty sure I have been changed as a result of SIF - and not in a good way. I am much more short-tempered, sensitive and emotional than I usually am. Sure I've always been wired that way; but it's like those qualities about me have been exaggerated. It's kind of like having permanent PMS - not good for those in the firing line, I tell you!

Yet thankfully I have my Sunday job and the gym to go to. So for a few short bursts during my week I am more than just a SIF bitch. It has been really good for me to be in these environments that are out of the Mummy circles and family life. It means I am reminded that I do have positive qualities that are given a chance to shine while SIF is pushed to one side, if only for a few hours here and there. I am focused/fun/up for a challenge in these roles. I can connect with members of the public/gym members from a place other than my SIF bleeding heart - and people like that side of me. I like that side of me.

I truly feel a bit like Jekyll and Hyde a lot the time; as do those close to me, I'm sure. But I'm really just doing the best I can with where I'm at with SIF right now. From what I've gathered about talking to other SIs, when you are in dire straits with SIF, it is so very hard to manage the turbulent feelings that come up. I'm not making excuses as I am well aware of my behaviour. That's the thing, I feel like I'm always having to pull myself back from reacting to stuff that triggers me around SIF. I'm kind of like a terrier on a very short lead - I cannot be trusted, even from myself!

I was able to talk with a SI I know in person yesterday. I am not going to say much more about that as I am trying to ensure the anonymity of those I know is respected in this blog. But there is nothing like being able to exchange the woes of SIF with another SI though I sure wish this member didn't have to recently be added to the SIF club. No-one deserves to be in this hell-hole.

I am not sure how to share my SIF story when relationships with MOTs etc are a big part of it all. I appreciate I have crossed the line with that before. I even tried searching the etiquette of blogs and did find a post that said not to blog about anything that could cause you to lose a relationship. Shit. I did that didn't I. I was only trying to illustrate how difficult relationships/friendships can be for the SI.

SIF is one big shitty state of affairs. There are so many layers to it all. My stuff (as in emotional stuff), the biological/infertile aspects, relationships with others, and the spiritual wrestling matches with God. No wonder at this point I feel as though I need several weeks holiday on a tropical island with massages every day!

Infertility and the twelve steps

I found this article tonight about infertility and the twelve steps. I have been considering applying the twelve steps to SIF, since I'm familar with them. I've just printed the article out and will have a proper read of it later. Just thought it might be of interest. I'm off to watch Scooby Doo on TV with hubby now.

The lonely road of the SI

My experience has been that tragedy can either bring us closer to those we love; or drive us further apart. Unfortunately SIF has driven a big ugly wedge between me and just about everyone I care about. With some relationships the affect SIF has had is so very subtle; others painfully obvious.

Actually, I feel some relief at letting go of a friendship for now that couldn't survive SIF. I tried my hardest, but I just could not meet the friendship needs this MOT-to-be friend had and she could not accept my often poor attempts at setting boundaries around pregnancy talk. It is so very, very sad. But also not that surprising that things got as bad as they did as I do not know how former close friends with the dynamic of the pregnant woman and infertile manage to hang in there.

I know this is going to sound one-sided but I do personally think in this situation the SI should be given some slack. If she's telling you she can't handle the pregnancy talk - she can't handle it! Obviously she feels bad and so very selfish that she cannot support you during your pregnancy right now, but she has way too much on her plate to play the nurturing friend.

Relationships are of course made up of give and take. But life happens, and sometimes you gotta give people a bit of slack. I think in the case of the pregnant friend/infertile it should be the right of the infertile to call the shots. It's just part of the whole infertility deal. Only the infertile is able to express what it feels like to be in her shoes and she is communicating the best way possible, even if it is often in a clumsy, illogical manner.

My MOT friend down the road whose Mum is dying is the kind of friend I am giving a lot of slack to right now. I want to do everything I can to do to help. Of course there actually isn't much I can do - but looking after her daughter is my way of reaching out. She knows this and is very appreciative. I don't expect her to check in with me around SIF as she has enough going on. All I wanted from the MOT-to-be was some respect that I couldn't handle the pregnancy talk or disclose much at all about SIF at this time to her. That was it.

I am hurt but at the same time think God is really pushing me at this time to reach deep within and to let Him in. He is the only one who can heal me at this time - not my friends, not my husband, nor even fellow SIs. Sure comfort can be gained especially from sharing with fellow SIs around where we are at. But the ultimate pain of SIF is a personal hell that is experienced alone, and it is up to the SI to hold on tight to God with both hands.

