Surgery notes arrived

Well I really feel like next weeks surgery is really happening now that my surgery notes have arrived. I have confirmed the date (May 8th - Thursday week) via a phone-call and sent off all the required forms for a general anaesthestic so it seems a lot more official now. I'm to be there on May 8th by 7.30am. I have a preadmission check appointment on Monday which takes about an hour. Apparently all questions can be answered then so it's a consult, I guess. I did ask about recovery time when I phoned to confirm the surgery - I was told similar to a c-section. "It is major surgery. You'll be up here for three to five nights".

I've been given a list of Suggested Items To Bring:
* Medications you are currently taking
* Slippers
* Dressing Gown
* Nightwear - Summer weight shortie style is best
* Toiletries - soap, shampoo, toothpaste and brush
* Tissues
* Biro
* Diversional activity eg books, knitting, cards
* Fruit juice as required
* TV's - require earplugs
* Small change if wanting to buy evening paper
* Clothes - comfortable for going home
* Electrical equipment eg shavers, radios, TV's, hairdryers must be checked by a Registered Electrican and have an accompanying label.

This list made me smile. It's such a different experience knowing surgery is coming up to being admitted to hospital via A&E like I was three years ago. I talked to my husband last night and we've decided to cancel my daughter's swimming and gymnastic classes for next term. I won't be able to drive for at least three weeks and don't want to be in a position of struggling with lifting her at her classes. My husband can get a few days off. Luckily for us Playgroup and Music (even though not my favourite places for MOT and MOTH infestations!) are within walking distance. And one of my daughters friends lives just up the road that she sees on Mondays.

I'm anticipating a recovery similar to my c-section since that's the advice I have been given. I recovered quite fast physically from my c-section as I did take it really easy and didn't lift anything heavy or drive for six weeks as recommended. I think the fear that has come up over the last few days has been about the general anaesthestic - that takes a little longer to get over. I am a woman who fights emotional highs and lows at the best of times and a general anaesthestic certainly isn't the best when you are wired like that. I have also been worried about complications in my surgery. I did unexpectantly lose an ovary during my last operation and that was traumatic. It took me a while to get over that loss and obviously some old stuff around that has resurfaced at this time. I guess I can ask about worse case scenario at my consult on Monday.

The pantomime was fun yesterday. My daughter got a little freaked when Puff came on stage and clung quite tightly to me for the whole performance but for the most part enjoyed it in a my-first-pantomime-and-it's-a-little-overwhelming-kind-of-a-way. Afterwards we had lunch with two MOO friends and their three year olds.

I have been enjoying a break from Playgroup. We're not going today either - going to visit a MOTH friend this morning who I don't see much outside of the holidays. It's been great shaking things up over the school holidays and doing something different. School's back next week so we'll be back into our Playgroup and Music routine then.

I am feeling better now that the paperwork has arrived and I've been able to make some decisions around what happens after my surgery such as freezing my gym membership for two months. I am nervous and scared and dreading the operation in many ways but, like anything, the way this op has all flowed seems to be a very clear indicator that it is exactly what is meant to be happening at this time. (dammit!)

I just need a good cry

Oh dear, I've woken up still feeling shitty as per yesterday's mood! When I'm like this, irritable and angry and can't shake it, it's a clear indicator that a cry is in the wings. As a MOO I find even my time for crying is limited as obviously I am carrying on with my day (for the most part!) and doing Mum things, with my feelings lurking in the background. So they'll come out eventually - the feelings that are stuck inside right now. I don't actually feel completely miserable. It's just once again SIF feels like a continual grief process and so I never do know when one of these cries is going to come up. I get sick of coming back to this place of fear and overwhelm though. But sometimes that's just where I'm at.

I'm taking my daughter along with a MOO friend and her daughter to a pantomime today (Puff The Magic Dragon) which will be fun! It's the first production I would have taken my daughter too. So I'm wagging Playgroup again today! Once again I am relieved that we are doing something different. Obviously there'll be lots of kids at the pantomime, some with siblings but it won't be in an intimate setting where I know the Mums (or many Mums) if you know what I mean.

I have some MOT friends who are also going through hard times. One MOT friend is quite preoccupied with her Mum's health and so even though she's dropped her daughter off for me to look after twice over the last week, she has been in such a rush and not in the space to talk about much beyond her Mum, she doesn't know about my surgery. I cannot help but feel a wee bit of resentment around this. I appreciate it must be incredibly hard dealing with a parents decline in health and therefore anticipating a death. But it's yet another example of how SIF is an invisible pain. Most of us can identify with death - we've either experienced it or dread the day when we might lose a loved one. Yet SIF is forgotten about most of the time it would seem by those afflicted.

I am so sick of this being my life - SIF as my big background pain that most people in my life cannot "see". Although blogging and being part of the Dailystrength secondary infertility community have been saviours for me at this time, I do look forward to the day when I'll be sharing and thinking about other stuff. I still stand by what I wrote two days ago - I will not be beaten by SIF! I may still get dragged under every now and then but each time I come up for air, I come up for a longer period of time. When I do come up for air life looks better than it did the last time (I was up for air), so I know I'm moving through all this SIF crap in my own way and in my own time.

An Off Day

I have been a bit out of sorts today. I wasn't able to put my finger on what exactly was bothering me most of the day as I cannot blame all my bad days on IF. It would be easy to do that wouldn't it but let's face it, even if I was a MOT life would not be a bed of roses the whole time would it. It is good to be reminded of that sometimes.

But I did have quite a bit of anger towards God about IF, and my surgery in particular today. The What ifs have been creeping in: What if the surgery is the beginning of the end? What if I lose my only ovary? What if I biologically can't have any more children and that I'll find that out really soon? I've been thinking I ought to be more optimistic with my What ifs if I must go there. How about: What if it works? What if ovulation returns? What if I can conceive? What if I get pregnant?! Now that's a better way to look at it!

I still haven't received the paperwork from the surgeon which means in my head I cannot completely accept that it's really happening - that it's a done deal. I've been a bit sheepish in revealing my surgery to people too. It's a funny one to bring up with acquaintances - Mums at Playgroup etc.

I went to the mall with my daughter today - it really was a case of Spot the MOTs! My MOT envy was up there big time. Why not me God?? is what I was thinking as I watched MOTs caressing babies heads as they walked around with them in baby slings with a toddler or preschooler in tow.

I just probably need to go to bed early. My MOT envy is bad when I'm tired.I have been a grumpy bear most of the day. I went to the gym tonight and did some weights but felt weak. I'm still coming right after Saturday's stomach bug I guess.

Sometimes sh*t just happens

I had a stomach bug yesterday. Not nice. We were out at my Mums and I wasn't able to move far from the er, toilet so stayed back with my daughter while everyone else went out for some retail therapy. Looking after a three year old is tiring at the best of times, but especially so when not a hundred percent.

My Mum's place is located by the sea so my daughter and I had about three trips to the beach. It was on one of our visits to the beach that it occurred to me that I have no control about my health. Yesterday I just woke up with a bug. Sometimes sh*t just just happens. (literally in my case yesterday!) Things do happen to us - inconveniences or things we don't particularly like. IF is one of those things for me right now. Yet even though it wasn't fun being sick, it meant I had a day of being as low key as possible, my health being much more important than The World Of IF.

Today I felt much better and had a good day at work. I've settled more into my job over the last couple of shifts. It's only a week and a half til my surgery so I'm just taking it easy really. It was nice to have a couple of nights out at my Mums even though I was sick for some of our visit. At least on Friday we had a nice mellow day as a family not doing much at all. I said to my husband that it was good to have a break from the endless chores that seem to be part of domestic life. We never got a date in thanks to my stomach bug, but never mind.

I'm in a space of feeling not only how short life is but how important it is to enjoy the good bits as the bad bits can threaten to drag us down if we're not careful. But lets face it, life throws curve balls for everyone along the way. IF is my current curve ball. Life had been going so well for me for quite some time - I had felt truly blessed for ages then along came IF. Life is still good though, that's the thing. I have been feeling and rediscovering that truth lately. This SI will not be beaten by IF! I am going to blossom and live life fully again, regardless of where things are at with IF. That is something I can strife for.

Life is short

A few of my friends over the last couple of months have been faced with the deaths or inevitable deaths of dying relatives. This has really touched me and brings me out of my IF grief - for a bit at least. I mean, life is short. Life is too short for all this IF crap. I am so sick of it taking away from all the pleasures in my life, or even taking me away from my life so there doesn't seem to be much pleasure. I have been fighting IF for a while, determined to not be consumed by it but it is a very hard fight.

