I just need a good cry

Oh dear, I've woken up still feeling shitty as per yesterday's mood! When I'm like this, irritable and angry and can't shake it, it's a clear indicator that a cry is in the wings. As a MOO I find even my time for crying is limited as obviously I am carrying on with my day (for the most part!) and doing Mum things, with my feelings lurking in the background. So they'll come out eventually - the feelings that are stuck inside right now. I don't actually feel completely miserable. It's just once again SIF feels like a continual grief process and so I never do know when one of these cries is going to come up. I get sick of coming back to this place of fear and overwhelm though. But sometimes that's just where I'm at.

I'm taking my daughter along with a MOO friend and her daughter to a pantomime today (Puff The Magic Dragon) which will be fun! It's the first production I would have taken my daughter too. So I'm wagging Playgroup again today! Once again I am relieved that we are doing something different. Obviously there'll be lots of kids at the pantomime, some with siblings but it won't be in an intimate setting where I know the Mums (or many Mums) if you know what I mean.

I have some MOT friends who are also going through hard times. One MOT friend is quite preoccupied with her Mum's health and so even though she's dropped her daughter off for me to look after twice over the last week, she has been in such a rush and not in the space to talk about much beyond her Mum, she doesn't know about my surgery. I cannot help but feel a wee bit of resentment around this. I appreciate it must be incredibly hard dealing with a parents decline in health and therefore anticipating a death. But it's yet another example of how SIF is an invisible pain. Most of us can identify with death - we've either experienced it or dread the day when we might lose a loved one. Yet SIF is forgotten about most of the time it would seem by those afflicted.

I am so sick of this being my life - SIF as my big background pain that most people in my life cannot "see". Although blogging and being part of the Dailystrength secondary infertility community have been saviours for me at this time, I do look forward to the day when I'll be sharing and thinking about other stuff. I still stand by what I wrote two days ago - I will not be beaten by SIF! I may still get dragged under every now and then but each time I come up for air, I come up for a longer period of time. When I do come up for air life looks better than it did the last time (I was up for air), so I know I'm moving through all this SIF crap in my own way and in my own time.