Groan. Seems to be the way it is with this IF journey - sometimes it just all catches up on you. I have been making a real effort to live in the Now but my feelings have gotten the better of me. I think finding yesterday's letter from the obstetrician who delivered my daughter (see old medical records) brought up a lot of stuff. BTW I phoned my gyno's surgery today and The Snarky Receptionist said they had the letter so that's a relief. I always feel about two foot tall when I phone her - like every query I have is just plainly ridiculous. Grrrr!
I want to be positive and believe it could happen for me - you know, conception, but it just feels a bit unrealistic right now given I'm not even ovulating. It just makes me so mad that I'm completely powerless over TTO. Sigh.
There are two breeds of Mums out there that have been in my face this week. That is MOTHs (Mums-of-three) and MOFs (Mums-of-four). Nelson is a provincial town in New Zealand and families of three or four children are quite common. In my Mum circles that I've been frequenting for the last two and a half years, several Mums are pregnant with their third or fourth children!
Today I formally met my neighbour as our two girls were checking each other out over the fence. She's a MOTH. Another neighbour is a MOTH with older children and down the road there's a MOF. Now I don't want to be a MOTH or a MOF but should twins or multiples happen by some absolute miracle, then I would embrace that. At my daughter's Music class there are several MOTHs-to-be and one MOF-to-be. It is hard when their first children are my daughter's age and then there's one in between and then another on the way. It just illustrates how life really goes on for some women while mine just feels so stagnant. I just feel like I am in the quick-sand half the time, sinking, while all the rest of the Mums are just getting on with their lives.
I just feel peeved today that my womanhood - my right as a woman to bear children is at stake. It's not fair, it's not right and I don't feel like trying to search for the silver lining in the cloud today. I need to vent!
Perhaps I'm having an emotional backlash as a friend at my daughter's Music class had her second child on Sunday. She was there with her first child today and looked so radiant, at peace and happy. I was genuinely happy for her though. When she entered the room with her missing-bump, I gave her a big hug. I was really rapt for her. Yet at the same time it tore me apart hearing her talk to her daughter about her little sister.
Today my daughter had a nap so I watched an English talk back show on tele. It was about inspirational women. Some had survived set-backs in life such as being born without limbs, and one woman was a foster Mum to seven Downs Syndrome kids (the eighth child had some other condition). It is amazing when people can raise above what could drag them down. I guess IF is so unique in that until you get that ending, some kind of conclusion, you are just hanging in there. I really don't think it's possible to not feel all these rocky emotions that come up. I hope I don't go to the dark place I did a few months ago with it all - I am determined to keep myself afloat. But is that as good as it gets with IF for me? I want to be more than just treading water right now.
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