Today I braved Playgroup. It is never easy hearing MOTs talking about how their kids play together. And then today a little girl said to me "I'm looking after my baby sister because I'm the BIG sister." Yep, that is a hard one to hear.

Meanwhile I had to take my daughter to Plunket for her third year check yesterday. I mentioned her social/behavioural issues over the last few months. That plus her delayed speech concerned the Plunket worker a bit. Both she and I agreed that my daughter is intelligent, and meeting all her developmental milestones but something is amiss. It might just be that she's an introvert - not a big people person, who knows. So she's going to write a letter to our family Dr after consulting with one of the teacher's from Playgroup. Hopefully she'll be referred on from the Dr for an assessment with Child Development Services. I know I can't blame her lone child status on all of this but I believe it definitely plays a part.

After the Plunket appointment yesterday we dropped in on a new MOT. I got to hold her two week old. It just feels so right and so natural to me to hold a baby - as it no doubt does to any mother let alone woman. Already her big sister was coming up and giving her sister hugs and kisses after just two weeks of a new baby in the house.

I feel angry about it all today. Angry that IF has taken over my life for the last nineteen months and angry that it will dominate my life for a few more months yet. Sometimes I feel as though my upcoming surgery is part of the bigger picture and things might really start falling into place afterwards. Other times I feel as though it could be the beginning of the end of the road for me. I don't know of course what'll happen next. I know I'm meant to have the surgery, that's about it.

It's ANZAC Day here in New Zealand tomorrow which means a public holiday. My Mum and partner are coming down to their holiday home which is about twenty minutes from us so we're going to stay a couple of nights. We really need some time together as a family. Since I started going to the gym and working on Sundays, we've lost some family time. We're also hoping to leave our daughter with Nana too at some point so my husband and I can go on a date. I appreciate some "us" time is always crucial in a marriage with children but even more so when IF is part of the marriage. Life is short so I want to make the most of opportunities like this to enjoy what I have.

A Day With The MOOs

It's school holidays here in New Zealand. My daughter's swimming and music classes have stopped but playgroup is still running. However yesterday I decided not to take her to playgroup and spontaneously phoned up a couple of MOO friends from our antenatal class for a catch-up.

It ended up being a great thing to do. I think both my daughter and I appreciated a change in routine and she got on well with the other two little girls (one of which she sees weekly anyway). I could feel the tension melting away as I walked in a different direction to playgroup to meet my MOO friends at the playground! Although playgroup has and still is a great place for my daughter, it has been a challenging environment to be in for this SI since it is infested with MOTs, MOTHS and MOFs.

I was chatting with one of the MOOs yesterday about how bored and lonely our girls get at home and how they have clicked that home is often where other children aren't. My daughter has said "yucky home" after a short outing once, clearly not done with being out and about. But we discussed how when there is just one child you have to work a little harder with lots of playdates etc to keep the child happy socially.

On Monday night I was chatting to a MOT as we were setting our bikes up for a spinning class. She had a twelve and a thirteen old and said they pretty much just entertained themselves when they were small. I commented that with one child I was very often the playmate. It seems hard for the average MOT, MOTH, or MOF to comprehend just how hard it can be to keep a child on their own stimulated. No doubt this is because all they know is the chaos of two or more children.

I met up with another MOO friend last night for something to eat and a chick flick outing. It was great - I really enjoyed a girlie outing. I do cherish my MOO friends as I don't feel like the odd one out and obviously we are faced with similar issues. Also we are in different places in our lives. Us MOOs are out doing night-courses, going to the gym etc whereas most MOTs and MOTHs I know are a lot more house-bound.

I don't intentionally estrange myself from my MOT friends. The truth is I seem to have gravitated towards my local MOO friends at this time apart from my MOT-neighbour who I see regularly. There is a different dynamic with MOTs and MOOs and us MOOs are a lot more flexible in our schedules so coordinating a get-together is pretty simple. However I am planning to drop in on a MOT friend this morning who had her second baby just a couple of weeks ago which I'm looking forward to. I also am catching up with two other MOT friends these holidays whose school term weeks are pretty busy. I find with MOTs and MOTHs that I often travel to them - they hardly come to me which makes sense, I guess, since I just have one child to cart around.

I have found some peace around my surgery. I've been thinking how my ovary is the size of a walnut and this cyst could be around the size of a tennis ball so it's not surprising really that things aren't working as they should with my poor ovary being overshadowed like that!

The Lonely Infertility

I read yesterday somewhere that secondary infertility has been referred to as "the lonely infertility." I could only find one link around that but thought it was very apt. As was another link which referred to SI as being stuck between fertile and infertile worlds. (These are referred on the left under related reading).

Both of these descriptions are very true. SIs end up for the most part outcast from PIs as it is very hard for the average PI to comprehend a SIs pain. Some do "get it", but my experience is they have been in the minority. There is a lot of resentment towards the SI in many PI circles. For this reason even within internet forums, the SI's often form their own communities.

The SIs fertile peers either don't want to know, cannot identity at all, or think the SI is fine as she appears "okay". Meanwhile the fertiles inadvertently flaunt their bumps or siblings complete with stories in front of the SI, blissfully unaware of just how painful it is for the SI to hear about Johnny and Brad's latest squabble. Or how the sight of a preschooler hugging a baby sister or brother is the ultimate form of heartbreak for a SI.

For these reasons secondary infertility is a very lonely road to be on. The SI is stuck in no-mans land between two opposing worlds and she doesn't fit in either of them.

But what I'm learning is that friends, family, and acquaintances all help in their own small ways. I have a couple of friends that want to be there for me that don't/can't understand IF. They try to gain some insight by reading my blog and that means so much to me. But most friends/family/acquaintances don't attempt to connect with me around IF, or if they do, it is very infrequently so I've had to accept that a connection around IF isn't going to happen, on the most part with most people.

Every time someone within my social circle asks about IF I am appreciative of that. Some of the Playgroup Mums check in with me fairly regularly around IF so it is a form of support. Often it never feels like enough but I have to remember those outside The World Of IF are doing the very best they can with the knowledge they have. It always comes back to the fact that fellow SIs are the women who are able to support one another the best. But even that is lonely, in a way. For me, that means being part of a SI community on the internet. I truly value the support I get from Dailystrength but feel somehow being part of such a community has made me feel even more isolated from those I love in my everyday life.

Little Wister

First thing this morning my daughter said to me "Little wister! Little wister!" I was stumped for a few seconds, wondering where this was coming from. Then a few moments later a "Little wister book!" followed. Oh! I thought to myself - it was a reference to a Spot's Baby Sister book that we have. My heart didn't break like it might have. I feel at this point I have absolutely no idea if a Little Wister (or Brudder!) will come along. Maybe, maybe not. I am obviously not meant to know for a little bit longer.

A New Compassion

Yesterday at work I was chatting to a customer who mentioned her daughter had triplets that were turning eight that day. The usual comments were passed around having that many children at once. Then out of the blue she said "IVF." Instead of having nothing to say like I might have in my pre-IF days, I was able to say "Good on her." In the nod that followed I could see that even though these three children were now eight years old, all that it had taken to get them here was not forgotten by their grandmother. "It's not easy, is it?" I smiled at her and when she nodded again, with strong emotions in her eyes, I knew that she had received some compassion from me. I guess that's something isn't it. My experience with IF has given me a new compassion not just for infertiles but for those affected by the ride.

IF does impact friends and families of the infertile and can be destructive if not monitored carefully. There doesn't seem to be a graceful way to live with IF as it is filled with many bumps along the way which unfortunately often our nearest and dearest feel, (not obviously in the same way as us), but they still feel all the same.

Several families of four came into work yesterday. As always I felt a pang when I saw siblings coming in together with their Mums and Dads, but it didn't tear me apart. I think with my surgery coming up in just over two weeks, a lot of my IF baggage has been pushed aside. I just want to keep healthy and fit so I'm in the best possible shape both physically and emotionally so I'll have a speedy recovery - or at least, will bounce back relatively easily. I've got three weeks off work but may need more - I will be keeping in touch with them around that.

I had a massage last night which was (approximately) my 19th month anniversary of TTC. It was bliss and I'm really going to try to have massages more regularly. It seems that now is a time of self-care and not much else. It's certainly a time of trusting once again that God has it all sorted and all I need to do is follow His lead.

Women's intuition

AF arrived last night, at Day 27 on my cycle so that's the third period I've had in a row in three months! No big deal, you may think to yourself. But remember, I didn't have a period for over six months! So to have regular cycles is a big deal for me. It will be interesting to see what next month brings cycle-wise. The Provera seems to have regulated my cycles - if not the Clomid. Not sure if that played a part or not.

IF is a time of great mystery, it would seem. I'm pretty sure I did ovulate last cycle on Clomid, but I didn't on the first round of Clomid. I never got a chance to mention this to my gyno. I guess it wouldn't make much difference as far as the cyst goes - it still needs to come out. As my gyno put it "it's not going away by itself."

The Cyst Episode has been another lesson about women's intuition for me. When I was carrying my daughter at 37 weeks and I had unexplained pain on my right side for three weeks off and on, I knew it was unrelated to my pregnancy. But as a first-time Mum I felt many of the health professionals that I turned to at that time just thought I was exaggerating some kind of pregnancy discomfort - even though I was vomiting green bile and couldn't move when the pain stuck.

I was finally admitted into A & E when I was a few days off my due date. The mystery pain settled a little with the pain killers I was given and my midwife wanted to discharge me but I had to fight to stay in hospital. Luckily I did as just hours later my daughter was delivered via an emergency c-section and the culprit was found shortly afterwards - my right ovary that had twisted on itself and had to be removed. I could see it on the faces of the staff at the hospital that a torted ovary was the last thing they thought was wrong with me. I wasn't completely shocked. I knew something wasn't right at all to be experiencing such severe pain.

With The Cyst Episode I knew late last year that something was amiss with me hormonally. I hadn't had a proper period for so long and my abs were bloated a lot. I'd recently lost 6/7kg and had had a flat stomach for a bit so it didn't make sense that I should have a bloated stomach all of a sudden. My Dr at the time did an internal examination and did refer me on for an ultrasound as she picked up that something wasn't right. However I did have to push for the ultrasound. Sure enough a cyst was revealed, as I expected (after all the research I did on the internet around cysts) and my gyno decided to go ahead with the Clomid anyway. I felt it was probably going to be a waste of time putting me on the Clomid as my body has felt "off" with this cyst all along. I have always thought the cyst was probably playing a bigger part in the whole IF side of things than deemed.

Anyway, now that Clomid has failed to bring on ovulation (for the first round at least) and the cyst has grown, my gyno of course wants to remove the cyst. So my operation will be next month - that is five months after the cyst was originally found on the first ultrasound. It's not a long period of time, but long enough in the IF game.

The point is, us women know our bodies well. It pays to push for what feels right as the bottom-line is, doctors don't always get it right. This certainly applies to IF.

Possibly facing motherhood in my 40's

Granted some kind of miracle happens, I'm now looking at becoming a Mum for the second time in my 40's. I was 35 when I got pregnant with my daughter - and 36 when she was born. Back then I thought that was old. Seems young now! I'll be 40 in four months time (at the end of August).

For the last few weeks I've been thinking a bit more seriously about how I might celebrate that milestone. I had gotten to the point where I thought I would organise at the very least a dinner if not drinks, and a bit of dancing. For a while I had wondered about planning celebrations too far ahead, not knowing what my emotional state might be then. But I'm pretty sure I'll be okay and believe 40 is an age to celebrate. Hopefully I'll be pretty much recovered from my surgery by then.

Yesterday at Music class, a MOT's Mum commented how having a baby over the age of 35 was very risky. She brought this up as her daughter had just had her second child in her late thirties around a week ago and she'd been genuinely worried about her. But that comment made my blood boil. Of course the woman has no idea that I'm TTC, TTO - whatever! Circumstances are different for all of us, but I'm pretty sure many women who are facing motherhood in their 40s didn't particularly want it to happen then.

I had really hoped I'd be pregnant again by the time I was 40. I'd kind of had it in my head that my thirties were my time of settling down - getting married and having children. Setting up my domestic life as such. Now my family plans have been dragged into the next decade. I guess I wanted it to be a new chapter - a new start. I know it still can be. Perhaps a new chapter with two children? Who knows.

I'm feeling sick in the stomach right now. Quite nervous about the surgery. I had some tears with my husband last night. I do have many fears about the operation. Why couldn't the cyst have just disappeared by itself? It was only three years ago that I last had abdominal surgery and it took a very long time to completely heal from that. I know at least I have experience behind me but I'm not sure that makes me feel any more prepared!

Until I had my daughter I had never stayed in a hospital and they aren't my favourite places. I just feel like holding on tight to both my daughter and husband right now as I'm going to have to stay at hospital for at least two nights. On one hand, it will be a good and necessary rest but for the most part, I'd rather be at home.

Deep breaths!

What is God playing at though? Here I have been struggling for so long with the emotional side of living with IF. I get myself sorted and get really into the gym and get a job then whammo - it's all been taken away. Only temporarily, I know. But still. However I'm going to take it as a positive that being more physically fit this time round is going to help my recovery. I found links that support that theory. Although one is focused on surgery in obese patients and the other to do with arthritis surgery, they are still relevant to my case, I believe.

I suppose I can look at this time at the gym as being a time of preparing my body for surgery. I will have to start all over again after surgery but my recovery might be faster than I think. Last time I had just had a baby and pregnancy of course takes it's toll on the body - let alone pregnancy and an operation (c-section/ovary removal) at the same time.

So technically I'm estimating I won't be TTO again for at least two more months. It's one month to surgery then a few weeks of recovery at least after surgery. I tell you, after a c-section, I certainly didn't want to do you know what in the bedroom for quite some time...

The incision this time round is smaller than a c-section. It's still considered difficult surgery to recover from since it's abdominal surgery, but it's only one operation this time and obviously a baby isn't being delivered at the same time.

What a strange place to be in. If I thought I was in standstill mode before I was wrong - I am certainly now. Hopefully this means I'll be back in the game and in really good form fertility-wise once I'm recovered. I get from God that now is a time of rest and healing. So I will keep on keeping on til my surgery - making the most of the gym while I can.

Surgery in three weeks!

My gyno phoned me today. That's right, phoned me! Apparently you get a direct phone-call when the ultrasound results come in. The cyst is now 6.5cm - it was 5cm in December and the bottom-line is it is coming out. I'm having abdominal surgery on May 8th - in three weeks time.

I am still in shock. It's good news in some respects. But I had a cry after the surgery was booked in as I do still have residual issues about the surgery I had when my daughter was delivered. Believe me, it wasn't easy recovering from a c-section and an ovary being removed at the same time. My gyno can't just do a laparoscopy as because I only have one ovary, it's important the whole cyst is removed properly. I think that's the reason. To be honest I was in shock when he phoned on two accounts that : 1. he phoned and 2. I'm having surgery that I wasn't able to ask the questions I have now. Some notes are being mailed my way soon but as far as I know - there is no consult. It is downright scarey!

I am bummed out that I won't be able to go the gym for a bit. I can put my membership on hold for up to three months if I want. I think the recovery will be similar to my c-section and it was around six weeks, as recommended, that I started going for longer walks etc. Obviously I'm going to have to give up my cardio classes and won't be lifting weights for a bit. I'm not sure about work - I may not be able to work for a couple of weeks. Once the notes come through I will call my gyno's surgery if anything is unclear. Surely they can't just expect me to rock up for surgery feeling pretty clueless about the operation. I found a useful link about recovering from ovarian cyst removal surgery.

Anyway, it's good that something is being done about the cyst. But now I'm not even TTO! - let alone TTC. I'm out of the game completely for a while, it would seem. Sigh.

My gyno does think the cyst is impacting my fertility - but it's not known for certain. Obviously no more Clomid until the cyst is removed.

I'm feeling a bit raw. I was grateful that friend no. 1 phoned me after I texted her and that other friends texted me back too. I guess my biggest fear is that my only ovary may be under threat - like last time. One theory is a cyst that was on my right ovary may have caused it to twist when I was pregnant with my daughter which is why it was removed. Plus my daughter was sitting on the same side that the cyst and ovary were. But it's really not clear why my right ovary twisted on itself. Noone really knows.

I know God is looking out for me for sure. I definitely felt His presence today. It's a long road this one I'm on. But I'm being led somewhere, which is better than nowhere. The answers will come in time.

Day 26

Well I'm day 26 in my cycle and my temperature has remained low for the last two days. It was very interesting how I got a temperature rise for four days though. Man, I'm not sure what to do about my next cycle. I have another prescription for Clomid but don't want to waste my time taking it if it isn't working and then don't want to miss a cycle just in case it is.

Oh God, I'm going to have to make contact with The Snarky Receptionist (at my gyno's surgery) aren't I, even if I don't get an answer to the above, I need to try. Groan!

I spoke to a MOF-to-be at Playgroup yesterday who conceived her second child on her sixth round of Clomid. I keep her updated every few weeks about progress. She wasn't ever really a textbook SI, as she conceived her second child under a year of TTC, however she still had to turn to fertility drugs. It's interesting she went on to have her third - and fourth child naturally! (And her first was conceived naturally too). Women and their hormones!

I have officially become a gym junkie! I think it's for all the right reasons though. It's not about weight loss for me as I don't need to lose weight. In fact, it's been so freeing joining a gym and to not have fat-burning as my drive for going there. I am enjoying getting more toned, cardio-fit and having this regular time-out for me! Exercise is definitely of huge benefit to any infertile, I'm sure.

I love my exercise regime - something different every session. Monday night is Spinning (cycling on a stationary bike), Wednesday is Bodycombat (kickboxing, martial arts), Thursdays I do weights and then Bodybalance (pilates yoga, and tai chai) and Friday is Bodyjam (hip hop dancing). That's four times a week and I'm thinking of adding Sunday mornings on the way to work for another weights session. However I aim to mainly go three times a week to get three cardio work-outs in and the fourth Bodybalance class is a bonus really, as would be weights on a Sunday.

I did Bodybalance last night after a weights session and it was bliss. The stretching and poses that come with Yoga and Pilates are just heavenly. And of course the relaxation at the end (lying on the mat for eight minutes or so) is just the icing on the cake.

I know a few Mums that go to the same gym and saw a few there last night, all escaping from family life and doing something for themselves for an hour or two. They are all MOTs and MOTHs, but when their children aren't physically in tow it doesn't matter. We are all just simply women working out.

If I

If I ever get a BFP, I will be smiling on the inside (and the outside) for the rest of that pregnancy, if not for the rest of my life.

If I get pregnant again, I will be referring to my pregnancy textbooks in the same way I did with my first as I waited for too long, and worked too hard to just regard this as another pregnancy to be shelfed in the background.

If I fall pregnant, I will cherish all that pregnancy brings. All the aches and pains, nausea, discomfort and the tiredness shall be reminders that I have being blessed with the baby I thought might not come my way.

If I have another child, it will be photographed just as much as the first as I had anticipated being a one-child family and the second child's presence in our home will be truly celebrated.

If I have two children, I will embrace all that two children brings - fighting siblings, finances that are stretched even further, even less time to myself, and a very cosy two bedroomed home.

If I become a MOT, I will never forget the PIs and SIs I have met and will make my experience readily available to share with any infertiles who want to hear it.

If I get another shot at motherhood, my faith in God will be restored. However if I don't get another shot at motherhood, God will bless me in other ways, and some insight as to why this didn't happen for me will be given. Life will go on and I will accept the final outcome in time as I learn from this.

Infertility is like...

Infertility is like chasing a carrot on a stick. It is an exhausting race to get that BFP, as it is a continuous moving target.

Perhaps ovulation occurred?

I'm day 25 in my cycle and over the last five days (excluding today), I've had a significant temperature rise so have wondered if I did in fact ovulate. I didn't see any fertile mucus and didn't use a predictor kit as I thought this was a cycle that was pretty much a write-off given I was still on the 50mg of Clomid (that failed to bring on ovulation the first time round). But I did a search on the internet and it turns out some women don't ovulate every cycle on Clomid. In some cases the bloods are done in two consecutive cycles to check whether this is the case.

My charts have been erratic for months and the current cycle I'm on is the first one in which I've had an obvious temperature rise around the time I should. Of course with the sharp drop in temperature today I'm expecting AF will show up within the next few days. However I did think, maybe, just maybe I could be...Only because I still have the chart from when I conceived my daughter and this cycle this time round has looked very similar to that one - until today.

It was nice to believe for a few days that there was a possibility I could be pregnant - even if it was a very small chance.

I'm continuing to declutter the house. I bagged up some of my old maternity gear yesterday. I kept some of it just in case. I was around 5/6 kg heavier when I conceived my daughter so most of the gear I have is (probably) going to be too big should I get pregnant. But I kept the more expensive items like jeans and three-quarter pants. It feels good to get rid of it, actually. I was sick of that stretched, and somewhat ugly maternity gear taking up space in my wardrobe.

I've been processing a bit of stuff from my counseling session on Tuesday night. IF, I believe, has taken it's toll on our family life over the last few months - even if only subtly. As mentioned recently in a post, I am The Organiser in many of my relationships. I am also The Go-To Girl. As in, I travel to friends and family to keep contact up. This means most trips away during the year are centred around catching up with loved ones.

Our family trips around the last two Christmases have been up to the North Island to catch up with friends and family. I've always declared how important it is to keep up regular contact with those out of town. I still believe this is so however this Go To Girl is going to retire from that role for this Christmas, at least.

I've realised some family healing needs to happen in a sense after the months of intensity IF has brought to our household. So we've decided that this Christmas we will take a family holiday away here locally - maybe to Golden Bay or somewhere in the South Island just for us. We need some fun and adventure and it will be great to do something different. It's time to put energy back into my home-life as it exists today.

IF, the ultimate conversation killer

IF can be a taboo subject mainly because people on the most part just don't know what to say when the topic is brought up. I certainly don't go round spilling my IF guts out to everyone who crosses my path. However I figure being among Mums all week, I am surely in the company of women who may possibly be a bit more open to hearing about IF. Afterall, these are women who obviously had maternal urges at some point so the strong desire to bear children must be understood on some level. But it continues to amaze me how many Mums just stare at me blankly, lost for words if IF is brought up. I don't get it. Simple, put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if you couldn't conceive that second , third or fourth child by your side?

It's like dealing with death - for some that is very awkward and therefore it's often easiest to not say anything. My coworker lost her Dad last week and she was at work on Sunday. She was half-laughing about how she was sick of people asking her if she wanted a cup of tea and that her mother's freezer was full of home-baking. I said that's what people did when someone died as often they didn't know what else to do. It's the socially acceptable away of noting you care.

Sometimes I'm not sure if my IF stuff makes others uncomfortable so I don't bring it up. And then I'm pretty sure it goes the other way too - others don't bring it up for fear it makes me uncomfortable! So more than often my IF progress is not noted out there by most of the Mums I cross paths with. Even a MOT friend I can talk with quite freely around lots of topics, including the worrying health decline of her mother recently is silenced when I bring up IF. I often get a "Oh" in response to my latest IF update. I only fill her in every few months or so but the conversation is ended abruptly once IF is mentioned.

Does someone need to write a book on how to converse with infertiles?! I did read in an excellent post about being a good friend to an infertile, that there isn't anything right you can say to an infertile and I believe that much is true. It is very hard from the outside to gauge where an infertile may be in her journey. I certainly go through phases of being stuck in it/letting go of it/ feeling okay with it. So sometimes I don't want to be asked about IF! Sometimes I just want to cherish the fact that I am enjoying what I am doing right then and there and really don't want to give an IF update. Other days I would everything for someone, anyone, to acknowledge my invisible heart-ache.

Now how is an outsider meant to guess this? They can't. One friend once greeted me with "How are you today?" I thought that was a great way to approach things - it gave me a choice as to whether I wanted to go there with IF or not.

Last counseling session tonight

It was my fourth counseling session in about two months tonight. It went well and I felt I had gotten to a point where I was happy to stop the sessions. In the two months I went to counseling, The World Of IF went from being just that - my world - to becoming just part of my world. Although I know I will continue to get triggered/have feelings/bad days/tears etc around IF, I feel that I have some perspective now that life goes on - namely, my life. I may pick up counseling again later around some issues that have come up, separate to IF. But for now I feel I have sorted through quite a lot of emotional terrain.

I'm just so tired so early in the evenings these days. I've still not adjusted to the end of daylight saving, I don't think. But it has been nice putting on the electric blanket and going to bed early. Yesterday I bought my daughter some new sneakers and slippers and myself some slippers. I am such a Nana as after being caught in the rain yesterday in town, all I wanted to do was get home and put on my new fluffy pink slippers!

I was on morning tea at Playgroup today so it was a morning of baking and peeling and cutting several carrots. For those regular readers you may remember that we've had some behavioural issues with our daughter so I've had to "shadow" her in all social situations for around two months. However today because I was on morning tea, I gave her a much wider berth. I think she's getting there. She was absolutely fine. I still personally believe because she's an only-child she doesn't have siblings to squabble with so tests the water a lot socially with other kids. I was on morning tea with a MOTH who agreed with that theory, while complaining about sibling rivalry. For this SI, the sound of siblings squabbling in my home would be like music to my ears!

Today I didn't feel so bitter when surrounded by all the MOTs, MOTHs and MOFs. I'm always aware of my SI status, of course, but somehow it didn't sting so much. My neighbours eight month old daughter reached out to me today which made me melt. I like to think we have a special wee bond. It is nice that my neighbour entrusts me with her daughters and that I get frequent baby-hugs.

I tried a spinning class (cycling) last night at the gym. It was hard but I enjoyed it and will make spinning part of my weekly gym programme. I have become quite the gym bunny which has surprised me as I haven't been really into the gym scene for a long time. It's given me a focus - a positive one and it's been great to be reunited with an aspect of my pre-Mummy self.

Cyst still there

I went for a pelvic ultrasound today and yep, the cyst is still there. The radiologist reckoned it was still around 5cm. I'm not sure what to think. On one hand it might possibly shed some light on my IF. On the other hand, it might have nothing to do with it. Guess I have to just wait til I get my next letter from the gyno who will determine whether increasing the Clomid dosage is appropriate or not. I really don't know what the next step will be.

I'm been feeling Gods Will in my day lately and it is helping me let go of the bigger picture. It feels like my hands are off for now. There are new focuses coming my way beyond The World Of IF. God does have other plans for me, I am getting a sense of that now. But right now, it's a time of nurturing and taking it easy. I don't need to push to make other areas of my life flourish. It will happen quite easily, when it's time.

Today when I lay on the hospital bed for my ultrasound my daughter gently touched my hair, as she does sometimes and said Beautiful Mummy a few times. She often says that when I put her to bed at night but at that particular moment, it was truly special. It was such a tender moment and I feel incredibly blessed to have a daughter that I have a very strong emotional connection with.

I have been feeling some gratitude towards the medical world. I mean if it weren't for modern medical technology, I would be oblivious to the fact there's even a cyst in there. So at least it's a factor to be taken into consideration. Every time I go up to Nelson hospital I am reminded of my daughter's entrance into the world. It is very likely that without modern medicine myself and perhaps my daughter may not have survived her delivery. The emergency c-section saved her life and the removal of my ovary shortly afterwards may have saved mine. I'll never know for sure, but God came through on that one with impeccable timing.

I visited friend no. 4 last week and she commented that it was all going to work out in the end. I agree. I am going to get my happy ending. It just may possibly be an ending quite different to the one I had envisioned.

God, I just want to be okay

It's been an emotional three days or so with lots of tears. The tears have been cleansing, as always, so I'm feeling a lot lighter. My last big cry (for now) was early yesterday morning. Later that morning I took my daughter for a walk in her buggy in the glorious Autumn sunshine to the motorcamp. It's a walk we've done a lot over the last few years. I let her out once we're in the motorcamp and she has a big romp around then a play in the playground there. It is a place where I find peace and therefore is often where I connect with God. Yesterday morning I prayed/begged God, I just want to be okay. Okay with IF. Okay with the final outcome (whatever that is). Okay with my feelings when they come up.

Luckily my Higher Power had a busy afternoon planned for me. I was invited to a Christening for a one year old by a woman I did my Small Business Management Course with last year. So I went along (alone) and was pleased to see another couple of people from my course there. It was good to be reminded of some other non-Mum connections I have out there and of the fact that actually last year, which was my first whole year of the IF game, I completed a business course. So I haven't been rotting away completely!

Afterwards I went home and picked up my daughter and took her to the birthday party that followed at a local hotel here in Tahuna. It took my breath away! I have never been to such an extravagant children's birthday party. It was on the scale of a wedding with place-names and a full lunch. Children's entertainment included a clown, face-painting, and a magician (and his assistant). The theme was a fairy one and it was well done with bright pink and green decorations everywhere, a fairy-cake, and fairy party-hats. The birthday girl had three wardrobe changes!

Both my daughter and I were dumbstruck when we first walked in. When I said we were going to a party she was expecting a handful of kids dancing around to High Five with balloons scattered everywhere as per her party. But she enjoyed herself and got her face painted as a cat - very cute. She got lots of frights during the magic act though as a rabbit and birds appearing from nowhere made her jump a few times!

The thing is, in the midst of my big cry yesterday morning I contemplated not going to the Christening or birthday party. But it was a great thing for me to do for myself and for the family who'd invited me. I felt truly honoured to be there as it's not a family I know well at all.

My ex-classmates asked me when our catch-up was going to be as at the end of the course last year I took all the names and numbers down and said I'd organise something. I'm not sure why this often happens - I seem to end up as The Organiser for getting groups of people together. Partly because I like it, as it's a natural attribute - and partly because others somehow gravitate towards me organising things. I am often the glue in group situations and often in friendships. I often am the one who emails/phones/texts. Yet when I come unstuck - like I have with IF - my role as The Organiser falls away and then so do many of my social networks.

However I promised that within the month I'll organise a get-together for my ex-classmates. I have the same dynamic with my antenatal class. Whenever I've bumped into any of them individually they often ask when we're meeting up next. However I'm the only SI in a group full of MOTs. There are a couple of MOOs thrown in - neither who are TTC. But all in all, it is a little much for me at this point to organise a catch-up with women who I started my motherhood journey with. It seems the older the second children get, the worse it is somehow. I thought it was just babies that triggered me but it is more the whole two-sibling thing.

I have booked a full-body massage in for next Sunday night which I'm soooo looking forward to. I haven't had one for months and it used to be a once-a-month habit pre-motherhood. Incidentally my massage is on my (approximate) "anniversary" of 19 months of TTC and is also when AF is due. I was thinking I wouldn't mind making that a monthly tradition again for around that date. I might not have a BFP to look forward to for a while (if at all), so a massage in the wings every month would be nice!

Last night we had another computer-free Saturday (as per last Saturday night) and watched Hairspray, kindly loaned to me by a friend. I loved it! It was fun, inspiring and just well done. I'm The Organiser in my marriage as well, and have recognised lately how important it is for us to get back to our once-a-week date nights.

I had a great nights sleep last night as I was in bed by 9.30pm. My daughter got up at 6.30am so it was like a sleep-in after the last week of 5am (or earlier!) starts. I am okay today. So thanks for the prayers and virtual hugs - I am sure they helped heaps.

Feeling left behind

One of the worst aspects of living with IF, is feeling as though life is passing me by. Occasionally I move out of that space and live in the Now and all that. Even so, living in the Now means I concentrate on my daily and weekly activities such as parenting/gym/work on Sundays. However as far as the bigger picture goes, I feel as though life is pretty much exactly the same as it was eighteen months ago.

IF can suck a lot of life out of me and for that reason there is some truth in the notion that my life overall has come to a standstill. I haven't had the energy to think about life outside IF. I want to, I'm trying to but it's a real effort to think outside The World Of IF.

MOTs, MOTHs and MOFs are hard to deal with because of the obvious, but also because life has worked out for them in one area, it has allowed them to carry on with life in other areas. I know several MOTs-to-be and MOTs who are either planning their next move work-wise or have made some life changes already because their families are complete. That is what is so damn frustrating about IF - the feeling of being in a standstill position for a painfully long period of time.

In counseling recently I did discover that I could develop some short-term goals. I'm getting there around putting some energy back into creative pursuits and/or work. But the truth is I just haven't really got it in me right now to put much energy elsewhere. Half the time I feel as though I am just in survival mode with IF.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm not in a good place. I know I'm tired as that was the third night this week the lights were out by 9pm.

IF sucks. I hate it. I don't want to be here. I'm in total non-acceptance around my situation so there is not one ounce of peace in my heart. But I will get there again - I will once again accept the unacceptable. Please pray for me or send me a virtual hug. I really could do with some prayers and hugs right now.

In an IF Slump

Groan. Seems to be the way it is with this IF journey - sometimes it just all catches up on you. I have been making a real effort to live in the Now but my feelings have gotten the better of me. I think finding yesterday's letter from the obstetrician who delivered my daughter (see old medical records) brought up a lot of stuff. BTW I phoned my gyno's surgery today and The Snarky Receptionist said they had the letter so that's a relief. I always feel about two foot tall when I phone her - like every query I have is just plainly ridiculous. Grrrr!

I want to be positive and believe it could happen for me - you know, conception, but it just feels a bit unrealistic right now given I'm not even ovulating. It just makes me so mad that I'm completely powerless over TTO. Sigh.

There are two breeds of Mums out there that have been in my face this week. That is MOTHs (Mums-of-three) and MOFs (Mums-of-four). Nelson is a provincial town in New Zealand and families of three or four children are quite common. In my Mum circles that I've been frequenting for the last two and a half years, several Mums are pregnant with their third or fourth children!

