God Knows Best

It hasn't been the easiest process surrendering my baby dreams. I have to remind myself that when I hand baby number two over to God, it's about accepting His Will, whatever the outcome. That means another baby could be part of His plan for me. I seem to think I have to let go of the possibility of that even happening which isn't the case. When I think like that I only end up depressing myself. It is a hard space to get to - accepting whatever happens. That's why living with IF brings so many ups and downs - shifting from hope to hopelessness often daily is emotionally taxing.

Living in the Now seems to be helping a lot. I continue to switch my computer off during the day. That has meant I have been more focused on my daughter and our home without any distractions. We're somewhat housebound in the afternoons right now as my daughter is in the process of dropping naps and has started toilet-training. She gets so tired in the afternoons and will often crash in her buggy or in the car if we head out so we don't go far. If she naps she's up til 9pm so it's better for all of us if she misses a nap if possible. So I have been cleaning and tidying up more than usual! (including lots of wees on the carpet!)

There's been some anger sitting there even though I feel like I am surrendering on a deeper level. I still get so very angry at God! Why do I have to surrender my baby dreams? Many women have the same dreams and their desires are often met easily. It seems so very unfair that this isn't the case for me. I know when we were TTC for our daughter I surrendered the outcome to God quite easily. I told God I'd be okay whatever He decided around us starting a family. I'm trying hard to get back to that space.

I know ultimately God knows best. I have being around some intellectually-disabled children in our community the last couple of days. There is a group that we often share the spa with at the swimming pool after my daughter's swimming lessons. Two of them have the mentality of a three year old and the body of a twelve year old. That scares me as I haven't had much to do with the intellectually-disabled in my lifetime. Then yesterday at the dairy there was an adult man who was also intellectually-disabled. The dairy-owner was very good with him and obviously has him come in regularly. I have been wondering if perhaps I only have bad eggs left. I have always asked God for a healthy baby yet that might not be a possibility. I would certainly welcome any baby that came our way and would see that as Gods blessing. But I did say to God yesterday that if there isn't a healthy baby in the wings for me, then perhaps it is for the best that I don't fall pregnant.

God took away one of my ovaries at the same time I had my daughter. It's almost as though the writing is on the wall that he decided my child-bearing days were over then and there. That is why it has been hard letting go of the baby that didn't make it in Dec '06 as my fear has been that that was my last pregnancy.

But I will keep on keeping on until it is deemed time to stop trying. I'll know when that is. God will make it pretty clear - I know that much!