Yesterday at Music the MOT who a week ago asked how I was and got back that I was devastated with SIF, told me she wasn't available for a catch-up in the school holidays. (which started yesterday here). Last week she was all like "we'll catch up, come round" etc but I got the strong feeling she is very uncomfortable with my wounded SIF self. I cannot seem to win within friendships. The few times I am brave enough to open up don't always result in a listening ear on the other end. Not for long, anyway. And the one of the few friends who continously tried to understand SIF has now left my life, even if it is only temporary because I could not open up to her given her MOT-to-be status. It was a mutual agreement that we give each other some space for a bit.

I feel so incredibly alone right now. But I'm strangely okay as it feels like it is all part of Gods plan. I've been here before during another personal tragedy in my life. I know these times of aloneness are opportunities to connect with God on a very deep level. That said, I still do need the support of those out there who are able to give it. All I want is for people to accept where I'm at. That's it. Not one single person can take away the pain of SIF and I don't expect that. But if you read this blog, don't feel shy about posting me a comment (you can be anonymous!). I guess I just need to know that I still have some support out there despite my SIF bitch status of late.

I'm a SIF bitch

I really feel the conclusion to my SIF experience is drawing near. And I am shit-scared.

Even though I have handed my baby dreams over to God, I am operating in constant turmoil. As I draw closer to getting some "answers", my SIF stuff is right up there. I guess it's because I cannot see how God can make this work for me. I may have handed over my baby dreams; but I don't have a lot of faith that God will come through for me. As a consequence I am reeling as what feels like a death sentence looms closer.

My exposure to MOTS is causing me more grief than ever. I cannot handle MOTs-to-be at all right now and have possibly lost what was once a close MOT-to-be friend because of my inability to manage my emotions when in contact with her.

No longer will I be referring to the friends I used to in this blog as friends no.1, no.2, no.3 and no. 4 as it has been pointed out that it wasn't appropriate. I guess I knew that but just wanted to express how SIF affects relationships. If I need to share about about my friendships, I will do so as generally as I possibly can.

I have reached a point where I officially feel like a SIF bitch. I'm going to have to find a way to trust in God or else I feel I am really going to lose it. This is so hard. I feel like I am bracing myself for some very painful news that I on one hand want to hear, and on the other hand don't. A few more months of living in TTC denial might be easier than finding out the truth.

A MOT for a day

I've looked after my MOT neighbours three year old alongside my daughter twice this week. Monday they had a playdate that lasted around two and a half hours. It went really well as the girls hadn't seen each other for around a month and they had a ball. Yesterday I picked up my daughters friend as it was pouring with rain, and took them both to Playgroup. We stayed for about an hour and a half and then hung around here for another three hours. It felt good to be able to help out my MOT friend who is going through a devastating time looking after her terminally ill mother. I also enjoyed it. It just feels so natural, so right.

I cannot explain what it is exactly, but whenever I am in sole charge of two children, whether it be a minute or two, or a few hours, I feel so at peace. It's like a part of me is satisfied briefly with two kids under my wings. Like yesterday I loved driving the two girls to Playgroup and back and supervising them both at Playgroup. I enjoyed getting lunch for the two girls and watching them sitting down together to eat it.

It's not all a bed of roses of course looking after two children. But it does give me an insight into what I'm missing as a wannabe MOT and confirmation that this is what I want for our family. Two preschoolers play with each other quite well. They still need guidance from time to time, reassurance from their care-giver and space from one another. So although it was a break on one hand having two children in the house as they could entertain each other, it was still tiring as they did have their moments of disagreeing on what song to listen to, fighting over toys, and just wanting to do their own thing.

I have been a "pretend" MOT before. I nannied for a couple of years in Vancouver for a family of four. The boy was four years old, the girl eight months old when I started looking after them. I've nannied for other families too and have been a camp counsellor for two Summers in the USA. I've also got a degree in Psychology and Education. Where I'm going with this is I feel my CV is well and truly sufficient for MOT status. Every now and then it feels like I have to prove to both myself and God, that I am a worthy MOT candidate. Somehow as a SI it feels as though I have to try a little harder.

Friend no.2's third IVF failed. I am so devastated for her - and scared. It is so not fair. She doesn't deserve this. I am praying for a small miracle for her at this time.

One procedure at a time

Every now and then I get asked about IVF. I guess it's kind of a natural (?) question to ask an infertile. Obviously what we've been trying up to this point hasn't worked, and IVF is often the last fertility treatment left to try.

Where I'm at is I can't look too far ahead in the SIF game. I'm on stand-by for round three of Clomid after the Provera I'm on (hopefully) results in AF coming. I'm aware that it is recommended that you only take six rounds of Clomid so I'm almost half-way through my quota, and the first two rounds didn't result in ovulation.