Today I formally met my neighbour as our two girls were checking each other out over the fence. She's a MOTH. Another neighbour is a MOTH with older children and down the road there's a MOF. Now I don't want to be a MOTH or a MOF but should twins or multiples happen by some absolute miracle, then I would embrace that. At my daughter's Music class there are several MOTHs-to-be and one MOF-to-be. It is hard when their first children are my daughter's age and then there's one in between and then another on the way. It just illustrates how life really goes on for some women while mine just feels so stagnant. I just feel like I am in the quick-sand half the time, sinking, while all the rest of the Mums are just getting on with their lives.

I just feel peeved today that my womanhood - my right as a woman to bear children is at stake. It's not fair, it's not right and I don't feel like trying to search for the silver lining in the cloud today. I need to vent!

Perhaps I'm having an emotional backlash as a friend at my daughter's Music class had her second child on Sunday. She was there with her first child today and looked so radiant, at peace and happy. I was genuinely happy for her though. When she entered the room with her missing-bump, I gave her a big hug. I was really rapt for her. Yet at the same time it tore me apart hearing her talk to her daughter about her little sister.

Today my daughter had a nap so I watched an English talk back show on tele. It was about inspirational women. Some had survived set-backs in life such as being born without limbs, and one woman was a foster Mum to seven Downs Syndrome kids (the eighth child had some other condition). It is amazing when people can raise above what could drag them down. I guess IF is so unique in that until you get that ending, some kind of conclusion, you are just hanging in there. I really don't think it's possible to not feel all these rocky emotions that come up. I hope I don't go to the dark place I did a few months ago with it all - I am determined to keep myself afloat. But is that as good as it gets with IF for me? I want to be more than just treading water right now.

Old medical records

Yesterday I thought I'd sort out my daughter's wardrobe. I have been slowly sorting the house out as I've found it's been a great way to keep me focused in the Now. However yesterday wasn't the best day as with the end of daylight saving on Sunday, my daughter has been awake before 5am every morning this week. Some days she's napped. Yesterday it was just a half hour nap in the buggy so no nap for me. As a result I was not in a good space, operating in sleep deprivation mode. It was a day in which the toilet-training took a backward step and my daughter seemed to pee on everything and everywhere. "Yucky toilet!" was exclaimed every time I attempted to lure her to the loo and there was no way her little white butt was going to sit down on the potty.

So I was fried emotionally. Then I came across a pile of notes from antenatal classes, baby classes etc from our local Parent Centre at the top of her wardrobe. I threw them all out. I haven't looked at them in yonks and if there is another baby I'm sure I'll access that information from my own experience or other means. Still, it is always a little emotional throwing baby-related stuff out.

Anyway, in the midst of this pile of notes was a letter from the obstetrician who delivered our daughter to my midwife and Dr. The last paragraph interested me:
"Should Lynda have any problems conceiving she should be referred promptly for diagnostic laparaoscopy to check that there are no adhesions formed on the left. She is probably at a very slightly increased risk of ectopic pregnancy compared to the general population and this should be discussed with her at her six week check. She should have an ultrasound scan when her period is one week late when she conceives to ensure an intrauterine pregnancy. Histology confirms a simple cyst on the right ovary with torsion of the tube and ovary."

Now admittedly I probably should have kept these notes within my "infertility folder" that I have with my blood results etc. They are birth records but still, it is undoubtedly because of the fact I lost an ovary when my daughter was delivered via an emergency c-section that I am in the situation I am today fertility-wise. I got so very angry when I read this letter. This obstertrician "warned" me when my daughter arrived - that I better get on to it if I wanted another child as (her words) I could enter menopause early. However midst the fog of a general anesthetic, this wasn't information I was able to fully digest.

So she knew! She knew what my fate was. All along it has been preempted that I might have problems conceiving yet I feel the Drs I've been in contact with since haven't made the crucial link between my past and current health history. How sick am I of hearing "plenty of woman with one ovary conceive." Maybe they do, but not me! Not easily!

I bawled after I read this letter. I haven't read it since becoming a SI, so it hurt. And it was like having the truth written in black and white. I wasn't able to use the same obstertrician as she doesn't work privately, only at the hospital for deliveries there. She's meant to be one of the best. So is my current obstertrician/gynaecologist, I am assured. I'm not sure whether he has these notes though - I can't keep up with notes being passed on and who has what. I guess I will have to make a call to the snarky receptionist at his surgery to check. Oh joy!

Like I say, it has been an exhausting week. I was in bed at 8.30pm last night. I had a really sore stomach actually and had to take two pandol which knocked me out. I said to my husband it was probably just exhaustion/stress. It reminded us both of the undiagnosed pain I had three weeks before our daughter arrived that turned out to be a torted ovary. I guess I haven't had any pain that has come close to that for three years. After reading that letter, I'm feeling a little mistrusting of the whole health system all over again. And annoyed that I have to put my trust in them. Like it comes down to the luck of the draw - that hopefully I am landed with competent health professionals who will get to the bottom of this. I have to trust that God either has or will eventually lead me to the right people.

TTO

I've been thinking lately how I'm not so much TTC (trying to conceive), as in TTO (trying to ovulate). I kind of have to ovulate before I can even TTC. Who knows when I even last ovulated? It could be eight months or more ago. I've no idea, I've lost track. So contrary to what the less enlightened might think around this whole IF deal, for some of us it doesn't mean we're clocking up the hours in the bedroom at all.

Nope, TTO involves a lot of time in limbo. If only I had the luxury of TTC every month! I guess my fear is that I won't ovulate again. If so I wish that had been worked out way back when. I really don't want to go through months of all this only to be told that I am in menopause!

But, everything happens for a reason and all that. I'm meant to be going through this time of TTO, frustrating as it is. God must think there must be a chance it could happen as I don't believe God is cruel. Surely He wouldn't have me hanging on by a thread, hoping I'll ovulate some day for nothing. Would he?

IF - an invisible condition

Recently I described IF as being an invisible condition. It isn't the sort of "diagnosis" that is obvious to the naked eye. Us secondary infertiles blend into the world of Mums and bumps. Yet many of us feel estranged from the Mums parading around us with their two children or more. Bumps thrust in front of us are always a painful reminder of what hasn't happened up to this point.

This morning I was in a good space at Playgroup. I felt present, and happy. Then a Mum-of-two (MOT) told me she was pregnant with her third child! The wind was blown out of my sails then and there. What?! I was thinking. But your second child is only just over a year old, that is so unfair!! I smiled brightly. Congratulations. Now please move on and leave it at that. After all this was a MOT who I had a chat with not so long about my predicament. I once even apologised to her for giving her a dramatic response to her question around me having any more kids "I can't have any more children" I said at the time. Back then I thought thinking like that would finalise things in my head. It didn't. I know better now.

Anyway, this was the woman who sympathised around things saying she had friends who had trouble conceiving their second children blah-de-blah. So I thought she'd have the decorum to stop once the congrats had been given. But no, she decided to harp on about how it was strange explaining to her son that she had a baby in her tummy. Then another MOT-to-be piped up and a discussion started up around how best to teach a preschooler there's another baby on the way. I just got up and walked away. I mean - really!!

I feel on the outside a lot at Playgroup because of my mother-of-one (MOO) status, even though I have many a friendly chat with the Mums there. The majority of Mums have more than one child. Only those with very young children are fellow MOOs, it would seem. I feel like I am in a different world to the MOTs. I so want to be able to share about two different personalities, juggling two children and all that goes with the MOT territory. MOTs have that experience that us MOOs will never have of getting another shot at motherhood and learning more the second time round. For that reason I cannot help but feel inexperienced around MOTs as I've only raised one child - what do I know? I am a former nanny and have a degree in Psych and Educ (Hons) and have worked two Summers in a children's camp in the US yet nothing beats (in my book) the hands-on experience of raising children.

It's kind of like MOOs are stuck in the freshman stage at high school and the MOTs get to move on and even graduate.

I discovered today another MOT at Playgroup goes to the same gym as me. She goes a little less as it's hard for her to make the time within family life. I commented to her that it was relatively easy with "just one". We agreed that I was pretty lucky that I could go as often as I do. (three to four times a week). Doesn't mean I want just one child! I felt like saying to this MOT who is clueless about my secondary IF status.

