Granted some kind of miracle happens, I'm now looking at becoming a Mum for the second time in my 40's. I was 35 when I got pregnant with my daughter - and 36 when she was born. Back then I thought that was old. Seems young now! I'll be 40 in four months time (at the end of August).
For the last few weeks I've been thinking a bit more seriously about how I might celebrate that milestone. I had gotten to the point where I thought I would organise at the very least a dinner if not drinks, and a bit of dancing. For a while I had wondered about planning celebrations too far ahead, not knowing what my emotional state might be then. But I'm pretty sure I'll be okay and believe 40 is an age to celebrate. Hopefully I'll be pretty much recovered from my surgery by then.
Yesterday at Music class, a MOT's Mum commented how having a baby over the age of 35 was very risky. She brought this up as her daughter had just had her second child in her late thirties around a week ago and she'd been genuinely worried about her. But that comment made my blood boil. Of course the woman has no idea that I'm TTC, TTO - whatever! Circumstances are different for all of us, but I'm pretty sure many women who are facing motherhood in their 40s didn't particularly want it to happen then.
I had really hoped I'd be pregnant again by the time I was 40. I'd kind of had it in my head that my thirties were my time of settling down - getting married and having children. Setting up my domestic life as such. Now my family plans have been dragged into the next decade. I guess I wanted it to be a new chapter - a new start. I know it still can be. Perhaps a new chapter with two children? Who knows.
I'm feeling sick in the stomach right now. Quite nervous about the surgery. I had some tears with my husband last night. I do have many fears about the operation. Why couldn't the cyst have just disappeared by itself? It was only three years ago that I last had abdominal surgery and it took a very long time to completely heal from that. I know at least I have experience behind me but I'm not sure that makes me feel any more prepared!
Until I had my daughter I had never stayed in a hospital and they aren't my favourite places. I just feel like holding on tight to both my daughter and husband right now as I'm going to have to stay at hospital for at least two nights. On one hand, it will be a good and necessary rest but for the most part, I'd rather be at home.
Deep breaths!
What is God playing at though? Here I have been struggling for so long with the emotional side of living with IF. I get myself sorted and get really into the gym and get a job then whammo - it's all been taken away. Only temporarily, I know. But still. However I'm going to take it as a positive that being more physically fit this time round is going to help my recovery. I found links that support that theory. Although one is focused on surgery in obese patients and the other to do with arthritis surgery, they are still relevant to my case, I believe.
I suppose I can look at this time at the gym as being a time of preparing my body for surgery. I will have to start all over again after surgery but my recovery might be faster than I think. Last time I had just had a baby and pregnancy of course takes it's toll on the body - let alone pregnancy and an operation (c-section/ovary removal) at the same time.
So technically I'm estimating I won't be TTO again for at least two more months. It's one month to surgery then a few weeks of recovery at least after surgery. I tell you, after a c-section, I certainly didn't want to do you know what in the bedroom for quite some time...
The incision this time round is smaller than a c-section. It's still considered difficult surgery to recover from since it's abdominal surgery, but it's only one operation this time and obviously a baby isn't being delivered at the same time.
What a strange place to be in. If I thought I was in standstill mode before I was wrong - I am certainly now. Hopefully this means I'll be back in the game and in really good form fertility-wise once I'm recovered. I get from God that now is a time of rest and healing. So I will keep on keeping on til my surgery - making the most of the gym while I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment