Don't dream it's over

I've heard Don't dream it's over by Crowded House a couple of times over the last week or so. It instills a wee bit of hope every time I hear it that perhaps there is a chance that another baby could come along for us. I've realised that I have been afraid to indulge in my baby dreams and hopes for a while and so have consequently pushed any positive thoughts aside, for fear of misleading myself. But I'm currently in this space of just going with my feelings. SIF is full of ups and downs. Of course I'll probably feel optimistic when a treatment starts, and defeated when it fails. It's all part of it. I guess for a while I've been trying to control my emotions so I didn't have such extreme ups and downs. But I've had to accept, all over again, that the highs and lows are part of the deal.

So at the moment I do feel hopeful, and optimistic and have even allowed myself to think about a baby in our future. It's all part of me learning not to be so black and white around SIF and to just go with the flow a little more. I started round three of Clomid of yesterday and you just never know - I might actually ovulate!

I went and had several blood tests yesterday and will get the results next week sometime. I was proud to have initiated those and it will be interesting to see what they reveal.

Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I popped in on the MOT-to-be neighbour that is experiencing severe morning sickness. When we dropped by she was in her PJs on the couch and friends were looking after her daughter. She seems lovely. We had a wee ten minute chat and I said we'd pop back next week and then the girls could meet each other. I offered to take her daughter to our place sometime soon, all going well. It was quite interesting actually to observe my reaction around this MOT-to-be. I guess because she is so obviously going through hell, it wasn't hard to sympathise with her at all.

When she asked me the other children question I just said straight up that I was going through secondary infertility. She understood immediately what that translated to so we were able to have a small discussion about TTC and IF. Amazing for me who is usually too riddled with resentment to share about SIF with a MOT or MOT-to-be. This week has been one of spiritual healing, I really believe. It has been such a quiet week - just me and my daughter mainly so I have had opportunites to just be, instead of racing around here and there. I know another wee shift within SIF has occurred for me. I certainly feel more at peace with things right now.

I have been a bit vague about SIF out there for a while. Perhaps I didn't want to draw attention to my own infertility so offered responses such as "I hope to have another one one day" whenever I was asked if I was either having any more children. Yet as I have discussed with a few SIs, part of being a SI is educating others about SIF. So from now on I'm just going to tell it like it is - if asked and it's appropriate, of course.