3rd counseling session

My third counseling session went well last night. I do feel like I'm in a different place emotionally to where I was when I had my first counseling session around six weeks ago so that's progress! I seem to shed a few tears most sessions. I guess the conclusion I've come up with is even though I'm surrendering my baby dreams right now, the desire to have another child is still there. It is so very strong. While I'm still in the TTC game, that desire probably won't go away. So I've clicked that IF for me is about living with this desire to have a child that I may or may not get to conceive every day. That means, no matter what head space I'm in - I could get triggered at any time.

A good day for me means my grief isn't consuming me. I can feel joy in my life and be present - very much living in the Now. But even on a day like this my heart will ache when I see babies or bumps.

On a bad day with IF my grief is really up there. I cannot see the wood for the trees and am unable to participate in my life as fully as I'd like to. These are the days I am challenged with Mum-of-two (MOT) and bump sightings.

I think that's why I've gotten frustrated when people have tried to decipher where I'm at with IF. Even on a good day I am hurting around this issue and often feel like I am walking around with an invisible heart-ache that not many can see. I cannot expect people to understand what IF is like that haven't experienced it. I guess I thought my blog might help with that. Perhaps it has a little but really it is only those in the same boat who identify strongly. But I am starting to think that's okay. Friends and family can still be a support even if they don't understand the IF process simply by being there. And the fact that some of my friends and family have tried to understand where I'm at means a lot.