Life is short

A few of my friends over the last couple of months have been faced with the deaths or inevitable deaths of dying relatives. This has really touched me and brings me out of my IF grief - for a bit at least. I mean, life is short. Life is too short for all this IF crap. I am so sick of it taking away from all the pleasures in my life, or even taking me away from my life so there doesn't seem to be much pleasure. I have been fighting IF for a while, determined to not be consumed by it but it is a very hard fight.

Today I braved Playgroup. It is never easy hearing MOTs talking about how their kids play together. And then today a little girl said to me "I'm looking after my baby sister because I'm the BIG sister." Yep, that is a hard one to hear.

Meanwhile I had to take my daughter to Plunket for her third year check yesterday. I mentioned her social/behavioural issues over the last few months. That plus her delayed speech concerned the Plunket worker a bit. Both she and I agreed that my daughter is intelligent, and meeting all her developmental milestones but something is amiss. It might just be that she's an introvert - not a big people person, who knows. So she's going to write a letter to our family Dr after consulting with one of the teacher's from Playgroup. Hopefully she'll be referred on from the Dr for an assessment with Child Development Services. I know I can't blame her lone child status on all of this but I believe it definitely plays a part.

After the Plunket appointment yesterday we dropped in on a new MOT. I got to hold her two week old. It just feels so right and so natural to me to hold a baby - as it no doubt does to any mother let alone woman. Already her big sister was coming up and giving her sister hugs and kisses after just two weeks of a new baby in the house.

I feel angry about it all today. Angry that IF has taken over my life for the last nineteen months and angry that it will dominate my life for a few more months yet. Sometimes I feel as though my upcoming surgery is part of the bigger picture and things might really start falling into place afterwards. Other times I feel as though it could be the beginning of the end of the road for me. I don't know of course what'll happen next. I know I'm meant to have the surgery, that's about it.

It's ANZAC Day here in New Zealand tomorrow which means a public holiday. My Mum and partner are coming down to their holiday home which is about twenty minutes from us so we're going to stay a couple of nights. We really need some time together as a family. Since I started going to the gym and working on Sundays, we've lost some family time. We're also hoping to leave our daughter with Nana too at some point so my husband and I can go on a date. I appreciate some "us" time is always crucial in a marriage with children but even more so when IF is part of the marriage. Life is short so I want to make the most of opportunities like this to enjoy what I have.