Flogging a dead horse

Saturday morning I received a copy of my blood test results from last Friday. They don't make a lot of sense to me so I will try to call my Dr for an interpretation later this morning. However one small sentence is written at the bottom of the results: Results consistent with ovarian failure.

Ovarian failure is not good news. I have done enough research on the Net to know that this is pretty much indicative of early/premature menopause, as I have both suspected and feared all along. However until I've talked to my Dr, I am hanging in there, even though I know I am basically flogging a dead horse!

Midday Saturday I set off with three friends to Blenheim in a state of shock. It seems I am getting the answers I have been waiting for for a long time and they are confirming what I believe I always knew - that I really am infertile.

Thursday was the day I let a lot of emotions out, after the receptionist at my Dr's gave me her (unprofessional) version of the above comment. At the moment I feel numb and unable to accept on a deep level that this is all happening to me. It is very much like processing a death with that sick feeling in your stomach, the surreal feeling that "this can't be happening" and that numbness that protects you for a while from the enormous pain of it all.

I am on day 12 of my cycle and yet we are still TTC despite the above "news". The thing is, I will probably need to do some more blood tests before I get a conclusive answer, and I'm due to do another day 21 progesterone test this cycle so I kind of have to keep on TTC while the jury is still out. It is almost funny that we are TTC while the writing is on the wall.

I had a lovely night away and the timing was perfect. I was away with women mainly a generation older than myself who are well past their child-bearing days so there was no threat of parenting or pregnancy talk. I was able to talk to a really good friend about it in the back-seat on the way across to Blenheim, in a detached kind of a way. We had a lovely dinner on Saturday at where I had a roast, a passionfruit cheese-cake followed by a glass of port (which was on the house). We were staying at a motorlodge/backpackers and I slept soundly all night. I was exhausted so a night of uninterupted sleep was pure bliss. My wee trip away gave me the space to just be at a time when I really needed it.