It's been an emotional three days or so with lots of tears. The tears have been cleansing, as always, so I'm feeling a lot lighter. My last big cry (for now) was early yesterday morning. Later that morning I took my daughter for a walk in her buggy in the glorious Autumn sunshine to the motorcamp. It's a walk we've done a lot over the last few years. I let her out once we're in the motorcamp and she has a big romp around then a play in the playground there. It is a place where I find peace and therefore is often where I connect with God. Yesterday morning I prayed/begged God, I just want to be okay. Okay with IF. Okay with the final outcome (whatever that is). Okay with my feelings when they come up.
Luckily my Higher Power had a busy afternoon planned for me. I was invited to a Christening for a one year old by a woman I did my Small Business Management Course with last year. So I went along (alone) and was pleased to see another couple of people from my course there. It was good to be reminded of some other non-Mum connections I have out there and of the fact that actually last year, which was my first whole year of the IF game, I completed a business course. So I haven't been rotting away completely!
Afterwards I went home and picked up my daughter and took her to the birthday party that followed at a local hotel here in Tahuna. It took my breath away! I have never been to such an extravagant children's birthday party. It was on the scale of a wedding with place-names and a full lunch. Children's entertainment included a clown, face-painting, and a magician (and his assistant). The theme was a fairy one and it was well done with bright pink and green decorations everywhere, a fairy-cake, and fairy party-hats. The birthday girl had three wardrobe changes!
Both my daughter and I were dumbstruck when we first walked in. When I said we were going to a party she was expecting a handful of kids dancing around to High Five with balloons scattered everywhere as per her party. But she enjoyed herself and got her face painted as a cat - very cute. She got lots of frights during the magic act though as a rabbit and birds appearing from nowhere made her jump a few times!
The thing is, in the midst of my big cry yesterday morning I contemplated not going to the Christening or birthday party. But it was a great thing for me to do for myself and for the family who'd invited me. I felt truly honoured to be there as it's not a family I know well at all.
My ex-classmates asked me when our catch-up was going to be as at the end of the course last year I took all the names and numbers down and said I'd organise something. I'm not sure why this often happens - I seem to end up as The Organiser for getting groups of people together. Partly because I like it, as it's a natural attribute - and partly because others somehow gravitate towards me organising things. I am often the glue in group situations and often in friendships. I often am the one who emails/phones/texts. Yet when I come unstuck - like I have with IF - my role as The Organiser falls away and then so do many of my social networks.
However I promised that within the month I'll organise a get-together for my ex-classmates. I have the same dynamic with my antenatal class. Whenever I've bumped into any of them individually they often ask when we're meeting up next. However I'm the only SI in a group full of MOTs. There are a couple of MOOs thrown in - neither who are TTC. But all in all, it is a little much for me at this point to organise a catch-up with women who I started my motherhood journey with. It seems the older the second children get, the worse it is somehow. I thought it was just babies that triggered me but it is more the whole two-sibling thing.
I have booked a full-body massage in for next Sunday night which I'm soooo looking forward to. I haven't had one for months and it used to be a once-a-month habit pre-motherhood. Incidentally my massage is on my (approximate) "anniversary" of 19 months of TTC and is also when AF is due. I was thinking I wouldn't mind making that a monthly tradition again for around that date. I might not have a BFP to look forward to for a while (if at all), so a massage in the wings every month would be nice!
Last night we had another computer-free Saturday (as per last Saturday night) and watched Hairspray, kindly loaned to me by a friend. I loved it! It was fun, inspiring and just well done. I'm The Organiser in my marriage as well, and have recognised lately how important it is for us to get back to our once-a-week date nights.
I had a great nights sleep last night as I was in bed by 9.30pm. My daughter got up at 6.30am so it was like a sleep-in after the last week of 5am (or earlier!) starts. I am okay today. So thanks for the prayers and virtual hugs - I am sure they helped heaps.
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