One of the worst aspects of living with IF, is feeling as though life is passing me by. Occasionally I move out of that space and live in the Now and all that. Even so, living in the Now means I concentrate on my daily and weekly activities such as parenting/gym/work on Sundays. However as far as the bigger picture goes, I feel as though life is pretty much exactly the same as it was eighteen months ago.
IF can suck a lot of life out of me and for that reason there is some truth in the notion that my life overall has come to a standstill. I haven't had the energy to think about life outside IF. I want to, I'm trying to but it's a real effort to think outside The World Of IF.
MOTs, MOTHs and MOFs are hard to deal with because of the obvious, but also because life has worked out for them in one area, it has allowed them to carry on with life in other areas. I know several MOTs-to-be and MOTs who are either planning their next move work-wise or have made some life changes already because their families are complete. That is what is so damn frustrating about IF - the feeling of being in a standstill position for a painfully long period of time.
In counseling recently I did discover that I could develop some short-term goals. I'm getting there around putting some energy back into creative pursuits and/or work. But the truth is I just haven't really got it in me right now to put much energy elsewhere. Half the time I feel as though I am just in survival mode with IF.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm not in a good place. I know I'm tired as that was the third night this week the lights were out by 9pm.
IF sucks. I hate it. I don't want to be here. I'm in total non-acceptance around my situation so there is not one ounce of peace in my heart. But I will get there again - I will once again accept the unacceptable. Please pray for me or send me a virtual hug. I really could do with some prayers and hugs right now.
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