Letting Go Of A Dream

Although I've had some good days recently around surrendering my baby dreams, I've also had some days in which I've been a bit agitated. I am in the midst of yet another process - this one involves letting go of a strong desire to have another baby on a deep level. It is happening naturally - it is not forced. I am not sulking! I have got here naturally and just feel that perhaps it isn't Gods will that I have another child. I really want one, am still angry on some level that that might not be the case, but at the same time accept it perhaps isn't meant to be. I will still keep on with TTC, but am moving away from making it my key focus.

It is a freeing space to be in yet it is a time in which I'm finding it particularly difficult to be around Mums-of-twos (MOTs) and Mums-of-twos (MOTs)-to-be. I've no doubt offended friend no. 1 who is pregnant with her second child. She's right in that she feels she often doesn't get it right in what to say to me around the IF deal. The truth be known is I cannot connect deeply with another pregnant woman around my IF stuff. The only time that has worked was with a friend who had IF problems with her first child. The second one came easily but she went through hell to have her first child. That's the whole point - she's been there.

I don't mean to be a bitch and probably have been very unfair and unreasonable with friend no. 1. I think we are no doubt both hurting a little as we have been very close for so long. We still are but have agreed pretty much that we cannot connect around my IF stuff.

I have some friends that have been able to identify with me that haven't experienced IF. These are the friends who understand that going through IF is a process, a form of grief, and that it is ongoing. These friends seem able to draw on a personal life crisis either recent or in the past to identify with the continual grieving process that is IF. Oh, and they also aren't MOTs or MOTs-to-be!

I'm not sure a pregnant woman and a woman struggling with IF are able to bond over the IF deal. That is like expecting a person who has been recently dumped to enjoy outings with a friend and her new beau. In that situation it would be easier for the dumpee to see her friend on her own. Sometimes in life you just do have to take the space whether it's emotional or physical from those that have what you desire while processing some rocky emotions.

I've had several friends with primary IF detach from me emotionally around the birth of my daughter. They came back into the picture later down the track - I understood it was too painful for them to be around and even in contact with me for a while. It is a case of accepting that some aspects of our lives are only going to be understood by just a few and that we cannot always connect with even our nearest and dearest, despite how much we love them.