I had a Nana nap today which was much-needed after my daughter got up at five am. So I had enough energy to make it to the gym tonight which was great. I am loving the gym! After my work-out tonight (bike and weights) I went in the sauna for a bit. Ahhhh. The nights are getting cold here, now we're right into Autumn (Fall), so I think I'll be doing the sauna thing a bit more.

Letting My Daughter Grow Up

Now that my daughter is three, it seems many milestones of the independent kind are starting to fall into place. We've always let her get there in her own time with it all but sometimes I have wondered if the possibility she may be our only child has meant I haven't pushed her forward with some of those independent milestones for fear of letting go of my baby. I think there was a time during my IF battle when I did cling desperately to my daughter. I didn't want her to grow up too fast just in case I never got to witness another child growing up.

But now I'm embracing the next stage of my daughter's life and I don't think it's my parenting style to push. Intuitively (mainly!), we seem to know when it's time to encourage her independence.

We started toilet-training around two/three weeks ago. We've had many spills on the carpet, as you do. But yesterday our daughter did wees in the potty and then the toilet on her own! I was so very excited the first time she did it and phoned my husband and then texted friend no.1 and my parents! My husband phoned me last Sunday when he got her on the loo in time to catch an escapee poo!

My daughter is also dropping naps. This was the one time in the day she used to have a wee suckle on the boob but now that is gradually stopping. So the breast-feeding days could be over. I have been happy to breast-feed all along and knew around three we'd call it quits but it has happened so gradually, it hasn't been traumatic for either my daughter - or me!

We're moving our daughter on to cups during the day although she still has a bottle at night, and often at lunch too. So that process is slowly happening too.

I still end up in our daughter's bed every night. She has always been an unsettled sleeper. I am trying to wean myself on to the mattress on the floor next to her bed which is a very slow process but I know we'll get there with this one too.

The point is, I have accepted the fact that she's a little girl now. The highchair went out to the garage last week. I feel as though I've said goodbye to her baby years.

Going With The Flow

I'm learning to be a bit more gentle with myself at this time. Now that the computer is switched off a lot more, I've been more in tune with how shattered I often really am at night. My energy levels have been down. Last week was a busy week as I was out five nights in a row with the gym and counseling and then Sunday was a hard day at work, helping out at the cafe. So I have been pooped! I normally make spirulina smoothies daily but have run out of powdered spirulina so will get some more this week.

It was also the end of daylight saving here in New Zealand on Sunday so we're definitely thrown off in our household. My daughter's always been an early riser and now has been up 5amish the last two days!

I normally go to the gym on a Monday night but last night just really felt like staying in and blobbing in front of the tele for a bit and having an early night, so I did. Lights were out by 9pm!

I think for so long I've been in this space of fighting IF which has affected my ability to relax. But gradually all these self-care things I'm doing are starting to pay off such as the counseling, and the gym sessions.

I'm day 16 in my cycle and have noted this time round I've had some side effects with the Clomid - namely headaches and thrush. No it ain't pretty! This is another reason why I passed on the gym last night - I wasn't feeling very comfortable at all. Of course I'm not expecting to ovulate given I didn't last round of Clomid but am charting my temperature all the same.

Anyway, I do feel as though I am able to go with the flow a lot more right now. That's the whole point of living in the Now. Somehow life makes sense again even if it is only on a daily basis.

Let Go and Let God

Letting go of my baby dreams and letting God get on with the job seems to be working. I feel as though I am in a much better head space.

Yesterday at work a Mum-of-two (MOT) -to-be came in with her partner, toddler and bump. Instead of just thinking "Lucky cow. God I wish that was me!!", I stopped myself and thought "Well I don't know what's going to happen. That could be me one day." So I'm going to try thinking like that a bit more. The law of attraction thinking didn't work for me as I just think there are times when processes need to be worked through so it is impossible to constantly think "I will get pregnant!" when faced with IF and all that entails. But second-guessing God doesn't help me either. I've no idea what his Will for me is around this. It's not to guess whether or not another baby is on the way. So I'm just going to have to go with the I-don't-know-option for now!

In the meantime, other aspects of my life are getting a chance to breathe again. I've known for some time that IF has cast a shadow over the rest of my life. But today it feels as though the shadow isn't quite so big.

I am thinking again about how I might apply my writing skills in my life. This has taken a back-seat over the last few months with IF. But yesterday at work I helped out in the cafe for a bit and in the two hours I cleared tables, took orders out, and stacked the dishwasher like I did in positions I held around fifteen years ago (!), I did think that actually, I have talents I ought to be using in life. It's an okay job for now and gets me out of the house once a week, but I do feel as though God is prodding me again to start applying myself. So I'm going to start exploring how I might do this.

Trust In Me, And It'll All Work Out

I've been chatting to God the last couple of days and have asked him to really help me with all this. I am sick of being consumed by IF so I've been asking for help to let go of it all/to let go of my desire to have another child. What He keeps coming back with is Trust In Me, And It'll All Work Out. I've had this message from God before and have posted about it.

It's about leaving God's business up to God and carrying on with the rest of my life. Now by having it all work out, I still don't necessarily think that means my fairy-God mother is going to appear beaming at me sometime soon with a baby cradled in her arms! It'll all work out to me means I will find contentment and happiness and therefore peace again one day around how things pan out. I may not get pregnant again, but then I might! It's all about living in a very gray area which is incredibly hard to do. It's not a black and white yes or a no and I like to think in black and white terms so it is quite the challenge.

I have been making an effort to just embrace my life as it is today. I had a computer-free day yesterday which was good. Although I like to check into Dailystrength daily, I think sometimes checking in means I am just reminded of what I don't have all over again. Whereas yesterday I had a day in which IF was (pretty much) irrelevant to my day. It was a Saturday and my husband worked til eleven am. My daughter was up at six am and it was raining so we had a quiet but busy morning of playdough/puzzles/felt games/colouring and baking. My Mum and husband turned up about the same time so my husband had a bit of a time out and my Mum, daughter and I went into town for a couple of hours. We did go into a baby shop as my sister-in-law had a baby boy (her second child) about a month ago and I wanted to buy something little. Admittedly my feelings flared up a bit in there, as always when looking at baby clothes and toys, but I moved past them.

Yesterday I suggested to my husband that we have one computer-free night a week as we are both pretty bad at switching on the computer and going into our own little worlds. So we did this last night. I got out the DVD Shark vs Eagle which is a New Zealand flick. It's a black romantic comedy but we enjoyed it. The lead female character when making a connection with a depressed character says something like "life has some bad bits but there are lots of lovely bits in-between" which I liked, as that seems to be exactly where I'm at.

God Knows Best

It hasn't been the easiest process surrendering my baby dreams. I have to remind myself that when I hand baby number two over to God, it's about accepting His Will, whatever the outcome. That means another baby could be part of His plan for me. I seem to think I have to let go of the possibility of that even happening which isn't the case. When I think like that I only end up depressing myself. It is a hard space to get to - accepting whatever happens. That's why living with IF brings so many ups and downs - shifting from hope to hopelessness often daily is emotionally taxing.

Living in the Now seems to be helping a lot. I continue to switch my computer off during the day. That has meant I have been more focused on my daughter and our home without any distractions. We're somewhat housebound in the afternoons right now as my daughter is in the process of dropping naps and has started toilet-training. She gets so tired in the afternoons and will often crash in her buggy or in the car if we head out so we don't go far. If she naps she's up til 9pm so it's better for all of us if she misses a nap if possible. So I have been cleaning and tidying up more than usual! (including lots of wees on the carpet!)

There's been some anger sitting there even though I feel like I am surrendering on a deeper level. I still get so very angry at God! Why do I have to surrender my baby dreams? Many women have the same dreams and their desires are often met easily. It seems so very unfair that this isn't the case for me. I know when we were TTC for our daughter I surrendered the outcome to God quite easily. I told God I'd be okay whatever He decided around us starting a family. I'm trying hard to get back to that space.

I know ultimately God knows best. I have being around some intellectually-disabled children in our community the last couple of days. There is a group that we often share the spa with at the swimming pool after my daughter's swimming lessons. Two of them have the mentality of a three year old and the body of a twelve year old. That scares me as I haven't had much to do with the intellectually-disabled in my lifetime. Then yesterday at the dairy there was an adult man who was also intellectually-disabled. The dairy-owner was very good with him and obviously has him come in regularly. I have been wondering if perhaps I only have bad eggs left. I have always asked God for a healthy baby yet that might not be a possibility. I would certainly welcome any baby that came our way and would see that as Gods blessing. But I did say to God yesterday that if there isn't a healthy baby in the wings for me, then perhaps it is for the best that I don't fall pregnant.