IVF is something I have an open mind about but I cannot think about it too much at this point. Firstly because right now it's not relevant to where I'm at with SIF, and secondly because in New Zealand under 40's are eligible for one free IVF and I'm 40 next month so I have missed the boat there. We have no money to cover IVF so I cannot think about it too much - it only upsets me/depresses me that should the Clomid not work - it might be the end of the road for me.

But like I say, I try to keep an open mind while at the same time living in the present within SIF. I really do trust that God works through people and things and for now, I am under the guidance of my gyno. Next Wednesday I have the free fertility information appointment with Fertility Associates. (FA). From what I could decipher from the small chat I had with the nurse at FA, there could be other options beside Clomid for me at this time - whether she meant IVF, I have no idea.

I don't want to go into detail in my blog about all the fertility treatments available to the infertile as they aren't all applicable to me. My mind would explode taking in too much information that could possibly confuse and distress me even more. If I'm meant to know, the next step will make itself clear to me. I only write about what I know - it's my style of writing. I'm not here to inform the world about infertility treatments - there are loads of sites out there that do that. I'm only here to share my experience, strength and hope around TTC.

Clomid is only considered small fry in the grand scheme of fertility treatments. There are far more complex and invasive procedures out there. Google infertility and treatment and I'm sure a range of options will come up if you're interested in reading about those.

There are certainly a few infertility myths out there including IVF is relevant to most of us infertiles which it isn't. Another myth is that those who are TTC are going at it like rabbits. Not so for those of us with ovulation problems - we don't have the luxury of TTC every month so trust me, there are very long periods of time of not actually TTC.

Earlier on in my SIF days I used to search a lot more extensively on the internet for cures, treatments and advice. Okay, so I still do it a bit. But I know it's generally not good for my head. I can start to panic about time running out, the wrong treatment being applied to me etc if I read too much.

So these days I have a much simpler approach - just to go with where I'm at. SIF affects a woman in mind, body and soul and it is a constant battle to keep oneself in equilibrium. That means for me just taking SIF one day at a time, one procedure at a time whilst remembering Gods timing is perfect.

On round two of Provera

Yesterday I started Provera for the second time. The first time was back in February as AF hadn't arrived for six months. Interestingly so, AF came along for three regular cycles until my op in May and I haven't seen her since - she's officially two months late this Saturday.

So I picked the Provera up from the pharmacy yesterday to discover I'm to take it for ten days. My Dr prescribed this as my gyno was away. However when my gyno prescribed it, I only took it for a week. I haven't recorded the dosage I took anywhere the first time round which is annoying - but this time round I'm taking 5mg. I guess I can always phone my gyno's surgery if I want to clarify that I'm on the right dosage of Provera.

Anyway, I'm back in the TTO game. It takes me so long to get to this point. I am slightly envious of my fellow SI's that have regular cycles. But then we all have our different issues with SIF and I wouldn't wish my predicament on anyone, nor would I want any other TTC complications added to my SIF repetitore. It seems I have a bit of a handicap with TTC given that I'm not ovulating most of the time. So fingers crossed round three of Clomid, post-op works. I'm still on a low dosage at 50mg so if ovulation fails again, the dosage will obviously be increased by my gyno.

I feel both excited (in a sense) that I'm in the TTO game again - and afraid that I'm closer to getting some answers. But I shall hang in there as per God's message to me recently.

I took my daughter to gymnastics yesterday for a casual class which was totally unstructured. She loved it and ran around the gym like a mad thing! It was such a relief to be there rather than our usual Tuesday visit to Playgroup. Of course I knew a few MOTs there - Nelson is only small and the Mum circles even smaller. One MOT commented how hard it was to catch up with people now she has two children. I also saw the MOT-to-be there briefly who is a former SI but snubbed me a few months back in the sense that she didn't want to reveal how she got pregnant. She's three weeks off her due date. I still have resentments - not that she's pregnant, but that she let down a fellow SI in a time of need. I just think we ought to support each other as SIs. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with SIF, and I need to respect that some SIs are more private than I am.

Last night I wrote my last column for the local parents centre newsletter which felt good. I have been writing it for free for the last two years. It was called New Mum On The Block. I haven't felt so inspired to write the last few issues and just feel as a MOO of a three year old that what I have to say isn't relevant to the average new parent that reads that newsletter. I do think I would have perhaps hung in there as a MOT as then I would be sharing about juggling two children, experiencing babyhood all over again etc. The newsletter is riddled with articles and ads to do with (mainly) the baby years and it's just not relevant to my life at this time.

So actually it feels good to have moved on from my column. As a writer it was a good thing to do for a couple of years, but now it's time to open myself up to other possibilites. I have been thinking how all my writing time goes into this blog right now but that's where I'm at. Before I started this blog I used to enter short story competitions quite regularly. But I won't be in this SIF zone forever, am essentially writing a book about SIF as I go, so I am just going to go with what feels right and natural for now - and that's to keep writing about my life as an SI. It's part of my daily routine now - I blog as soon as I get up in the morning. It's great. I clear my head then switch off the computer and get on with my day.

Last night I checked in on the four SIF blogs I have listed here on the left. Two of the bloggers are pregnant which is amazing! I know they have both been TTC longer than I have so it always instills hope reading stories like that.

After gymnastics yesterday my daughter and I went to a cafe with a little boy her age and his MOO Mum. My daughter was tired and not interested in his company at all (just a few subtle hints such as "Mummy, home" and dragging my bag to the gate and waiting for me to come!). It was a good reminder to me that just because I have an only child, I do have to remember that she may actually want and need "me time" sometimes. I don't need to over-compensate her lack of another sibling by cramming her week full of lots of social activities. I do think my daughter and I are quite similar in that we both like to be out in the outdoors most days, just chilling together, enjoying our own company. I guess for her it is in a way a blessing - that she is able to have some personal space most days to just be.

Hang in there!

I am still managing to remain in this space where I have handed my baby dreams over to the God of my understanding and I'm therefore able to be a lot more present in my life. It is so much more peaceful this way. There seems to be less angst in my day - even though I still have pangs of longing that can happen any time, any place. All part of being an SI, of course.

Yesterday three things fell into place around my SIF footwork:
1. I received a phone-call first thing to say that my script for Provera was ready from my Dr. I am picking that up from the local pharmacy today.
2. The Pre-seed lubricant arrived via courier post - hand delivered to my door! I opened it up to find a little packet of sparkles which came with a note which says "This baby dust is special and it's being sent to you hoping it will help your fondest dreams come true." It almost bought a tear to my eye!
3. A confirmation note arrived in the mail for the free fertility evening next Wednesday with Fertility Associates.

I feel as though God has been telling me to just hang in there! these last couple of days. To just trust that He has it sorted. And I do trust that God has a big hand in all this. I'm not saying a baby is guaranteed at the end of it all. Just that, for whatever reason, I am exactly where I'm meant to be in my life right now. SIF is an experience I'm meant to be having and it isn't going to last forever.

But no matter how hard I try to detach myself from SIF, it manages to bite me in the butt several times a week, at least. On Sunday at work a family of four came in and they wanted to get a ceramic done of their second child's hand-print on a mug - just like they did with their first. The mug they wanted to use wasn't in stock so they're coming in at a later date to do it. I have to admit I was kind of relieved as I would have had to assist in helping them with placing their second childs hand on the mug and although I would have coped, it would have been just a little rough on the old heart-strings.

Yesterday a MOT client phoned me about a graphic design freelance job. My daughter had a friend around and was having a ball - the two of them played really well for around two and a half hours. I mentioned to this MOT that it was a lot easier having a playmate around to keep my daughter entertained. She responded by telling me how well her two children play together now that her youngest is fourteen months old. Yeah, I'm sure, I thought.

It makes me happy to see my daughter socialising happily with other kids. I have to treat her as an only child, and that means ensuring she does have the opportunity to play with kids both in a group and one-on-one. Because of our ops in May and then several bugs in the family in June, my daughter hasn't had as many one-on-one playdates as she usually would.

I have planned quite a social week for my daughter this week. Yesterday she had one of her very good friends around and had a blast. I loved looking after the two girls; it was like being a wannabe MOT for a couple of hours! Today I'm taking her to a casual gymnastics class, which she hasn't been to for a year, followed by a playdate with a boy her age. Then tomorrow we're going to gymnastics for a second time as another one of her friends has invited us to a free end-of-term-bring-a-friend-class. My daughter will love it - and after that we're going for an early lunch together. Thursday I'm taking my daughter's friend (the same one that was here yesterday) to Playgroup as well as my daughter - her Mum is the MOT whose Mum is terminally ill. The two girls haven't seen much of each other the last month or so and have both been missing their playdates so it's so nice to see them together again. Friday I'm taking my daughter to Music as per usual.

I had a lovely chat with friend no. 2 on Sunday. Fingers and toes crossed as she goes through IVF for the third time. I really hope it works out for her. I was able to disclose to her that I was cutting down contact with MOTs by dropping one Playgroup session and she revealed how hard it was for her and husband now that most of their friends were parents. It's not often we can share in great depth where we are within our IF battles, but I am always glad when we can.