Yesterday I thought I'd sort out my daughter's wardrobe. I have been slowly sorting the house out as I've found it's been a great way to keep me focused in the Now. However yesterday wasn't the best day as with the end of daylight saving on Sunday, my daughter has been awake before 5am every morning this week. Some days she's napped. Yesterday it was just a half hour nap in the buggy so no nap for me. As a result I was not in a good space, operating in sleep deprivation mode. It was a day in which the toilet-training took a backward step and my daughter seemed to pee on everything and everywhere. "Yucky toilet!" was exclaimed every time I attempted to lure her to the loo and there was no way her little white butt was going to sit down on the potty.
So I was fried emotionally. Then I came across a pile of notes from antenatal classes, baby classes etc from our local Parent Centre at the top of her wardrobe. I threw them all out. I haven't looked at them in yonks and if there is another baby I'm sure I'll access that information from my own experience or other means. Still, it is always a little emotional throwing baby-related stuff out.
Anyway, in the midst of this pile of notes was a letter from the obstetrician who delivered our daughter to my midwife and Dr. The last paragraph interested me:
"Should Lynda have any problems conceiving she should be referred promptly for diagnostic laparaoscopy to check that there are no adhesions formed on the left. She is probably at a very slightly increased risk of ectopic pregnancy compared to the general population and this should be discussed with her at her six week check. She should have an ultrasound scan when her period is one week late when she conceives to ensure an intrauterine pregnancy. Histology confirms a simple cyst on the right ovary with torsion of the tube and ovary."
Now admittedly I probably should have kept these notes within my "infertility folder" that I have with my blood results etc. They are birth records but still, it is undoubtedly because of the fact I lost an ovary when my daughter was delivered via an emergency c-section that I am in the situation I am today fertility-wise. I got so very angry when I read this letter. This obstertrician "warned" me when my daughter arrived - that I better get on to it if I wanted another child as (her words) I could enter menopause early. However midst the fog of a general anesthetic, this wasn't information I was able to fully digest.
So she knew! She knew what my fate was. All along it has been preempted that I might have problems conceiving yet I feel the Drs I've been in contact with since haven't made the crucial link between my past and current health history. How sick am I of hearing "plenty of woman with one ovary conceive." Maybe they do, but not me! Not easily!
I bawled after I read this letter. I haven't read it since becoming a SI, so it hurt. And it was like having the truth written in black and white. I wasn't able to use the same obstertrician as she doesn't work privately, only at the hospital for deliveries there. She's meant to be one of the best. So is my current obstertrician/gynaecologist, I am assured. I'm not sure whether he has these notes though - I can't keep up with notes being passed on and who has what. I guess I will have to make a call to the snarky receptionist at his surgery to check. Oh joy!
Like I say, it has been an exhausting week. I was in bed at 8.30pm last night. I had a really sore stomach actually and had to take two pandol which knocked me out. I said to my husband it was probably just exhaustion/stress. It reminded us both of the undiagnosed pain I had three weeks before our daughter arrived that turned out to be a torted ovary. I guess I haven't had any pain that has come close to that for three years. After reading that letter, I'm feeling a little mistrusting of the whole health system all over again. And annoyed that I have to put my trust in them. Like it comes down to the luck of the draw - that hopefully I am landed with competent health professionals who will get to the bottom of this. I have to trust that God either has or will eventually lead me to the right people.
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