God took away one of my ovaries at the same time I had my daughter. It's almost as though the writing is on the wall that he decided my child-bearing days were over then and there. That is why it has been hard letting go of the baby that didn't make it in Dec '06 as my fear has been that that was my last pregnancy.

But I will keep on keeping on until it is deemed time to stop trying. I'll know when that is. God will make it pretty clear - I know that much!

Aligning My Will with God's Will

I've been making a conscious effort these last few days to talk to God a bit more. I have been asking that if it isn't in His plan that I have another child, that he take away my desire to have one. That's all part of surrendering. I know years ago when I surrendered some big stuff in my life it took a long time for My Will to be aligned with God's Will. I trusted He had better plans than I did but I still had a lot of grieving to do until I'd let go of my wants at that time.

Turns out God did have a much better plan that I did back then. I am having to trust that once again God has something wonderful in store for me around all this. It doesn't mean I'll necessarily fall pregnant either. There will be a silver lining in the cloud - an unexpected gift. I have a few months to go at least until I'll find out what the unexpected gift is.

I was pleasantly surprised to get a letter in the mail for my ultrasound appointment for my cyst yesterday. I am a little skeptical around hospital appointments. So I was impressed my gyno kept his word and that an appointment was made at the hospital within the time-frame stipulated. My pelvic ultrasound is Monday 14 April, so not too far away. I got the appointment letter in the mail shortly after I'd been chatting to God about accepting His Will - whatever it is. There is certainly some power in Letting Go and Letting God.

I took my daughter to a Kindy playgroup yesterday which is held once-a-term for all the children on the waiting list. The earliest she'll get in is June this year. One of the Kindy teachers asked if I had any other children. When I said no she said "You won't know yourself" (with all that extra time once my daughter's in Kindy). I said I'd find things to do! It's only two hours a time, three afternoons a week. To be honest I'm looking forward to the Kindy stage. My daughter's ready and I think we've both grown past the Playgroup we've been going to since she was six months old. Obviously I'll still have connections with other parents at Kindy but it'll be a different dynamic than Playgroup. Playgroup is like a small community for Mums and their offspring in the area so you naturally get to know all the Mums attending. Over time there have been more and more second children and bumps added to the mix. I am looking forward to not being amongst that twice a week as it is so very much in my face right now.

I've had to make amends to friend no. 1 (again!) for lashing out a bit. As she's one of my closest friends and pregnant with her second child I get so very jealous and have had to admit that. It feels good though to have established that with her the IF stuff is a no-go area. It is just easier at this time for both of us.

I am not a complete Mum-of-two (MOT) hater though! My friend/neighbour who has two children (her youngest is seven months old) said the other day "What would I do without you?" which was lovely as I frequently look after her older daughter at Playgroup alongside mine while she attends to her baby. Her eldest had a wee accident on Tuesday and I changed her so that's where the comment came from. I adore her girls. Her youngest recognises me and I get lots of smiles. Though contact with her always pulls at my heart-strings; it is also somewhat healing to have a baby around that I am bonded with at this time. It means I get to have baby hugs and it helps in a strange kind of a way.

3rd counseling session

My third counseling session went well last night. I do feel like I'm in a different place emotionally to where I was when I had my first counseling session around six weeks ago so that's progress! I seem to shed a few tears most sessions. I guess the conclusion I've come up with is even though I'm surrendering my baby dreams right now, the desire to have another child is still there. It is so very strong. While I'm still in the TTC game, that desire probably won't go away. So I've clicked that IF for me is about living with this desire to have a child that I may or may not get to conceive every day. That means, no matter what head space I'm in - I could get triggered at any time.

A good day for me means my grief isn't consuming me. I can feel joy in my life and be present - very much living in the Now. But even on a day like this my heart will ache when I see babies or bumps.

On a bad day with IF my grief is really up there. I cannot see the wood for the trees and am unable to participate in my life as fully as I'd like to. These are the days I am challenged with Mum-of-two (MOT) and bump sightings.

I think that's why I've gotten frustrated when people have tried to decipher where I'm at with IF. Even on a good day I am hurting around this issue and often feel like I am walking around with an invisible heart-ache that not many can see. I cannot expect people to understand what IF is like that haven't experienced it. I guess I thought my blog might help with that. Perhaps it has a little but really it is only those in the same boat who identify strongly. But I am starting to think that's okay. Friends and family can still be a support even if they don't understand the IF process simply by being there. And the fact that some of my friends and family have tried to understand where I'm at means a lot.

2nd letter from gyno

26th March 2008

Dear Lynda,

I have just seen the result of your recent day-21 progesterone, which is still low with a level of 3. We would normally double the dose of Clomiphene, but I am aware of the scan last December which showed a 5cm ovarian cyst, and I have therefore asked for a follow-up scan to be done at Nelson Hospital within the next 2 -3 weeks, just to see that this cyst has resolved before we increase the Clomiphene dose. I will be in touch with you again once I have the scan result.

Kind regards,
Yours sincerely

Dr xxxx xxxx

First letter from gyno

Letting Go Of A Dream

Although I've had some good days recently around surrendering my baby dreams, I've also had some days in which I've been a bit agitated. I am in the midst of yet another process - this one involves letting go of a strong desire to have another baby on a deep level. It is happening naturally - it is not forced. I am not sulking! I have got here naturally and just feel that perhaps it isn't Gods will that I have another child. I really want one, am still angry on some level that that might not be the case, but at the same time accept it perhaps isn't meant to be. I will still keep on with TTC, but am moving away from making it my key focus.

It is a freeing space to be in yet it is a time in which I'm finding it particularly difficult to be around Mums-of-twos (MOTs) and Mums-of-twos (MOTs)-to-be. I've no doubt offended friend no. 1 who is pregnant with her second child. She's right in that she feels she often doesn't get it right in what to say to me around the IF deal. The truth be known is I cannot connect deeply with another pregnant woman around my IF stuff. The only time that has worked was with a friend who had IF problems with her first child. The second one came easily but she went through hell to have her first child. That's the whole point - she's been there.

I don't mean to be a bitch and probably have been very unfair and unreasonable with friend no. 1. I think we are no doubt both hurting a little as we have been very close for so long. We still are but have agreed pretty much that we cannot connect around my IF stuff.

I have some friends that have been able to identify with me that haven't experienced IF. These are the friends who understand that going through IF is a process, a form of grief, and that it is ongoing. These friends seem able to draw on a personal life crisis either recent or in the past to identify with the continual grieving process that is IF. Oh, and they also aren't MOTs or MOTs-to-be!

I'm not sure a pregnant woman and a woman struggling with IF are able to bond over the IF deal. That is like expecting a person who has been recently dumped to enjoy outings with a friend and her new beau. In that situation it would be easier for the dumpee to see her friend on her own. Sometimes in life you just do have to take the space whether it's emotional or physical from those that have what you desire while processing some rocky emotions.

I've had several friends with primary IF detach from me emotionally around the birth of my daughter. They came back into the picture later down the track - I understood it was too painful for them to be around and even in contact with me for a while. It is a case of accepting that some aspects of our lives are only going to be understood by just a few and that we cannot always connect with even our nearest and dearest, despite how much we love them.

Coping with infertility in the long-term

Women are amazing when faced with difficulties in life. We try our best to keep our chins up high, yet process all we need to while searching for some kind of sense amidst a crisis. I have certainly found this to be true of all the women I have met in the infertility communities on Dailystrength. It is interesting to note that many women after a decent period of time of battling with IF, start developing their own personal philosophies in order to cope. I definitely think that is a very individual process even though many of us may see some aspects of IF in the same way.

I've personally swung between the first three philosophies below while in the IF game. I haven't yet got to number four but have thought about it. But right now I sit on number two. There are cross-overs between each outlook and all four involve living in the present and accepting circumstances as they exist today.

1. The Power of Positive Thinking: The word infertility is banished. Instead fertility issues are referred to and women are seen as being "fertility-challenged". The belief and hope is high that a baby is on the way - just in Gods time.
2. Accepting Gods Will: After hoping for so long that God will come to the party, it seems easier to accept that perhaps it just isn't going to happen. It's a process of surrendering a dream which is painful to do but at the same time, brings relief.
3. Whatever Life Brings: This philosophy is somewhere between the above two. It's about letting go of the desired outcome and carrying on with life. A baby still might be on the cards, but it no longer becomes the key focus or hope.
4. Moving On: It seems easier to bail out than to hang-in there. Or perhaps the end of the IF line has been reached biologically.

I'm sure there are other personal outlooks out there that other women have developed. If so, I would love to hear about them!